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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Random stranger in the park, can I borrow your car and drive it round the block?

78 replies

SoThisisMe · 03/03/2013 13:18

Does this sound like an odd request? Yes?

Then why get snippy when my DS wants his scooter back? He is two, not three. Asking him in a cross "why aren't you sharing" tone how old he is (are you three?!) will not make him share, nor will it make him less upset that your child is on his scooter.

Should I have made him share? DS spends all week sharing toys at his CM's house, at playgroups, then at home with his sister. WHY should he have to share his scooter, that we took to the park for him to play with, with a random child that he has never met? Why do adults expect children to share every possession they have when most of would not dream of sharing our own stuff?

I never let my DC pick up other DCs bikes, balls ect at the park, unless it is clear they are willing to play. And I didn't mind the little boy having a go, but why was his Mum so unwilling to give it back when DS asked for it?

I was Angry for DS.

OP posts:
Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 03/03/2013 15:28

Yanbu. As someone already said, if a child came back without something the parents would go nuts. Sharing with friends is one thing complete strangers down the park is nothing, and who picks up the tab when things get lost broken dirty and ruined! I have never ever gone down the park and expected to have free reign over all the bikes and scooters!!!!

I've seen the price if these micro scooters they aren't cheap! You wouldn't hand over a phone that cost £50 let alone a scooter that costs closer to £100

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/03/2013 15:31

Thezebra

Yes, it is teaching them that their needs are secondary to other people's.

It is a tricky balance, teaching kindness, generosity, putting yourself in the shoes of others, but IMO, if you teach them their feelings don't matter, at the age when they are basically egocentric, then you don't have much hope of each them learning to care about others, OR you teach them to be pushovers.

Had an interesting converstaion about tis with my mum recently. She said she was so concerned about teaching us not to upset other people, be polite etc, that she didn't teach us to be assertive.

Original poster
SoThisisMe · 03/03/2013 15:36

I think her son got on it when DS left it for a moment to go on the slide. But I'm not sure as I was waving to DD on the other side of the playground, who was showing me how high she can go on the swings now she is 5 Grin

But surely it was up to his Mum to tell him to put it down, not me? The child was smaller than my son, so possibly not even 2 (hence why she was pulling him along, the scooter was too big for him). He was a tiny thing, not being mean, just being a toddler and wanting something he saw. At the same age, I'd have told DS "No, it is not yours and it is too big for you" and dealt with the screams that followed as best I could.

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/03/2013 15:42

OP

Yes.mshe proabably could not be bothered to deal with the fuss if she told him not to go on it.

greenfolder · 03/03/2013 15:47

bikes and scooters are not to be shared with strangers.

start this young, less chance of your 7 or 8 year old coming home without a bike saying that they let another boy have a go and they have stolen it. In my humble experience.

TheMaskedHorror · 03/03/2013 15:49

Yanbu.

I wouldn't expect my children to share their stuff with strangers and I would never let them ask strangers to share their stuff with my children.

foreverondiet · 03/03/2013 16:00

YANBU, would not allow random strangers to use scooter, bike pram or otherwise in park. I have a bike and no way would I let a stranger borrow it. Probably due to living it London but I would be worried it would be stolen.

If it was a friend from nursery then maybe yes but only if my child agreed.

thezebrawearspurple · 03/03/2013 16:01

Jamie, I agree with you, we were raised to always please others and it just made me very selfish and as I got older I became very aggressive because I had no idea how to assert myself.

SoThisisMe; exactly, it was up to his mother. She's teaching her kid he's entitled to take other peoples stuff, the cheek to not even ask! I would have asked her what she thought she was doing!!!

Enfyshedd · 03/03/2013 16:06

YANBU.

DSS2 (6) has been told that he is not allowed to share his scooter with the other children in our street as at least one of them is a bit of a bully and has broken at least 3 of DSS2's belongings in the past 9-10 months since they became friends. The list of broken items includes one freebie water pistol by throwing it at the pavement (ok, it was free, but it's the principle of the thing), and one scooter by doing stunts on it and breaking the axle on it (cheap-ish scooter, but was DSS2's birthday present and he'd only had it a few months). He is only allowed to take outside pretty indestructable toys which has caused a few upsets like when he wanted to take out his £18 Doctor Who encyclopedia which he had for Christmas (no bloody way considering the saga we had to get it in the first place!).

DontmindifIdo · 03/03/2013 16:12

YANBU - my DS has been known to scream in another child's face "it's not a nursery toy, it's mine!!!" (having drummed into him at nursery it's not 'his' it's a shared toy). I would have asked for it back firmly, probably with my hand on it ready to just snatch and my voice raised so everyone in the park could hear, and given the other mother my death look if she'd not said "oh sorry" straight away... But then I'm a pregnant hormonal cow who's spoiling for a fight at the moment, so mine is probably not the best advice to take...

HarrietSchulenberg · 03/03/2013 16:20

I've always brought dses up to allow other children to use their things if they're not playing with them In the park that is. Until last year when ds1 (11) kindly let a younger boy have a go on his newish bike. Boy took it away for over an hour, went into town on it and brought it back with bits of it smashed and scraped. So I've changed the rules and know NO-ONE is allowed to use their stuff wothout adking me first. And then I will slwsys say "no" unless I know child well.

HarrietSchulenberg · 03/03/2013 16:21

Sorry, fat fingers can't hit the right keys on phone it appears!

Floggingmolly · 03/03/2013 16:22

If the child was 10, and playing on his new DS, would you expect him to hand it over to the first random child who wanted a go? No, I wouldn't either.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/03/2013 16:25

Harriet

Reminds me of when Ds1 s remote control car got smashed by a younger child. Other parent just looked on.

NeverWinsMNComps · 03/03/2013 16:27

I think where you live might make a difference in how you respond to the situation. As several posters have said, in London you may be worried that the other person would bugger off with the item and you'd never see them again.

I live in a tiny village, where any kids we encounter as babies and toddlers will almost certainly end up in the same school as our DC's, if not in the same class. So for us, the rule is that if you're not willing to share it then you leave it at home. Everybody takes turns and it all works out pretty ok so far.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 03/03/2013 16:30

The other child should definitely have been told 'No, it's not yours, it's that little boys' then been distracted. Just because you take something to a public place it does not make it 'fair game' to be used by anyone - no matter how old you are!

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/03/2013 16:32

Nah, it isn't really that. I live in London. parks here are very very busy, and everyone prides themself on being Community minded. Even in LOdon, we live in small towns or viallges where parents know each other. But there are different approaches to parenting, respect for property etc withing every community.

DreamsToGo · 03/03/2013 16:34

In my experience there is a totally unspoken rule about this:

No child should expect a toy to be shared with them, but if a small child asks to play with a toy and the parent refuses then that patent is a bit of an arse.

It's a natural too-ing and fro-ing in the playground, accompanied by a great deal of smiling and embarrassed/expectant looks. As long as everyone gets the tone right then sharing is the thing to do

ChasedByBees · 03/03/2013 16:59

I'm cross for you OP. I'm quite happy to be an arse by your definition Dreamstogo. DD is only 13 months thoug so we're not at this stage yet.

determinedma · 03/03/2013 17:13

Really surprised at this thread. Do random strangers really use your kids personal stuff in parks? In 22 years of parenting I have never experienced that! I would be pissed off with my Dcs if they asked to use another child's stuff - how rude - if the other child hadn't made the offer first and I would be bloody furious with any random parents expecting their child to share my dcs stuff.

DesiderataHollow · 03/03/2013 17:15

YANBU.

I'm trying to enforce the "if it's not yours, you don't touch it" rule with DS2 (4), how on earth am I supposed to do this if other parents just let their children help themselves to other people's unattended stuff?

A mutually decided share between friends is one thing but this is just not on.

NynaevesSister · 03/03/2013 18:01

YANBU

It comes down to manners. Whether it is a toddler, child or adult you don't just help yourself to someone else's stuff.

You ask first.

To not ask is rude and the mother was being bad mannered in this situation.

This isn't about sharing it is about showing respect for others and the other mother failed, big time.

CruCru · 03/03/2013 18:18

This is why I hate "sharing". There's a concept that all children can grab what they want and saying "it's okay, they can share" makes it okay. I find it a lazy way of disciplining children.

Favourite or new toys should not be shared.

When DS grabs things, I say "DS, did you SNATCH that?" and make him give it back. It kind of pre empts future discussions about sharing.

SendMum · 03/03/2013 18:38

I too find it strange how parents expect kids to share all their treasured possessions when we adults don't expect that of each other. My friend was surprised when she bought her toddler over to play with my DS age 2 and she spotted his most beloved toy, his talking Buzz hidden (badly I admit) on the top shelf in the kitchen. Her daughter pointed at it and wanted to play with it, my son's face froze in panic and I had to explain that I was really sorry but that is DS's special toy and we put it up there before they arrived because he doesn't have to share
it. My friend was clearly annoyed and said "he won't learn to share if you don't make him", to which I replied that her daughter is welcome to play with any other toy in the house, just not that one. And next time we come to her house remind me to go into her bedroom and start rummaging through her stuff, trying on her best
clothes and testing out her lipstick. See how she likes it.

NynaevesSister · 04/03/2013 13:32

We do the same thing Sendmum. Son is allowed to put aside toys that are very precious to him, and he doesn't have to share those.

I come from a very large family, as did my mother. Of course sharing was par for the course, but we were allowed to have those few toys that were special to us, and that no one else could touch at all.