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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting married abroad AIBU

45 replies

crashdoll · 26/02/2013 18:39

My uncle is getting married abroad because it's much cheaper for him and his wife-to-be.

He's getting pissed off that several close family members have suggested they may not be coming due to financial (and other) issues. He has elderly parents and 2 nephews who will be in the middle of university exams and I have a health condition that means travelling is tricky.

I'm really angry that he's making such a fuss and upsetting my grandparents (his parents) who are not in good health and don't have much money.

I think it's utterly selfish to get married abroad and guilt your relatives into coming when money is an issue as is health and other commitments.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 26/02/2013 18:40

YANBU, mostly. Get married abroad if you want, that's fine, but don't be mad if folks can't come.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 26/02/2013 18:41

YANBU, I think.

It's sad you can't all be with him, but he should have expected this.

Are you sure it's only because it's cheaper that he's doing it? That's the only possible reason I can think that he might not be totally unreasonable, if there's ome other reason.

But otherwise, no, it seems very rude to me. After all it's not really cheaper, is it, if he's expecting other people to shell out to come.

HecateWhoopass · 26/02/2013 18:43

So tell him to wind his neck in. It's his choice to do it abroad, if having people there was the most important thing - he has the option of a registry office do with a pub lunch after!

He's made this choice. Is he really THAT selfcentred that he doesn't give a shit how much other people will have to spend?

CalamityJ · 26/02/2013 18:48

Weddings abroad might be cheaper for the bride and groom but are far more expensive for their guests so YANBU to think the Uncle shouldn't be guilting people but per se it's not utterly selfish to get married abroad, only selfish to not consider that there will inevitably be consequences in that not everyone you would want to go will be able to make it.

FruOla · 26/02/2013 18:48

YANBU at all.

If someone makes the decision to get married in a different country from the majority of their family and friends, then they have to accept that many people won't be able to go - for various reasons.

mummywithnosleep · 26/02/2013 18:50

As someone that got married abroad (We live abroad) there where not many people to invite.

BUt DP best Man could not get time of work, we said sorry you cant be their but work comes first and its only one day, and promised to do something with him when back in the UK

My friend would have been studing for / sitting exams. We said sorry, but exams comes first and promised to do something in the UK next time we are back.

YANBU, its a shame you can´t be there.

We got married out her for a very specific reason but we did realise that that would mean a good percentage of the very few people we wanted to invite wouldn´t be able to come which was a shame. But it could not be helped on either side.

Pickles101 · 26/02/2013 18:52

YANBU.

DontmindifIdo · 26/02/2013 18:55

OP - you are wrong, weddings abroad are not cheaper, they cost the same or more in total, it's just the guests shoulder a greater percentage of the costs.

He could get married in the UK, or get married at a time that wasn't in the middle of exams for his DNs, but he hasn't done either of these things. His choices mean that other people wo'nt be able to make it. Tough.

sooperdooper · 26/02/2013 18:57

I got married abroad and I think YANBU, we knew people wouldn't all be able to come, we never put any pressure on anyone at all and of people said they couldn't come we said that's fine and never pushed it at all

Sounds like your uncle hadn't really thought it through before deciding to get married abroad, you can't expect everyone to come at all

orangepudding · 26/02/2013 18:58

YANBU.
Anyone getting married abroad shouldn't expect guests to attend but be delighted if they can.

ilovepowerhoop · 26/02/2013 18:59

weddings abroad are much much cheaper if you just go yourself (like me and dh did). We didnt expect or invite others to go with us so were just having the trip abroad and the wedding by ourselves.

sooperdooper · 26/02/2013 18:59

Oh and it's only really cheaper to get married abroad because less people tend to go, so your uncles reasons for getting married abroad explain the lack of guests wanting to attend, ironic he's getting worked up about it Grin

orangepudding · 26/02/2013 19:00

Dontmind it can be cheaper to get married abroad. My wedding, photos and limo cost £250 abroad!

ilovepowerhoop · 26/02/2013 19:08

I think our wedding abroad cost less than £5K as we just went ourselves - that included the 2 weeks in Kenya, photos and a video recording.

CardinalRichelieu · 26/02/2013 19:13

I think YANBU. I have turned down 2 weddings this year because they are abroad and I can't afford to go (one is in America fgs, for absolutely no reason other than 'it'll be fun'). It's more forgiveable if one of you is from the place you're getting married in, but even then you have to accept people might not be able/willing to pay for a flight, hotel and general travelness over a period of some days for what is not even a proper holiday where you can do what you want.

sooperdooper · 26/02/2013 19:14

OP - you are wrong, weddings abroad are not cheaper, they cost the same or more in total, it's just the guests shoulder a greater percentage of the costs.

The guests don't cover the costs of the wedding if it's abroad, they normally cover the cost of their own holiday, if they want to go, or don't if they don't :)

The actual wedding is usually cheaper as there are less guests, so less per head to pay for

firesidechat · 26/02/2013 19:17

It's not particularly unreasonable to get married abroad if that's what you want.

It is very unreasonable to expect anyone you know to go too, especially elderly parents.

So YANBU.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 26/02/2013 19:17

I don't follow how we can generalize about weddings being cheaper abroad. Surely it would depend where?!

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes · 26/02/2013 19:19

YANBU

It's not UR to get married abroad per se. It is VUR to get married abroad and expect people to attend.

Writehand · 26/02/2013 19:22

YANBU! A close friend is in the same position and it makes me totally fume to see the stress and bad feeling this is causing.

My friend's committed to paying £4,000!!! For a family of 4. And then when she said she couldn't afford to shell out another £300+ for the hen night the couple got really arsey. They're really cross that she's had to refuse. It's soo rude.

I have a wealthy brother. When he invites us to parties at his house out in the country (I don't drive) he sends us home in a taxi -- for a journey of 50 miles. Either that or we stay over and he drives us home the next day. He looks after me and mine, and tactfully covers for my low income. He never puts me to expense.

Pressurising your loved ones into expenses you know damn well they can't afford is just appallingly rude. And very unloving.

Snowme · 26/02/2013 19:40

Simple solution would be to let Uncle go ahead and marry abroad then he pays for a good old bash for the relatives and a church blessing ceremony when he gets back home, as the blessing can be still be attended in full wedding attire and the oath is the same virtually.

People who marry abroad AND want relatives to attend, should probably give plenty of notice, ie a year!, and possibly even pay for or heavily subsidise their travel costs.

Personally, I'd marry modestly in a register office with a simple, silk, vintage dress and veil then spend money on a nice bash for the rellies at a pub over the road.
Marriage is about two people committing to each other, not pleasing the entire associated families.

Jins · 26/02/2013 19:42

I got married abroad and nobody was invited.

Snowme · 26/02/2013 19:42

Simple solution would be to let Uncle go ahead and marry abroad then he pays for a good old bash for the relatives and a church blessing ceremony when he gets back home, as the blessing can be still be attended in full wedding attire and the oath is the same virtually.

People who marry abroad AND want relatives to attend, should probably give plenty of notice, ie a year!, and possibly even pay for or heavily subsidise their travel costs.

Personally, I'd marry modestly in a register office with a simple, silk, vintage dress and veil then spend money on a nice bash for the rellies at a pub over the road.
Marriage is about two people committing to each other, not pleasing the entire associated families.

Hissy · 26/02/2013 19:45

Personally, I'd bundle our respective DC up and ELOPE! Grin

OP, YADNBU, ignore the eejit uncle

Hulababy · 26/02/2013 19:52

It isn;t selfish to get married abroad. It is a valid choice for many reasons, even if that is just because you want to.

However it is selfish to get upset and cross if people cannot come to the wedding, for whatever reason they give (even if just they don't want to).