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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel that this is a bit of a cheek (wedding related!)

46 replies

Rootatoot · 28/02/2013 16:33

Ok, maybe I'm being tight here but we were invited to a wedding which is taking place abroad and are unable to go for both financial and practical reasons, which is fine and the couple understand as many are in the same position.

The groom is an old friend of mine and has been with his lovely fiancee for a couple of years though we've only met her once or twice.

He is well off (drives v cool sports car, mortgage free in current house, has share portfolio, several holidays a year etc). Good for him, he is very clever and works hard, and has earnt what he has. No problem with it at all.

So chatted last week for first time in a while to see how things were going. All good. Then this morning out of the blue I get an email from them to say if we were going to get them a wedding gift then they would rather not have a gift as they have lots to carry from going abroad and would prefer money. Now the bride is from a culture where this is common - fair enough perhaps but I feel it is a bit crass. They would like money in an envelope with our names on it.

Basically they've said they want a new house and would put money towards it. We don't have much money. We must earn a quarter or less than they do. They didn't buy us a wedding present when we were married less than 5 years ago. Now I don't think you give to receive and I was going to buy them a nice gift but now it's either we don't bother or give them money. I feel embarassed giving them money as I think you have to basically give them £50 up really or it would look crap.

So AIBU to think this is a bit off? Or are they just being practical? I know if they were married here we'd spend more on attending than £50 but I just feel a bit affronted to be honest. We didn't have a wedding list as we had a v small wedding and didn't think it was appropriate if we weren't inviting lots of people.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rootatoot · 28/02/2013 21:38

I don't feel its greedy so much as opportunistic.

Simple - not a generic email as such. Think I'd have been less bothered by that. Think they've used same email to other people but said ' dear root, root's dh & ds'.

It was fact I rang for chat then they sent this.

OP posts:

hermioneweasley · 28/02/2013 21:44

You may be over thinking it - if cash is the norm n the bride's culture, then they may just be explaining (assuming it was a block email) what they would prefer. I don't see how it's different to saying - if you'd like to get a gift then our list is at x shop

Original poster

Rootatoot · 28/02/2013 21:59

Possibly hermione. I suppose it just came across as presumptuous & tactless really. It wasn't mass email to all guests., as was addressed to us by name. I ring for catchup & get this as reply next day & they know we're not well off. Wedding not far off so it came across as they've sent this email out to guests already but because I rang, sent to me as well.

OP posts:

ChairmanWow · 28/02/2013 22:09

It's the name on the envelope bit I find really distasteful. Give them a pound each and tell them to get themselves some sweets.

INeverSaidThat · 28/02/2013 22:13

I think what you are planning to do sounds about right. I wouldn't give it any more thought.

aldiwhore · 28/02/2013 22:13

You're not going to the wedding, you don't have to provide a gift.

I personally think that if you WERE going, although a gift isn't compulsory, it would be very rude to turn up without something, even just a token gift.

YANBU.

He's being very rude considering you are not attending.

Antidote · 28/02/2013 22:15

If there was ever a good time to give someone a charity goat, now is it.

I would be fuming. I don't give a rat's testicle about cultural differences. They didn't give you a present? Fuck em.

EarlyInTheMorning · 28/02/2013 22:32

I think that's unbelievably vulgar. And they didn't give you anything for your wedding? You've already got them a card, a small but meaningful gift and your treating them to lunch and you're not even going to their wedding? You've done enough.

GuffSmuggler · 01/03/2013 09:43

aldi even if the wedding is abroad and you have spent a small fortune and precious holiday time to attend? You still think it's rude not to give a gift?!

givemeaclue · 01/03/2013 09:51

Your suggestion of nice card, small silly gift and lunch on their return is perfect. Don't let their bad manners pressure you into giving them money!

DonderandBlitzen · 01/03/2013 09:54

They didn't buy us a wedding present when we were married less than 5 years ago. Eh? Why not? Did they attend your wedding?

Of course you needn't send money if they got you nothing when you got married and you are not attending the wedding. Bugger "You dont give to receive."

willesden · 01/03/2013 09:59

The lunch will probably cost you £50 so you are being a lovely friend. Too good for them imo. Just send the card.

cherrycarpet · 01/03/2013 10:04

Wow that is very crass! Puts pressure on you that you don't need so don't do it. They sound a little bit grabby.

Just send them a lovely card wishing them well for the future and sorry that you can't join them at the wedding.

Don't worry any more about it...

DonderandBlitzen · 01/03/2013 10:04

Could you email round the other friends and suggest none of your put your name on the envelope? That way you can all donate a couple of pounds only.

diaimchlo · 01/03/2013 10:08

I hate it when people tell you they want money for gift, I think it is rude tbh.

A gift is something that is given with thought and should not be demanded.

penelopepissstop · 01/03/2013 12:50

Lovely card. No money.
They probably won't think anything of it if they know you can't attend for financial reasons.
DH's friends have started expecting contributions for joint birthday gifts. It's all out of hand! YANBU.

Pandemoniaa · 01/03/2013 13:00

You're not going to the wedding, you're not obliged to give a gift. Well, you wouldn't be anyway, but even more so if you're not going.

This. In your situation I would send a lovely card and I'd not object to giving a gift. But I would object to receiving an email that more or less told me that the price for not attending a wedding was a significant cash donation!

DonderandBlitzen · 01/03/2013 13:15

Maybe when they sent the email round they just forgot to delete the names of people who had said they weren't coming?

atthewelles · 01/03/2013 13:23

People should not ask for cash gifts. The majority of guests usually do give gift cheques nowadays as couples are older getting married and have gone beyond the 'setting up home and needing pots and pans' stage. However, there will always be guests who just can't afford to spend a lot on a wedding present and it is much easier to disguise this fact by shopping cleverly for something nice but inexpensive than being forced to cough up hard cash where the B&G can see quite clearly how much has been spent on them.

atthewelles · 01/03/2013 13:23

PS YANBU. You're not going to the wedding, you didn't get a wedding present from them, so a small gift, a lunch and a card sounds very generous.

DumSpiroSpero · 01/03/2013 13:33

I think what you're doing already is lovely - was going to suggest taking them out for a meal when they get back.

Definitely no need for more than that under the circumstances.

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