To get married when I fear we may split up soon?

[substitutemycokeforgin]

Been together 11 years, 2 DDs.

We've both never been interested in marriage, and thought we would be together forever. But the last few years have been blighted with worse and more frequent arguments, basically over the way he speaks to me, rudely and with very little respect. We had some counselling last summer, since then things seem to have been improving a bit (though not, I have to say, thanks to the counselling). But the rows are increasing again, and we can't afford any more sessions. I am sick of living with the prospect of these frequent arguments on the horizon for the next 15 years until the kids leave home. I just can't see an end to it.

But I'm in a bad position financially - I don't work, have been a SAHM for the last 6 years, no pension, no savings, no nothing, and younger DD is only 1 so it'll be a couple of years before I can do a decent number of hours' work outside the house myself. (I do some crafting from home to sell but it only brings in pin money).

I know I'm going to get flamed and that I am considering using marriage for my financial advantage, but I'm just thinking about the security of my kids. And isn't that a big reason why people marry anyway - for security?! I am not a money-grabber - DP only earns £28k. And I totally admit that marriage is something we should have done years ago, for the legal protection, and that I've been foolish in not getting it all sorted out long before now . We do still have times when we get along ok, but I am getting pretty certain that things are never going to change definitively for the better, and that I probably need to get out sooner rather than later, in order to retain an ounce or two of self-respect. It just seems simpler to do this than undertake all the legal wrangling which would result after a split, if we were not married. And I wouldn't be duping DP either, I would make it very clear I was doing it for the security. So, I know the idea probably seems bizarre but I'm hoping some might see the sense in it?

I don't see how marriage is going to change anything. I am in similar position to you. You are best thinking about your own future, with or without him.

Do you think your DP would want to marry you, if he knew you were doing it for financial security when you left him?

YANBU for the reasons you've given (and it's a shame it should be that way), but would he agree to it? I also think it would make him embittered and resentful, perhaps leading to further financial insecurity for you.

kinky I think he may find the idea preferable to the legal hell we would find ourselves in afterwards. I think it could avoid a lot of future nastiness in this respect.

I think getting married for these reasons may actually complicate things for you in the long run. If you split up eventually then you would have a long and drawn out divorce which would be very expensive and if you met someone else after the split you wouldn't be able to marry him until you've divorced. As the childrens' father he would be expected to help support them financially anyway. Perhaps you should try for a trial separation saying that if you do decide to give it another go then you expect a full commitment of marriage??

YANBU to want to get things on a more sound legal/financial footing but there are other ways to do it besides getting married if you think the relationship may be on its way out anyway. Maybe you'd be better off making an appointment to see a solicitor about property ownership, inheritance and so forth rather than ordering bouquets and confetti? Costs a lot less...

rightsofwomen.org will tell you how to protect your interests with or without marriage

What kind of a wedding are you planning? It sounds like a complete waste of money, time and effort, not to mention heartache.

If you are unhappy in your relationship, getting married is not going to help.

Lovely it would entitle me to part of his pension, which I would have to jump through hoops for otherwise.

I would in your position.

Just because you would have been married and divorced, does not mean you will get financial stability. I'm sure there are many divorced parents here who could attest to that.

I want to say YABVU because it's not the way to enter my idea of marriage.

However, and without knowing the legal side of things for you UNmarried, if marriage is the only way to make things easier and fairer in a split then no, I don't think YAB completely U, I just think it's a very very sad situation and I don't envy you at all.

I would seek advice on what you could do and how you could do it if you split NOW... keep that information safe, look into the marriage, and compare to see if it really WOULD be easier if you were married... I may well not be, plus you'll have had all the stress of a wedding you don't want to a man you don't wish to be married to, I'm not sure I could go through that even if he was rich and I'd get half!

I hope you get your situation resolved soon. It must be agonising to even consider this prospect. I wish you all the luck in the world. Even if YABU.

tilly a 5-minute one with 2 witnesses pulled off the street.

Gosh, I honestly wasn't expecting agreement from anyone here.

Security aside, you know yabu. It's no basis for marriage and if the boot was on the other foot I think you would be very hurt by that attitude. Yes you have got to think about your long term security. I am out the other side of a decade of being a sahm, been with my.partner 20 years. What you have talked about is a consideration for me also. But you cannot marry just for his pension.

juliascurr the rightsofwomen website is a russian mail order bride sit.

kinky I know nothing is guaranteed; just that I would be in a better position than if not married.

Thanks aldi

Even with regards to pension, it should be only shared for the amount of time you were married.
Marriage doesn't give you immediate financial benefits.
If anything you should really have married years ago.

If you are considering splitting, I wouldn't marry, no.
Divorce would be more expensive and more difficult than if you split and are not married.
And he still has to contribute towards the children.

It should be rightsofwomen.org.uk for the UK women?s voluntary organisation.

Forget the mail order brides

Also our relationship went a.bit pear shaped after our third. You may be able to work it out with him. Things do get easier as kids get older. I am guessing you feel underappreciated.

Actually I don't, Lovely, he tells me I'm a good mother and appreciates that I work hard in the house etc etc ... I just can't stand his overreaction to small problems - the irritability, annoyance, brusqueness that comes through when he's talking to me. He's quick to anger and sees unpleasant conflict as a normal part of a relationship ... his parents' relationship just gave him low expectations, they were always yelling at each other, and he won't go to counselling to sort out his issues.

Thank you, fubbsy, I'll have a good read of that later.

Hope you can sort it out with him. Wishing you all the best.

OP you write kinky I think he may find the idea preferable to the legal hell we would find ourselves in afterwards. I think it could avoid a lot of future nastiness in this respect

Do you have any joint assets?

Do you realise how much a contested divorce can cost and how much of any "pot" it can use up?

Unless you live in Scotland or jointly own the property you live in or many of your joint assets, I cannot see how you could legally make his life that difficult. Even if you do live in Scotland (where there is some protection for financially disadvantaged unmarried partners), there have only been two cases where a financial award was made, and they were very small. Certainly not enough to give you financial security. They were also made on the basis of one partner being persuaded to sell their own property to fund improvements to the other partner's property. Not simply because they chose to be a SAHM.

I'm sure a lot of women (and some men) do marry for these reasons. Personally I don't really respect them. I also don't think it will provide you with the financial security you are looking for, and I suggest you learn to stand on your own two feet which will provide for you better in the future.

The OP is doing a Heather Millis here... and also doesn't have to marry to get the financial and legal protection. But contracts are particularly important if there is a property or other assets at stake. If they are currently in the partner's sole name as an unmarried woman she would be homeless if they split. If her partner were to die intestate she would not currently get a penny. If her partner were to need an operation, she could not sign the release forms at the moment. Sad but true. The children are protected to a degree because maintenance applies regardless of marital status.

isn't doing a Heather Mills!!!

Yep, I'm in Scotland, Abs, and the house is owned in joint names.

"Suggest you learn to stand on your own two feet" - wtf?! I have been bringing up our children for the last 6 years, saving god knows how much in childcare fees, and contributing to the household economy that way, and I'm just not going to just suddenly step out into a full-time, 30K a year job, or whatever, until DD2 is well up in years. Childcare costs?!

Not doing a Heather, no, Cogito, though I wouldn't exactly say no to a little £60m pocket money "bung".