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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my friend my DD has been invited to the party or will I look like im rubbing her face in it...

54 replies

cubedmelon · 04/03/2013 10:42

My DD (4yo) goes to infant school with a close friends DD. I had to collect DD early from school on Friday but received a text from my friend later that day saying that one of the boys in their class was handing out party invitations but only to the other boys and her DD couldnt understand why it was just boys invited and become a bit upset but my friend had reassured her it was only the boys.

Took DD into school this morning and the teacher had an invitation from the birthday boy for my DD, as she wasn't there on Friday afternoon the class teacher had kept it for her.

DD wants to go and id like her to attend but am concerned about my friends reaction. Am I being unreasonable to just be upfront and say DD has an invite, it will come out anyway im sure or does that look like im rubbing it in? How would you handle it?

My friend is lovely and id hate to upset her but her DD struggles to make friends and shes quite sensitive about DD being invited to things.

OP posts:
wineandroses · 05/03/2013 13:29

Op you did the right thing, because she had already mentioned it, so if you'd not told her about your DD's invite, she would think you were being underhanded. Your friend's attitude is quite unreasonable actually, and she really needs to get a tougher skin or her child's school years will be a nightmare for her!

If I were you, I wouldn't discuss it further with her. If she raises it again, either ignore or say something like 'I am sorry your DD wasn't invited, but there's really nothing I can do about that, so can we just move on please?'. She won't like it, but that's tough really isn't it?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/03/2013 13:39

That would be a nice approach had OP not said her DD is keen to go. If OP told her 'lovely' friend about it in an apologetic, my-world-is-crumbling way, her friend might have expected her to add, "But of course we've turned the invitation so she's not going".

atthewelles · 05/03/2013 13:44

Nickel I don't agree. I think the OP handled it as best she could. Why on earth should she have to give a big grovelling apologetic explanation as to why her daughter was invited to a party? If she keeps pandering to this childish friend she will end up constantly walking on egg shells around her.

HeathRobinson · 05/03/2013 13:47

I think you handled it really well, cubedmelon.

diddl · 05/03/2013 13:48

Wow-overreaction much??

FWIW, I think that you did the right thing.

I think it was always going to be a case of "damned if you do, damned if you don't".

My two-both teens now, have always had same sex parties iyswim.

What's wrong with that??

Not that we've made them btw, 'tis just how it happened!

I wonder if she's more upset about OP's daughter being invited than hers not?

Floggingmolly · 05/03/2013 13:51

Dear God, she sounds quite unhinged Hmm

diddl · 05/03/2013 13:52

OP- I think you handled it fine.

She really is overthinking it.

What if it wasn't really meant for your child, what if segets tired?

WTAF??

Does her child regularly get excluded from stuff-because that's the only reason I can think of that it's such a big deal to her?

GreatUncleEddie · 05/03/2013 13:54

It's not really your problem. You did your best to be tactful. Your friend is being obsessive. Don't give it another thought.

DewDr0p · 05/03/2013 14:05

Wow she is very childish.

I agree don't give it another thought.

FakePlasticLobsters · 05/03/2013 14:23

She's behaving badly towards you now.

I know it hurts if your child is left out and if she's having a hard time at home then perhaps that's added to the sting.

But it's not your fault or your daughters fault that her daughter has not been invited to this party and she shouldn't be taking her disappointment out on you.

You did the right thing by being honest with her, and her reaction doesn't change that. You were honest and tactful with her. I can understand her maybe being a little quiet if she's wondering how to explain to her DD that your DD/girls are actually going to the party, and is worried that her DD might feel hurt, but she has also been ungracious to you about your DD's invite and that is not right.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 05/03/2013 14:35

Gosh. This is a nursery party invite, not a popularity contest or a reflection on your friend's values/parenting, etc.

We all have limited money/time to spend on such occasions and guest list is often arbitrarily culled. For example, my DCs would have their entire class plus some playground mates. I can accommodate about 7 kids for a birthday party.

You handled it well.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 05/03/2013 15:02

As a parent of a child who does not get invited to parties I can see why your friend was upset and reacted the way she did.

It isn't your fault though and it isn't about you. She is being unreasonable.

WilsonFrickett · 05/03/2013 15:11

You do sound lovely. It sounds like this is a real hot spot for your friend. I know it's mine too but I'm (hopefully) a touch more self-aware than your friend is! She is going to have to work out a strategy for dealing with this kind of thing though because it will happen all through school and some parents just don't think.

For example, recently DS wasn't invited to a party, I don't think he was the only one but he wasn't far off it. I was upset because I always assume it's because of his SN. The next day (DS and I had both cried about it - separately of course!) the mother sat down next to me at a school thing and told me how exhausted she was organising everything for the party. Then she turned to the mother next to me (who's DS had been invited) and asked about travel plans. Shock but all you can do is smile and nod.

I hope your friend works that out sometime soon Thanks you did your best.

fromparistoberlin · 05/03/2013 15:22

Oh dear, fucking minefield

Its NOT about you, she is projecting her adult feelings about life and rejection onto her DD

maybe...do nothing? I mean it, treat it like a non issue and gently say "Its not wrth getting stressed. we have years of this to go, and trust me one da the shoe will be on the other foot"

fromparistoberlin · 05/03/2013 15:23

also they are 4! IMO kids this age dont discuss parties, who attend, who does not

they go, eat, and forget

If you are her mate rather than be annoyed try and gently coach her out of it

butterfingerz · 05/03/2013 15:35

Wow, my dd is 4, in reception... she's been invited (some we didn't attend due to being busy) and not invited. I really don't care one way or the other, if anything, I don't like going to kids parties anyway. Is this something I should care more about?

ENormaSnob · 05/03/2013 15:40

Your friend is a prat.

atthewelles · 05/03/2013 16:06

She'll get a name for herself if she's not careful and will make her daughter unwelcome at parties as most parents will not want to get embroiled with her precious, hyper sensitive, 'everyone walk on eggshells around me' mother.

starfishmummy · 05/03/2013 16:30

Good grief. Your friend sounds like she is still at infant school.
There are years of school ahead of her dd - so that's potentially hundreds of parties/playdates/sleepovers etc that her dd might not be invited to. She (the mother) needs to get a grip!!

StuntGirl · 05/03/2013 16:39

Initially I thought you were making a mountain out of a molehill so I didn't comment. I apologise. Your friend is the one making mountains out of molehills (and sounding a bit loony with it). Christ, is she this sensitive about everything?

I'd be tempted to leave it for now but if she carries on sniping I'd have to ask "Is everything ok at the moment? You seem a bit upset lately, is there anything I can help with?" If it's issues with her home life she might open up, if it's just that she's a miserable cow you might be best letting this friendship slide. You don't need friends who make you feel bad and second guess every little thing you say to them.

Groovee · 05/03/2013 16:47

Your friend needs to get over herself.

Yfronts · 05/03/2013 18:57

What you said was very reasonable. The party was for boys and tom boys. It's just life that her DD wasn't invited. Not everyone can be invited to everything. Just don't respond to her issues or say 'I'm sure your DD will be invited to parties my DD won't be invited to'

CloudsAndTrees · 05/03/2013 19:03

Thanks for updating!

Your friend is being weird. I know what it's like to have a child that doesn't get invited to lots of parties, but you deal with it and move on. This woman sounds like she's thought about nothing else for days!

Even if it was only the boys that are invited, why would that be wrong? Or if the boy just invited his friends, how is that wrong? Does she think parents of four year olds are obliged to throw parties for the benefit of everyone else's children but not their own?

What did she do for her daughters last party?

trixymalixy · 05/03/2013 19:10

Nightmare. I think whatever you did your friend would have reacted badly. You handled it the best way and your friend sounds like very hard work.

Original poster
cubedmelon · 05/03/2013 19:11

Thank you for your replies, its nice to have support.

nickle I don't think I've worded my post as well as I could. I meant I said it in a casual, unimportant way to hopefully make her realise it didnt matter. I didn't say it breezily, like her feelings don't matter.

She's a great friend (usually) and id hate to fall out, I just know this is a sensitive subject with her. It matters to her a lot that her DD is liked and is popular. She does recognise this as a fault (when she is being sensible) and will quite often admit that she needs to care less about her daughter being popular. I think thats why I suspected she would react in this way.

There havent been any other class parties yet, as far as I know, so we havent been through this experience yet. There will be lots of parties coming up soon and she'll start to see other DC not being invited etc and im sure she'll settle down. I think it's because it's the first party.

Ive decided not to mention it again now to her. Let the land lie. Her DH can be a pain but he's very down to earth, maybe if they happen to talk about it tonight he may make her realise shes taking it to heart too much.

Thanks for all your replies though Smile

OP posts: