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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel that this is a bit of a cheek (wedding related!)

46 replies

Rootatoot · 28/02/2013 16:33

Ok, maybe I'm being tight here but we were invited to a wedding which is taking place abroad and are unable to go for both financial and practical reasons, which is fine and the couple understand as many are in the same position.

The groom is an old friend of mine and has been with his lovely fiancee for a couple of years though we've only met her once or twice.

He is well off (drives v cool sports car, mortgage free in current house, has share portfolio, several holidays a year etc). Good for him, he is very clever and works hard, and has earnt what he has. No problem with it at all.

So chatted last week for first time in a while to see how things were going. All good. Then this morning out of the blue I get an email from them to say if we were going to get them a wedding gift then they would rather not have a gift as they have lots to carry from going abroad and would prefer money. Now the bride is from a culture where this is common - fair enough perhaps but I feel it is a bit crass. They would like money in an envelope with our names on it.

Basically they've said they want a new house and would put money towards it. We don't have much money. We must earn a quarter or less than they do. They didn't buy us a wedding present when we were married less than 5 years ago. Now I don't think you give to receive and I was going to buy them a nice gift but now it's either we don't bother or give them money. I feel embarassed giving them money as I think you have to basically give them £50 up really or it would look crap.

So AIBU to think this is a bit off? Or are they just being practical? I know if they were married here we'd spend more on attending than £50 but I just feel a bit affronted to be honest. We didn't have a wedding list as we had a v small wedding and didn't think it was appropriate if we weren't inviting lots of people.

OP posts:

OutsideOverThere · 28/02/2013 16:36

I understand how you feel and I'd probably just send a nice card with no mention of the money.

Branleuse · 28/02/2013 16:37

just send a card. No big deal x

Gigondas · 28/02/2013 16:38

Yanbu - if you go to a wedding, you usually buy a gift (on a list or I guess give cash if that is cultural norm).

If you aren't going, any gift is discretionary. For example, we got married abroad with no witnesses but someone gave us a lovely photo frame for our wedding photo. Was a spontaneous gesture and we were delighted.

Your friend is being cheeky to ask for stuff if you aren't going.

All the relative wealth stuff is a bit of a side issue

NoisesOff · 28/02/2013 16:38

YANBU. Wedding gifts are not compulsory. In this situation I'd give a really really nice card and leave it at that.

gingeme · 28/02/2013 16:39

Yes agree. A lovely card wishing them well.

piratecat · 28/02/2013 16:40

I'd buy a lovely present and send it their home, why do they have to have every gift abroad with them--how silly.

LaalRatty · 28/02/2013 16:41

Send them a card (with a voucher for a cheek schmush and hug).

piratecat · 28/02/2013 16:41

you can get lovely things from the Range for their new home.

BubblegumPie · 28/02/2013 16:42

They didn't buy us a wedding present when we were married less than 5 years ago

There's your answer. Why should you get them one if they didn't get you one?

CloudsAndTrees · 28/02/2013 16:43

It's more than off, it's incredibly rude and presumptuous, especially as you haven't even said you were going.

simplesusan · 28/02/2013 16:47

Is it a generic email?
Either way as they didn't feel the need to buy you a present and you are not going to the wedding I think it is a bloody cheek.
Don't give them anything other than perhaps a card.

GuffSmuggler · 28/02/2013 16:47

They shouldn't be asking for presents at all if they are getting married abroad because you will either:
a) be going and spending a small fortune on the trip or
b) not going at all, so very rude to ask for a gift!!

Agree with everyone else, just send a card.

CatsCantFlyFast · 28/02/2013 16:51

Yanbu. I would say you can send a card and no cash or send a gift to their house pre wedding (they don't have to take it abroad). If you do the latter you could always white lie in your card and say you bought it before you got their note and hope they will appreciate it in their new home either way.
People travelled to get to our wedding and because of that we didn't expect gifts or cash, anything we got on or off our gift list was a lovely surprise

Pootles2010 · 28/02/2013 16:55

They didn't get you one, so don't get them one. Nice card, wish them well, thats it.

Bejeena · 28/02/2013 16:58

I think this is totally cheeky.

We got married abroad and didn't expect any gifts, didn't mention a gift list or anything in invitation. But some people kept asking about our gift list so in the end we did one and gave it out to people who had asked!

I was also surprised at how generous people were and also was not expecting gifts from people who were not coming to the wedding but a lot of people got us something.

TheCatIsUpTheDuff · 28/02/2013 16:58

Don't buy them a present they don't want. It'll go straight to the charity shop and you'll have wasted your money.

You're not going to the wedding, you're not obliged to give a gift. Well, you wouldn't be anyway, but even more so if you're not going.

If you'd like to give them a gift, give them the amount of money you'd have spent on a gift. If they're nice people they'll be appreciative, not critical. We had presents ranging from "Mr and Mrs" mugs - absolutely not my taste, but special because they came from my goddaughter - to an £80 digital radio/ipod dock thing that we'd only put on the list in the hope that we'd get enough vouchers from different people to save up for it. Doesn't mean we like the radio people any more than the mug people!

ENormaSnob · 28/02/2013 17:00

So they are getting married abroad, you are not going and they have requested a cash gift?

Levantine · 28/02/2013 17:02

Nah, I reckon if they didn't buy you a wedding present then you are off the hook. And it is crass of them

ENormaSnob · 28/02/2013 17:02

And they didn't get you a gift either?

Shockingly rude imo.

whiteflame · 28/02/2013 17:03

I wouldn't feel embarrassed putting a 5 pound note (or whatever you can afford/want to give) in with the card. If they are proper friends it won't bother them.

At our wedding some people gave huge gifts, others a card, others nothing at all. We were just pleased they came and honestly didn't mind.

Levantine · 28/02/2013 17:03

Just read OP properly - you're not even going to the wedding

Lafaminute · 28/02/2013 17:16

Unless they are very close friends I would go with that if you're not going then a card with nice sentiments is sufficient. I can't really remember who did or didn't give me presents when I got married except for a few VERY generous ones and one lovely painting. I certainly did not expect anything from those who couldn't come

AnnaRack · 28/02/2013 17:53

They would like money in an envelope with our names on it
So they will be able to record who gave how much??!
Don't five them anything, just send a card, in an envelope, with your name on it.
You say they're well off, but that sort of request is just going to embarrass people who can't afford to give much. Very thoughtless of them.

Original poster

Rootatoot · 28/02/2013 21:21

I've bought a lovely hand made card already & a little silly thing which I know they'll like. I also invited them for a celebratory lunch with us when they return, as we can't be there. I'm thinking this is enough.

I would've bought a gift but not comfortable with money, & can't afford huge amount so would be embarassed to give them it.

Feel bit disappointed in their email. Think if i had asked about gift list that'd be one thing, but I didn't.

IME seems its often well off people who do this kind of thing. Just get disconnected from what its like to worry about money.

OP posts:

FarBetterNow · 28/02/2013 21:27

Don't give them anything.
I thought when people were well off and already had household stuff they asked for donations to charity in lieu of presents, if guests wanted to buy a gift.
But I suppose some people are just greedy.

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