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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about mmc & response from dm &ds...

33 replies

Shellywelly1973 · 27/02/2013 00:10

I went for my 12 week scan last Saturday. The baby died 4 weeks ago. I had no idea anything was wrong. I can't even describe the shock&sadness i am experiencing.

Dp & i had decided not to announce the pregnancy until after the scan. I only told my oldest friend.

Dp& I have 3 dc together. I have 2 grown up dc from my 1st marriage.

One of our dc is Autistic. Our family life is hectic & ds is difficult at times.

So, tonight i call my mum & sister to tell them Whats happened. They both offered sympathy. They both asked me when i was getting sterilized & my dsis asked if they could do it tomorrow doing the erpc operation.

This baby was planned. AIBU in expecting some understanding from my Dm&dsis, both of them have had mc. They both said it was probably for the best incase it was like ds.

Im exhausted & spent most of today in the hospital so tell me( gently ). AIBU?

OP posts:
GroupieGirl · 27/02/2013 00:12

Definitely not. Their reaction was cruel. I'm sorry for your loss.

IRCL · 27/02/2013 00:17

How insensitive.

YANBU OP. Sorry to hear about your loss.

CommanderShepard · 27/02/2013 00:17

No you are not and I'm appalled by their attitude. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Pourquoimoi · 27/02/2013 00:20

YANBU at all. Sorry for your loss.

I can be insensitive without realising but your family have really stepped over the line. They hold not be saying that at all.

Pourquoimoi · 27/02/2013 00:21

"Should not" no " hold not" sorry.

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 27/02/2013 00:22

I thought, maybe they are right.
I've 5 dc altogether. Life is a bit noisy, bonkers&difficult at times.

Im probably pushing my luck due to my age but no health problems. Dm never has any of the younger dc, though she did help with my older two. Dsis has dc now & again, as i have her dc.

Obviously they have a very different perspective of my family then Dp& i do.

OP posts:
Jinsei · 27/02/2013 00:27

Of course yanbu. :( You poor thing.

I want to believe that their insensitive and hurtful remarks were some sort of misguided attempt to comfort you, but it's difficult to see why anyone might think such comments would be helpful. I hope that you get some more support from the friend that you mentioned - have you told her yet?

I'm so sorry about your loss.

lurkedtoolong · 27/02/2013 00:27

What the very fuck? I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm one of the most insensitive people I know and can often say the wrong thing because I'm not sure what to say and don't want to leave a silence. Never in my worst moments would something as cruel as this even occur to me.

You are not being unreasonable at all, again I'm very sorry for your loss and very sorry your mum and sister are not giving you and dp the support you need right now.

IneedAsockamnesty · 27/02/2013 00:29

That horrible, there are many people who trot out crap like that, usually unkind people. Or ones that think they are saying the right thing.

Sorry for your loss x

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 27/02/2013 00:36

Thankyou all. My friend popped in tonight, she's been at a funeral all afternoon & had a 90 mile drive home but made her dh& dc stay in the car just to give me a hug- i love her!

I thought you lot might agree with my dsis&Dm but even if you do think that, you wouldn't say it-surely?

OP posts:
InLoveWithDavidTennant · 27/02/2013 00:43

Shock thats horrible! what insensitive f*ckwits. sorry but they are. and no, none of us are even thinking anything that either, so get that out of your head! im so glad you have a fantastic friend

im so sorry for your loss Thanks

Sorelip · 27/02/2013 00:50

If my mum said that to me, that would be the end of our relationship. YANBU.

AngryBeaver · 27/02/2013 00:54

yes, they have idiot-itus, glad you didn't inherit it Smile

I'm really sorry for you're loss.

It's a dreadful shock to go to that scan and then hear the news, just heartbreaking. You need to just be kind to yourself and pay no heed to people like that.
Some people are beyond insensitive.
I remember a dad at school saying something blase to me like "ah well, that's life eh?" I cried all the way home.

Ifyou know they're not going to be gentle with your feelings, avoid them for a while until you feel strong enough to defend yourself.

I wish you a speedy recovery, and a healthy next pregnancy x

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2013 00:56

I know it's MN, but {{Hugs}}

So sorry for your loss. Just take care of yourself.

GlitterySkulls · 27/02/2013 00:58
Shock

insensitive and cruel.

maybe distance yourself from them a bit until you're a little less fragile.

"They both said it was probably for the best incase it was like ds."- this is just downright nasty- in your shoes i wouldn't want them anywhere near me or my children.

(((((((((hugs))))))) - i hope you're as ok as you can be. xxx

MidniteScribbler · 27/02/2013 01:11

Wow, that is so cruel. Don't some people think before they open their mouths?

SaggyOldClothCatpuss · 27/02/2013 01:16

Totally vile! Sad Angry Sad
A lot of the time, I think the problem is that people dont realise the imapct a MC has. I know that I certainly didnt until I recently went through it! They dont get that you are devestated and grieving. Its just a few cells...
so they tailor their responses to how they think you should be feeling. 'Hey ho' 'these things happen'.
But I think that your nearest and dearest have taken insensitivity to a whole new level. I agree with Glittery, you need to pull in your oars, close the shutters and stay away. They sound like horrible people who wont do anything to aid your coming to terms with what has happened.
You need to be surrounded by people who love you, care for you and can let you come to terms with this loss in your own time. And everyone is different. Dont let anyone tell you how you should be feeling.
Something people always say is that you wont ever forget, but the pain will fade. Even in the few weeks since my MC this is true. Take care of yourself, hang in there and have a huuge {{{hug}}}

DPotter · 27/02/2013 02:02

You poor thing - so sorry for you & your family about your baby.

It was truley horrid of your mum & sis to say something like that.

Look after your self

pumpkinsweetie · 27/02/2013 06:58

Yanbu, what shockingly disgraceful behaviour from your mother & sister!!!
So very for your loss op, please take care & rest as much as you can.
I do understand what you mean by unsympathetic family members as i experienced near enough the same last week from my mother and in truth for a few days, i started to believe what she said :(.
My mother is normally very supportive of me, but during & after me recent mc she wasn't as thoughtful as usual.
I think people that haven't miscarried, don't really understand the emotional impact it has on you. It's not a spoken of subject and unfortunetly still taboo, which is a great shame as only we as mothers can remember the loss/es in out lifes. Rather almost like our lost babies are not aknowledged :(.
My mother basically told me that in the olden days i wouldn't have even known the bfp that early, so i wouldn't have noticed back then :O!
Fwiw i tested when my af was 3 days late fgs!
Then she went on to say, oh was ir really an accident? :O and how i already have enough children & that i should admit defeat & not bother ttc after this as it was an accident anyway!
I also got told that she was glad i seem better as she thought i was depressed after just 2 days in!
Then the worst bit of all, "you are upset because you thought you were pregnant"-wtaf! Basically insuating i wasn't pregnant i presume!
I had got used to being pregnant in that week i knew & i became so excited about my little beans future & my mother had basically made me believe i was just having a heavy period!
Fgs i had 3 bfps all different makes and i was definetly pregnant, i should know, especially considering the cramps, back pain & clots :(
The subject of mc needs to be more spoken off

fluffyraggies · 27/02/2013 07:14

I'm so sorry OP Thanks

People say the most crass and careless things in some situations. It like their compassion button just gets switched off. The sadest part is that it makes getting over things like this much harder when you have their words swirling round your head and making you feel bitter.

My advice would be to try to forgive and let go of it. They were thoughtless and wont realise what they've done.

I really wish you good luck with your ttc :)

MerryCouthyMows · 27/02/2013 07:19

OMG how cruel. My eldest has Autism. YADNBU. I can't think of words to say about their attitudes. I am so sorry for your loss. Thanks

HorryDrelincourt · 27/02/2013 07:51

How unfeeling. Even if it had been an accident and you were considering sterilisation, that's none of their business and absolutely not the moment to mention it.

Take care of yourself.

Icelollycraving · 27/02/2013 08:03

Insensitive,cruel & crass :(
You sound like a lovely family. Sorry for your loss Thanks

mardyelsie · 27/02/2013 08:04

YADNBU My first pregnancy ended just like yours has. It still hurts 15 years later. After my second MC (4th pregnancy) my Mum said "Maybe your body's trying to tell you something" I was so hurt by this comment, I don't think I'll ever forget it. I hope my daughters never have to experience MC, but if they do I hope I'll be a damn sight more sympathetic.

Take care if yourself, it takes time to come to terms with.

IncrediblePhatTheInnkeepersCat · 27/02/2013 08:28

YANBU

I am so sorry for your loss. (((Hug)))

That was such a cruel thing for them to even think, let alone say!

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