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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why you often hear about men going off their wives/dps when they become mums.....

41 replies

MoodyDidIt · 25/02/2013 10:01

but you NEVER hear of women seeing their dh / dps differently and going off them after they become fathers?

it has never happened to me, luckily, i was already a mum of one when i met my now DH and it didn't seem to put him off plus he is not a twat

and then when i had DD with him he seemed to love me even more after she was born if anything.

anyway, was just something i was thinking about and thought i would put it out there on MN

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 25/02/2013 10:04

I can think of lots of examples of women going off their husbands/partner after a baby. Usually because it highlights their partners are lazy/selfish/controlling/delete as appropriate.

cory · 25/02/2013 10:05

I think it's about expectations.

Some men- not all!- have expectations which are all about their needs being met, not about them meeting other people's needs. They see their relationship as a place where somebody is looking after them and makes sure they get what they need. A baby throws them because suddenly there is somebody else making demands on their "carer".

Very few women do have the expectations that they will be able to have a small baby and still go on being the one who receives rather than gives.

Having said that, I have known men with a very strong caring instinct who have become more keen on staying in a relationship that wasn't otherwise very good because of the baby.

BertieBotts · 25/02/2013 10:06

I've heard of it quite a lot if the DP/DH turns into a bit of a twat - realistically in these cases they've usually always been one but because both partners have been fairly self sufficient before baby they haven't noticed/it hasn't been an issue, add in the vulnerability of having a small baby and it all becomes apparent.

cory · 25/02/2013 10:08

Basically, as Bertie says, that kind of person has always been a twat, but it hasn't been apparent, because there has been no competition.

fluffyraggies · 25/02/2013 10:29

The changes, physical, social and mental, that pregnancy, birth, motherhood and all it entails causes can come come as a massive (and, lets be honest sometimes unpleasant) shock to the woman too.

Speaking simplistically the woman has to learn to find a way to get on with it somehow though. You can't swap bodies, and very few new mums actually walk away from their baby.

The father of a child will naturally have a different perspective on pregnancy, birth and motherhood than the mother. There is a whole spectrum of reasons why a relationship can flounder at these times.

At one end of the scale there will be the entitled knob who can't or won't face the fact that a real relationship isn't like a porn movie, to the other end of the scale where a man is simply unequipped or unprepared (for what ever reason - upbringing? culture?) to cope with all the changes that occur when a woman becomes a mother. A 'good man' will find a way to get through it with his partner.

There's no simple answer though.

Adversecamber · 25/02/2013 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MoodyDidIt · 25/02/2013 10:52

I can think of lots of examples of women going off their husbands/partner after a baby. Usually because it highlights their partners are lazy/selfish/controlling/delete as appropriate.

oh yeah deffo agree with that; dc1 dad became all of the above after dc was born, hence why he's an ex :o ... but thats more going off them because of them becoming one of the above, not that they have become a father

OP posts:
AyeOopMoose · 25/02/2013 10:53

I feel differently about DH after having children but I would never admit it to anyone.

To me the DC are the most important thing (especially as they are v little). DH sometimes still puts his needs first.

He is himself, my DH and finally a dad. To me that's the wrong priorities.

Who knows which of us is right.

Don't get me wrong I still love him but it has affected our relationship and not for the better.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist · 25/02/2013 10:58

I realised my DHs feelings had changed slightly after I had our DS. I think he felt my body had changed so enormously it scared him. We never spoke about it and he adjusted within 6 months.
My DBIL cheated on his DW just after they had their DD together. He's an absolute wanker anyway but apparently said he couldn't cope with the lack of attention FFS.

DaveMccave · 25/02/2013 11:01

You are very naive then. Why do you think so many relationships break down during pregnancy or after having a baby? Very rarely it's because the father has 'gone off' the mother, and very commonly because of argument arising from immature fathers going out drinking/not pulling their weight.

MiaowTheCat · 25/02/2013 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MoodyDidIt · 25/02/2013 11:33

he "failed" me through the whole birth experience - he basically became a selfish lump sat in the corner of the room playing on his mobile phone, complaining he was tired and the chair was uncomfortable and his finest hour - he gave me a backrub (which was helping) consisting of two rubs and then half an hour's complaint his arm was aching!

miaow - OMG :( :(

OP posts:
Mondrian · 25/02/2013 12:15

I dont think its so much the physical changes (unless one is really shallow) but how each partner judge the other as a parent.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist · 25/02/2013 14:47

It's incredibly stressful having a newborn baby. It stretches lots of couples and for good reason. Lack of sleep and exhaustion, birth trauma, changes in the dynamics of the family.
Many many couples argue a lot in the first years and it can put an enormous strain on marriages.
Personally I think this is more to blame than shallowness on either side or one person suddenly realising their partner is a tool. I suspect most people already know their partner is a waste of space but that post birth, they are unable to put up with it any longer.

GammerBeavis · 25/02/2013 17:27

Miaow how did you get back on track?

pumpkinsweetie · 25/02/2013 17:55

Don't get me wrong, having babies is stressful & does take a toll physically, aswell as emotionally and most couples sail through it within months, but there are those that use it as an excuse, as they are not no1 anymore.

Some men are understanding, others are not!
But the same goes for women too, although tired etc, i do believe closeness of some form is important and some women do forget their partner somewhat and in some cases i think it contributes to the man leaving.

I think the important thing is to remember you are partner aswell as a mum. Couple time is important, whether it's a movie together, night out, massage, game, or some form of sexual intimacy -it's all important once you have the time & have healed etc. Even if its once a week, you both deserve couple time.

But yes there are some men who leave as an excuse & to get out of being a decent caring partner & father.

BelaLugosisShed · 25/02/2013 18:49

I don't wonder why, I know why, it's because some men are selfish, emotionally immature man-children who can't stand the fact that they are no-longer numero uno.
Mature, emotionally secure men who love and respect their partners don't turn into sulky inadequates, they realise and accept that life will revolve around babies for a long time and they support and nurture the woman who is carrying or has just given birth to their child.

BoneyBackJefferson · 25/02/2013 19:09

Although I agree with all of the above, I do know several men that went off their wives after the birth of their child because they could no longer do anything right.

MamaBear17 · 25/02/2013 19:45

I think that if a partnership can survive the life changing adjustment that is becoming a first time parent then that couple can survive anything. I see my hubby in a different way now; some ways for the better, but having a baby did highlight how selfish he could be. Also, whilst he would tell the world that he thinks I am a good mum, it also highlighted what a complete neurotic, control freak I can be. We have had to work on our relationship and try and adjust to our new life. 18 months later and we are just about there!

littleducks · 25/02/2013 19:53

I think the pregnancy and first yr of my pfb were the toughest time we have had relationship wise. I definitely went off dh a bit, not because he was a twat. In the pregnancy i had HG and was a grumpy, nasty person. I felt awful was starving and malnourished but unable keep water down and felt like i was being tortured to death. Then after the birth I was sleep deprived and became very highly strung, and immediately forgot how horrid i had been for nine months! Then we were both stressed adapting to our new roles.

But we got through it! And even decided to have more Hmm

HollyBerryBush · 25/02/2013 20:20

I can think of a lot of women, post birth, who obsessed about the baby, decided they were 'mother superiors' and utter font of all knowledge, totally ostracised their partners from the childs life for about 18 months. In short they viewed their men folk as sperm doners and bank accounts.

If you want a relationship to last the course, you don't decide that your way is the only way; it also helps if you don't decide to take any advice/comment as a perceived insult; and whilst you may not be up for sexual relations, you should be able to still be affectionate and emotionally intimate. (I dont mean BJs and wanks, I mean cuddles and a kiss in the morning and kiss before sleeping)

tin hat, flame proof suit

N0tinmylife · 25/02/2013 20:32

I am sure relationships suffer for a lot of reasons post baby. For me it felt like someone had set off a grenade in the middle of our relationship. Eventually the pieces all settled, in a different way to how they'd been before, but just as good. It took a while though, and was a huge adjustment for us both. I'm not surprised some relationships go under.

butterflyroom · 25/02/2013 20:40

Oh my God Holly....anyway, my STBXH decided he didn't love me as a wife anymore but saw me only as a mum. This a year after DS was born and two months into his affair with a work colleague.

VisualiseAHorse · 25/02/2013 20:43

Of course some women 'forget' their partners after a new baby..!! You can feel like your body has been turned inside-out, sleep seems like some far-off dream world, your hormones are nuts etc etc etc.

I think some men do not truly realise what it is that a woman has just gone through - and like previous posters have said - it can bring out the 'twat' in them, that was already there but not as noticeable because the couple only had each other to look after. Suddenly all the attention is on the baby, all the questions are about the baby, how is he sleeping, is she feeding well and so on. I think it can bring out a 'jealous sibling' feeling in the partner.

I think it works both ways - if either you are twats, having a baby will only make it more apparent.

VisualiseAHorse · 25/02/2013 20:45

Holly - I agree with you, you do have to give some attention to your partner after the birth, let him know that you do still love him and weren't just using him as a sperm bank!