To wish ex would disappear so I could stop being so stressed and on edge.

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My ex left me when I found out I was pregnant.

He will sometimes see 8 m/o DD regularly week for a few weeks, then disappear for weeks, then text demanding to see her a certain time and day.
If I ever say I'm busy, he will demand to know what I am doing, and tell me it's not important and to rearrange it as he will be coming over at X time. The only reason he has accepted was the doctors, and then he came to the doctors surgery without arranging it first, like he was trying to check up on me.

During contact I have shown him me playing with her to give ideas, told him what toys are her favourites, gone out of the room for a bit, but he still doesn't interact with her.
He never asks any questions about her, or how she is. He is rough with her, has shaken her, clicked her arm by pulling her up by it for crawling away, barely looks at her, doesn't talk to her, and holds her tightly in one place during visits even if she cries trying to get down.

He refused to hand her back when she wouldn't stop crying last visit, holding her infront of him staring her in the face without moving for 15 minutes while she screamed, choked and gasped for breath where she was so distressed, telling me she "needs to realise I'm boss then she'll back down." before finally giving her back when I said I would phone the health visitor to ask her opinion if he didn't hand her over.

I then hadn't heard from him for 2 and a half weeks, and he just texted saying "I want DD on wednesday. I will pick her up at 10am and you can collect her at 3pm." I replied saying "Wednesday is fine, but I don't think DD is ready to have visits alone yet as she still doesn't see you that often, and hasn't been alone with anyone else yet either. Where do you want to meet?" He replied saying "I have told you, I will be picking her up at 10am. You can't control what I do with her."

He has threatened court before to get me to agree to contact days, which I am terrified of as I have no evidence of him being like this, so it would just be my word against his and he can come across as perfectly nice, has a good job, looks like typical man etc.

What should I reply to him? I can't stand the thought of him having her alone crying and scared, she gets so distressed each visit.

I'm jumping every time my phone goes off thinking it's him, and I'm avoiding meeting up with friends too so I don't have to cancel last minute on them. It feels like I have no control over my own life anymore, and like I'm powerless to protect my DD as I could be made to leave her with him if I don't go along with him to avoid court. But now I can't even go along with what he wants to protect her. Sorry for the huge essay .

Op I agree with above, cancel and be out, ignore anything he sends you but keep a record of it all.

Be strong.

Contact social services and raise your concerns about his scary and abusive behaviour. Explain that you are scared for her safety and you need advice and support to protect your baby from him. If they agree to support you they could be useful allies in court.

Totally agree with Eriknorseman. Speak to social services, they are incredibly helpful. I'd also make an appointment with a solicitor for advice. This man sounds incredibly intimidating and a risk to your child. You may want to consider an injunction to keep him away. But as per excellent suggestions above - document everything - report everything - to as many professionals as possible. Women's aid are wonderfully supportive, please get some help from them. Be strong.

Reach out now OP and get support from as many people as you can, HV, social services, friends and family etc. Are you happy with your GP? Perhaps your HV can recommend someone locally? You don't sound comfortable with your current one and it's important that you are, not just for this issue but for all round reasons.

I would also recommend you call women's aid. If you find it hard you could just read out your original post on this thread. Ask for their advice and for local solicitors. If you go see one even for just the initial consultation you can then be sure of where you stand.

There is also a website where you can search for local contact centres. At least then you know what is available locally.

Oh and I'd go out for the day when he's said he will take her on his own. Just be out and busy.

When you have said about him wanting to know your plans - you don't have to tell him you know! Especially considering he has already turned up at an appointment you told him you had without being invited! Engage as little as possible, i'd not reply further to him for now. You've told him no regarding Wednesday. Leave him to it and concentrate and getting things in place for you and your DD. I know it's scary but getting helped involved now will pay dividends in the long run.