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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Random stranger in the park, can I borrow your car and drive it round the block?

78 replies

SoThisisMe · 03/03/2013 13:18

Does this sound like an odd request? Yes?

Then why get snippy when my DS wants his scooter back? He is two, not three. Asking him in a cross "why aren't you sharing" tone how old he is (are you three?!) will not make him share, nor will it make him less upset that your child is on his scooter.

Should I have made him share? DS spends all week sharing toys at his CM's house, at playgroups, then at home with his sister. WHY should he have to share his scooter, that we took to the park for him to play with, with a random child that he has never met? Why do adults expect children to share every possession they have when most of would not dream of sharing our own stuff?

I never let my DC pick up other DCs bikes, balls ect at the park, unless it is clear they are willing to play. And I didn't mind the little boy having a go, but why was his Mum so unwilling to give it back when DS asked for it?

I was Angry for DS.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoThisisMe · 03/03/2013 13:54

Chandon I think you have it there. I was wondering why this tiny incident bugged me. I think it was because, at the time, I didn't want to make DS share, I just wanted him to be having fun. He is 2, I don't think he worries too much about a lawless society right now Grin Like I said, he has to share pretty much all the time, a few hours off shouldn't do too much damage.

And I possibly was so focused on us having a good time because I haven't taken the DC to the park for a while and we have all been poorly and I just wanted them to have fun this morning.

OP posts:
MrsMushroom · 03/03/2013 13:54

I watched proudly in the park the other day when my DD aged almost 5 shared her pink scooter with a bunch of little boys around her age.

She really enjoyed being the centre of attention. Each boy took a turn, then brought it back...she then doled it to the next in the queue.

she let about 3 lads have a go...then it was hers again. The boys never took the mickey and scooted off...they each stuck to the "rules" which were "Go to the tree and back once then it's this boys go."

Wallace · 03/03/2013 13:56

I was going to ask the same thing recently about making kids share. Ds3 rode his new bike to toddler group and we brought it inside and put it in the corridor to keep it safe.

At the end when all the toys were tidied away another mum asked if she could see ds ride around the hall (she hadn't seen him ride it and was interested)

Ds rode around for a bit, then when he stopped another little boy wanted a turn, and ds really didn't want to get off. Should I have made him get off which would have resulted in a very upset toddler?

DieWilde13 · 03/03/2013 13:57

YANBU. Sharing like this just means that if somebody else comes along and fancies your possession you have to give it to them. Ahem, I don't think so.

I have always told other children "sorry, but this is my dc's toy and he/she wants to play with it now." If they want to let others have a turn once they have finished playing with their own toy, then that's up to them. I do support taking turns, but not with random strangers.

Original poster
SoThisisMe · 03/03/2013 13:59

That was a lot of ands Blush

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/03/2013 13:59

YANBU

The request to "share" is often made by parents who want to head off a tantrum from their child, rather that just saying "that belongs to someone else" and saying No. IMO.

MajaBiene · 03/03/2013 14:01

Wallace - you shouldn't have taken something that your DS didn't want to share into an environment where the expectation is that toys are shared. Same with taking home toys to nursery.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/03/2013 14:03

Also, I think that pressurising your toddler child to share is counter-productive. It may make them feel insecure and oppositional. Praising them for sharing when they do it spontaneously is more effective.

When DCs came round to play, I would let my DCs put away a few toys they did not want to share, and then the others were for sharing. That's with their friends, mind you, not random strangers.

MrsMushroom · 03/03/2013 14:03

Wallace I think when they are very small, you can get away with not making them...my DD is almost 5 so I encourage sharing..same with sweets. She was given 2 lollys at school and broke them out on the way home...a friend was driving home with us with her DD also 5...so I made DD give one to the little girl.

DD was a bit Angry but it was a lesson....if you flash sweets around then you ought to share.

ImperialBlether · 03/03/2013 14:03

Sharing only helps you make friends if you offer to share, not if someone asks whether they can share.

Think of being at work, eating your packed lunch. If you see someone hasn't got much for their lunch or has forgotten to bring any, you might offer them a sandwich. If they look at you eating and ask for a sandwich, then it's a different thing, isn't it?

I encouraged my children to think of others and offer them a ride on their bike etc, but I would never let them ask for a ride. If they were there just to enjoy a good ride on their bike, it's selfish of us to expect them to offer it to someone else.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/03/2013 14:04

Maja

Depends if the bike was in the playroom, or in a corridor, along with other personal belongings (it sounds like the latter)

Hulababy · 03/03/2013 14:05

Children need to be taught that not all things they see are for sharing. Parents can address this very easily. We don't always have to allow our children everything they want.

Also even if the child is happy to share - children, even little ones, can be taught to ask if they can have a go and to return it when asked to.
It takes time and there may be upset initially but it has to happen.

Wallace · 03/03/2013 14:05

Meant to say there were only three of us left at toddlers by that point. Luckily the other mum told her ds he couldn't have a turn because he hasn't learnt to ride a bike yet. I did offer to push the other boy around on it.

I think probably if the other boy had been upset, and the mum had wanted him to have a turn I would have made ds get off. It didn't come to that but it did get me thinking...

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/03/2013 14:05

Exactly Hula

MajaBiene · 03/03/2013 14:07

Jamie I read it as the trike was taken into the main hall rather than left in the corridor. If left in the corridor or taken outside then fine, but I wouldn't have taken it into the playroom and then refused to share.

MousyMouse · 03/03/2013 14:10

yanbu
I don't have a problem with sharing bucket and spade in the sandpit but draw the line at expensive/special items. a scooter or a bike imo is not a toy but a mode of transport. so I think comparing it to a car is not far fetched.

breatheslowly · 03/03/2013 14:14

Sharing is good for making and cementing friendships, but I don't think that a child should be expected to make friends with every passing child, it just isn't necessary. If you go to the park with a friend then you should expect to share, but random children are just random children.

ReluctantBeing · 03/03/2013 14:17

I'm a cow in situations like this and say to kids 'no. Ask your mum to buy you your own one'.

Wallace · 03/03/2013 14:21

Yes it was taken into the main hall because one of the other mums wanted to see my ds ride it.

As I said if the other mum had wanted her ds to have a turn, I would have made ds get off. Sometimes I do wonder though if I put other children's needs in front of my own dcs. If a random stranger asked for a turn in the park I would probably let them.

Original poster
SoThisisMe · 03/03/2013 14:42

Wallace, in that situation I probably would also have made him share, although as you say it would have caused a tantrum. But playgroup is for sharing and taking turns so it would have been appropriate to the situation.

No need for the same to apply to strangers in the park. What does this teach other than anyone can take your stuff if they fancy it? I would make both DC take turns with a friend in the park though, just as I would lend a friend my phone, or a book, or money. Not a stranger.

OP posts:
MajaBiene · 03/03/2013 14:46

If your 10 year old came home from the park without their bike or phone, and said they'd lent it some random kid who'd disappeared off with it you'd be furious with them for being so careless with something expensive. Don't know why it seems like a good idea to force toddler to lend things to strangers.

Wishiwasanheiress · 03/03/2013 14:46

YANBU. My dds won't be sharing their toys unless "will you be my friend" overtures are made. You don't just walk up and use it! Weird. Agree stick up for ur boy x

Original poster
SoThisisMe · 03/03/2013 14:51

Probably wouldn't lend friends my car though...but I'd give them a lift!

OP posts:
ZebraOwl · 03/03/2013 14:57

YANBU!

If you were at the park with your son & a friend or friends, he should be willing to let one of them have a wee turn on the scooter. Some random person bopping up expecting to play with something like that is not on!

How did the woman come by the scooter anyway?

I don't think it's overreaching to compare it to a stranger wandering up & expecting to borrow your car to have a zip round the block.

I am all for sharing where appropriate, but I don't think this is appropriate. I can just about see another parent asking if their child could possibly have a quick turn on a bike/trike/scooter if your child's not wanting to play with it right then because they're thinking of getting one [like it] & want to see if it suits. Otherwise, no. It's like I don't think children should pester people they don't know for snacks/drinks/whatever. Meh.

thezebrawearspurple · 03/03/2013 15:13

No way would I expect dd to unwillingly share with strangers, I wouldn't do that myself so why demand it of a child? Neither do I want to teach her that she is entitled to go up and grab other kids stuff. yanbu, but you shouldn't have let the kid have it in the first place. It's different when they agree swap toys or share because it involves playing with new friends but allowing a strange child (especially a bigger, more dominant one) to grab something that doesn't belong to them just because they 'want' it is teaching them bullying behaviour.

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