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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder if it really is possible to 'have it all'??

28 replies

2anddone · 24/02/2013 11:36

Before anyone says anything I am not judging anybody just genuinely interested!
I am currently studying for my degree and eventually hope to have a career. Up until now i have had jobs, been a sahm and have finally plucked up the courage to study for something i have always wanted to do. Ds is at school and dd will be in year 2 by the time i qualify. I am already freaking out that after years of being able to drop everything to be there for them if they are ill or doing something at school i will have to miss it as will be working. Don't get me wrong i am looking forward to getting back to the 'adult world' and actually earning a decent salary but can i do that and still be there for my dc when they need me? I know i probably Abu as i really can't see how i can have a career and be there at the drop of a hat for my dc!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 24/02/2013 11:40

Are you a single parent?

Original poster

2anddone · 24/02/2013 11:42

no dh is here but works shifts so I have always done all childcare.

OP posts:

WipsGlitter · 24/02/2013 11:42

I work. I'm there for my children if they need me. Depends on your career obviously. Where I work (charity sector) lots of the staff have young families so there is a sense we are in the same boat so they're great about having to nip off if the school calls etc.

WorraLiberty · 24/02/2013 11:46

It's probably a case of trying to work an even amount of childcare around his shifts and your job.

If your DCs get ill, you'll have to work out who takes the time off on an even basis.

Original poster

2anddone · 24/02/2013 11:46

I am hoping to become a teacher so even though I know school holidays will be fine as I will also be off. Its getting time off in term time if they are sick that is worrying me

OP posts:

McNewPants2013 · 24/02/2013 11:48

It's a major juggling act and somethings have to be put on the list.

My children come first, then Dh then my job. I have OCD so my housework is done every day ( something I am working on) then hopefully time for myself

It is possible though.

CailinDana · 24/02/2013 11:50

Every situation involves some compromise, it just depends on what you're willing to compromise on. Teaching is a very full-on profession, it's hard to get a balance, but if you enjoy it and are committed to it, it is possible to make it work. You won't have it all, but then no one does.

WorraLiberty · 24/02/2013 11:50

It's possible to 'have it all' if you work together as a couple.

Your DH won't be used to taking time off when the kids are ill because you'll have cared for them in the past.

But as soon as you start work, that will have to be shared.

UnderwaterBasketWeaving · 24/02/2013 11:52

Schools are usually ok with time off for sick children, as long as you're not taking the piss (as with any employer, I'd imagine).

If you share duties with your partner, it'll only ever be a couple of days at a time.

It's important you both see your roles as equal from the outset. And its important your partner insists to his employers that his role in childcare and family life is important and equal to yours.

It works for DH and I. And I think a man standing up for his family and parental rights and responsibilities is well respected (in an annoyingly different way to women, but still...)

timidviper · 24/02/2013 11:53

I don't believe it is possible to have it all. Life is a series of compromises and you just have to go with the ones that suit your family best.

I chose to work part-time, have less work stress and forgo some career progression but have more time with DCs, SIL stuck with work, has had a far better career but has, by her own admission, missed some time with children. Neither one of us could be deemed to be "right" and we would both freely admit we have not had 100% in all areas. My DCs have not always had the financial advantages and opportunities hers had. Hers have not had the chilled out days at home, baking, go to park, etc as they have been at holiday clubs and have not had as much funtime with Mum.

Ultimately, ignore what anyone else thinks and do what is right for you. There is no way to have it all, you just have to have what is best for your family

UnderwaterBasketWeaving · 24/02/2013 11:54

Oh, and among my full-time teaching colleagues it's not unusual to delegate cleaning etc, as you would childcare!

Certainly housework is low on our list!

HappyAsASandboy · 24/02/2013 11:55

You can "have it all", but once you e got "it all", you may very well realise you'd like a bit less of something/everything!

I "have it all". I have small children, a successful career, a big house and a lovely husband. But along with that comes a huge nursery bill, too little time with my children, a long commute, a house in mid-renovation because we can't afford to pay for external help with building/decorating, a HUGE sense of responsibility that in holding it all together by a thread.

I love the things I have. But the downsides mean I work damn hard and am permanently knackered, just to keep "having it all". I keep telling myself it will all be worth it one day, but I increasingly worry that my children will be grown once one day comes :(

I hope you find a way to have the right balance, instead of having it all. Good luck!

gordyslovesheep · 24/02/2013 11:58

depends on your definition of 'all'

I am a working lone parent and manage to have a decent work/life balance - I am happy with the way things work for us but I don't set impossibly high standards for myself

UnderwaterBasketWeaving · 24/02/2013 12:01

Happy has a point.

I think it only works if you're happy in the 'now'. I know I'm not cut out to be a sahm, I know my childminder is incredible and DS has a far better time with her. But I also know it's only ever a few weeks till we have extended family time when we can do the relaxed home baking or walks or trips or whatever we fancy.

Termtime is full-on, but even that is enjoyable.

I can't emphasise enough how important team work between parents/partners is to keep things going. Accept it will be stressful, accept you won't be able to do everything, make your priorities and run with it.

MrsHerculePoirot · 24/02/2013 12:02

I teach three days a week. For me the perfect balance. When DD is ill my school are very good at time off and with the holidays for us it works well.

catgirl1976 · 24/02/2013 12:06

Lots of people do manage children and a career

I think you need good support around you though

forevergreek · 24/02/2013 12:17

you can 'have it all' if you work together. no ones career is more important than the other persons.

we both work full time, balance childcare between working from home and getting help in when needed. house is minimalistic to save tidying/cleaning more than necessary. a wonderful lady comes in 4 hrs a week and cleans and cooks for us :) (basic bathroom/kitchen clean and sheet changes, cooks 3/4 meals for us, freezes half for later in the week)

Chigley1 · 24/02/2013 12:17

I'm an ex-teacher now tutoring (own business) H also runs own business from home. We have a great work life balance. A bit skint so very rare days out/no holidays but that's through choice as kids are at indy school. We have lots of friends that keep us entertained. Happy with our lot.

Fairenuff · 24/02/2013 12:18

If you are planning on teaching full time it might be difficult to have time off for sick children. Especially if you get a call during your working hours. It's often not possible to arrange cover so quickly, so do have a back-up plan.

Teachers even have to plan their toilet breaks, so having to leave the classroom unexpectedly because of a sick child isn't really a realistic option.

If you are absent, the head teacher will have to pay for cover so unless it is you who is sick (not your child) they would probably not be happy to do this except under very special circumstances.

Also, you will not be able to attend your own child's school performances if they are during the daytime. You will be busy planning and rehearsing your own nativity plays, sports days, etc. but will not be able to take time off to attend your own child's. The teachers that I work with do miss a lot their own child's activities.

You will probably also be expected to cover at least one after-school club and possibly residential trips, depending on what year you will teach. If you have alternative childcare arrangements and don't mind missing a few things that are going on in your own child's life, you will be fine.

Schooldidi · 24/02/2013 12:27

I'm a teacher and the longest my dc have ever had to wait for me to arrive when they are ill has been about an hour. That's for me to finish the lesson I'm teaching and then do the 20 min commute to our cm/dd1's school.

I think it depends on the school you're at though, if you're in a small primary it must be more difficult to arrange cover than in a large secondary.

I have what would be considered 'having it all'. I have a career (teaching), a relationship, 2 dcs. It works fine because we do it together, it even worked fine when I was a single parent with dd1. I don't get to go to school plays etc but dp does, or one of my parents goes instead. I have a great cm who has the dds from 8-6 and the kids love her, even though it seems like a really long day for them.

Booyhoo · 24/02/2013 12:32

there is no 'all' .people always want more.

bigkidsdidit · 24/02/2013 12:32

I have a full time job I adore and a very happy family

I don't 'have it all' as what I have sacrificed is any time for myself, or a social life, as I leave work early to see the DC then catch up in the evening. I don't mind, as I decided to focus on babies + career for five years.

Depends what you define as it all, I suppose.

Fairenuff · 24/02/2013 12:34

OP are you thinking of primary or secondary. I would agree that primary would be more difficult to 'drop everything and run'. Well, actually, unless it's a complete emergency, I would say it's impossible.

There is rarely anyone 'free' to step in, other than perhaps the head teacher, or senco if they don't actually teach their own class.

Fairenuff · 24/02/2013 12:41

I think happiness can be defined as being truly content with what you already have. In some respects, it's counting your blessings, but I think it's much than that.

I am content. I do not want what I do not have. Sure, everyone can wish they were richer but as long as you have enough to meet your needs, you are content. As long as you have good relationships with the people that matter to you, you are content. As long as you feel loved, respected and supported, you are content.

Some people always want 'more'. More money, more time, more help. More than what they actually need to make them content. Those people may never be happy.

That is why 'having it all' means different things to different people. I would say I have it all. I'm happy. I'm not rich, I'm not young, I'm not the ideal weight, I'm not a lot of things. But I am happy.

attheendoftheday · 24/02/2013 12:41

I feel I have it all. Dp and I both work full time and like our jobs, we work shifts around each other to juggle childcare, and dmil helps out with childcare twice a week. I think we're very lucky to be able to both pursue our careers and have 3 full days at home a week too (we both do full time hours over 4 days).

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