to wonder why you often hear about men going off their wives/dps when they become mums.....

[MoodyDidIt]

but you NEVER hear of women seeing their dh / dps differently and going off them after they become fathers?

it has never happened to me, luckily, i was already a mum of one when i met my now DH and it didn't seem to put him off plus he is not a twat

and then when i had DD with him he seemed to love me even more after she was born if anything.

anyway, was just something i was thinking about and thought i would put it out there on MN

I agree with Holly, speaking of some women. Rather like what i said upthread, couple time is important.

" you do have to give some attention to your partner after the birth, let him know that you do still love him and weren't just using him as a sperm bank!"

How soon after the birth? I personally think women who have just brought another human into the world should be cut some slack when it cones to attending to their men's needs

I rather think a woman who has given birth is the one who needs attention and affection, personally.

But then the very expression 'couple time' makes me feel rather ill.

How soon after the birth? I personally think women who have just brought another human into the world should be cut some slack when it cones to attending to their men's needs

Its not your partners needs, its your relationship needs. You aren't going to get the lurgy from kissing someone good night, exchanging smiles, and falling asleep on someones shoulder...... nor saying thank you when someone makes you a cup of tea, brings you something to eat, does something nice or out of the ordinary.

Far too many people, regardless of babies into the equation are selfish and forget the little things in life make a relationship mutually respectful and a happy place to be in.

I think I should be very grateful that there was an understanding woman on hand to give my husband blow jobs and thank him for making her a cup of tea when I was recovering from a horrendous labour and birth during which I very nearly died. And then I wanted the poor diddums NOT to sleep in the spare room for 8 months because he needed his sleep. I mean it's no WONDER he went off me

There's also an element that woman's lifestyle changes dramatically. I worked long hours, often longer than DH before having DS. Right up through pregnancy I was dressing in smart clothes and heels, working long hours, knowing stuff going on in the City often before he was hearing it, meeting the great and good. Having my own money, going out alot, we would meet in cool bars after work and discuss our busy days over strong drinks. We'd eat out at least once a week, usually 2 - 3 times.

Then I had DS. And I wore jeans, flat boots and breastfeeding friendly clothes. And stopped having the energy to do my hair and makeup. DH would come home rather than meet me in town and we'd drink squash. All I had to talk about was DS's poo and feeding and sleeping. DH would say "how was your day?" and rather than talk about some interesting bit of city gossip I'd say " we've had an ok day - couple of poo explosions." My world became a lot more mumsy and a lot less interesting. And my body was all a bit leaky and battered and less groomed.

While I've got part of the old me back, I'm still far less groomed and far more domestic focussed (and I rarely hear city gossip anymore!). DH hasn't gone off me and loves the new me, but I can easily see for a lot of men, the woman they married isn't there anymore, this new person sharing their life might not be as attractive to some men.

On the other hand, very few men dramatically change their lifestyles after having DCs, they have their paternity leave then go back to the same office doing the same job. The dress in the same way, look the same and have similar lives as before.

I've seen quite a few women who shut their partner/husband out a lot after a baby has come along, can totally agree with Pumpkin and Holly.
It takes two to make a baby, ideally two people very much in love, and that means sharing the fun bits/the gross bits/the amazing bits, not one person being the oracle on everything.
It might also be a bit of a shock for some men to see their partner looking like a slob for the first time (not for mine I'm afraid!). Not that we should be trying to be glamorous, just pointing out that especially with the first DC the change in a woman is so dramatic it's hard to take in, I could see why the physical attraction is lessened for a while.

Or you could reverse that, and say a lot of men simply don't want to get involved in the wearing, grubby tedium of early parenthood.

fleecy :(

thats awful. sounds like you are well rid of that waste of space x

He sounds like a complete dick, fleecy. You are well rid!

Well, some men, who have had a toxic, misogynist, superstitious upbringing, can find it impossible to regard a mother as a sexual being, because the division of women into 'good' (maternal, domestic, sexless) and 'bad' (sexually active, no children, not fussed about domestic work) is too deep for them to cope with. But it's more usual for relationships to fail after the first baby arrives because the man shows his true arsehole colours, which the woman had previously been able to overlook.

My sister in law decided that she wanted to keep up with her 20-something friends and keep on going out on the piss, clubbing, off to festivals etc., when in her forties. So she dumped my brother, left him and the kids in the family home and now does her own thing, except when she can fit the kids in around her busy social life. She's ace.

AccidentalExhibitionist said "It's incredibly stressful having a newborn baby. It stretches lots of couples and for good reason. Lack of sleep and exhaustion, birth trauma, changes in the dynamics of the family. Many many couples argue a lot in the first years and it can put an enormous strain on marriages.
Personally I think this is more to blame than shallowness on either side or one person suddenly realising their partner is a tool. I suspect most people already know their partner is a waste of space but that post birth, they are unable to put up with it any longer."

I agree with this. There's been a lot of generalising on here. A new baby can change the couple dynamic in subtle and not always immediately obvious ways, and it means a lot of work on both sides.

Its not your partners needs, its your relationship needs. You aren't going to get the lurgy from kissing someone good night, exchanging smiles, and falling asleep on someones shoulder...... nor saying thank you when someone makes you a cup of tea, brings you something to eat, does something nice or out of the ordinary.

Yes - it's not just about the sexy stuff. Really, your relationship should be built on more than that anyway! During the first few weeks, once baby was in bed in the evening, we used to go and sit in the garden and chat for a few minutes about OH's day and our day at home. That was our 'couple time' (as boaky as that sounds). And it meant that I wasn't stressed about OH, he wasn't feeling left out, and we could re-connect.

I really think my needs were more important in the first few hellish months of DD1's life than some idea that my partner might be feeling 'left out'.

Quite, mother.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to spend time with your partner after having a baby, but making a particular effort to shouldn't be held up like some kind of necessity, and neither should it be assumed that if this contact/closeness is lacking that it's the woman's fault for "not tending to her husband's needs".

Men's needs don't override those of their partners, especially when she's just gone through something like childbirth. Frankly, the needs in those early days go Baby > Mother > Older children > Father, until the mother is fully recovered AND the baby is less than totally dependent.