AIBU about mmc & response from dm &ds...

[Shellywelly1973]

I went for my 12 week scan last Saturday. The baby died 4 weeks ago. I had no idea anything was wrong. I can't even describe the shock&sadness i am experiencing.

Dp & i had decided not to announce the pregnancy until after the scan. I only told my oldest friend.

Dp& I have 3 dc together. I have 2 grown up dc from my 1st marriage.

One of our dc is Autistic. Our family life is hectic & ds is difficult at times.

So, tonight i call my mum & sister to tell them Whats happened. They both offered sympathy. They both asked me when i was getting sterilized & my dsis asked if they could do it tomorrow doing the erpc operation.

This baby was planned. AIBU in expecting some understanding from my Dm&dsis, both of them have had mc. They both said it was probably for the best incase it was like ds.

Im exhausted & spent most of today in the hospital so tell me( gently ). AIBU?

Thankyou all for your very kind responses.
You know the way you sometimes lose perspective when its all going mad around you...

I went into hospital this morning. Had the op& Im at home now. Those who suggested i put distance between myself,Dm& dsis are right & i will do.

Dp asked me why i told them,i said because this is too important to me, not to tell them.

I realise today, that was my mistake-my baby & my children are very obviously seen as an inconvience and ds due to his Autism worth very little to them both.

I need to not allow them to treat me & my family like crap. I need to grow a pair & instead of not saying anything when they both talk shit-tell them how it actually is.

I also posted in the miscarriage section last Saturday after i found out about the baby.
The kindness I've experienced from strangers on the internet, at one of the most difficult times i have ever experienced, has been overwhelming.
Thankyou to each & everyone of you, you helped me more then you will ever know. Xxx

Take care, OP.

OP

I know you're hurting right now - and i've been there and been on the end of some thoughtless comments myself.

But it might help you to reflect that they were doing/saying the knee jerk try-and- make it-better comments to try and comfort you. Thoughtless, stupid, lacking empathy etc - but not said deliberately to hurt. Often it can be the people that you expect the most comfort from that shock you when they come out with the crappest stuff.

I would lay bets they'd die for your DS and would be horrified and amazed if you said they'd said his life was pointless - and then get angry with you.

You have to make a choice whether to explain how what they said affected you but be prepared that they never understand.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself space and time. I've found that 6 months later i still feel the hurt of thoughtless comments but the anger has gone.

Picak, i totally agree with you.
They mean well but are very heavy handed!
I also realise few people understand ds challenging behaviour & why he behaves the way he does,Im including hcp's in that as well as staff at his very expensive special school!

I appreciate it was a shock for them. They found out i was pregnant, had lost the baby & needed an operation in one sentance.

I just want to hibernate at the moment. Then i will gently but firmly deal with the pair of them!

YANBU. The only correct response to being told this news is, "I'm so sorry to hear that".

Look after yourself and take no heed of what they've said

YANBU this was bad bad reation from them both. Sorry for your loss

Good post PicaK. Do you think they would have been more sympathetic if it had been your first pregnancy?

I hope you feel better soon.

How unfeeling. Even if it had been an accident and you were considering sterilisation, that's none of their business and absolutely not the moment to mention it.

This ^^