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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dread my son's 16th next month...

53 replies

Rhinosaurus · 24/02/2013 11:12

Because he wants to get a moped. He has saved up for the last two years from his holiday job so no excuse of money.

I am so worried about the thought of him having an accident, I can hardly sleep at night. I even had a dream the other night that he had come off and was lying in the road and a car ran over him.

I know this is making me sound a bit unhinged, I talk to my partner about it, and he just says "he'll be fine".

The worse thing is I had a moped when I was 16 so when I say anything, I feel like a hypocrite!

We live in a rural area and it will be great for him to have some independence, and will save me having to give him lifts everywhere, but I still wish he would give the moped a miss and wait until he is old enough to learn to drive Sad

OP posts:
MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 24/02/2013 11:15

Well, you can still say 'No' although I think leaving it until the month before his birthday to do that is a bit mean.

How sensible is he?

How bad are the roads near you?

Would he 'do as he was told' with regard to being home on time, not riding on icy mornings or whatever it is you are particularly worried about?

JaneFonda · 24/02/2013 11:16

Could you try to compromise with him?

No moped, but you'll pay for a car/lessons or something when he's old enough?

I had a moped when I was younger, but I was very aware of how vulnerable I was on the road and didn't like it very much.

I think you should have a chat with him, and explain your concerns - not in a "oh I'm so worried" sort of way, just about the potential dangers etc.

thebody · 24/02/2013 11:19

I completely understand. If you are unhinged then so am I.

Skullnbones · 24/02/2013 11:19

I agree with above. How about you say to him that if he saves the money to put towards a car you would match it in a years time? But if he is anything like me at 16 a year is a long time and I wanted what I wanted until I got it. And he has worked to save for it. It is a tricky one and I would be worried sick if it was my DS too. Does he not need to pass a basic test anyway?

Original poster
Rhinosaurus · 24/02/2013 11:20

I don't want to say no, as he has talked about this for two years, whenever I have put up arguments he gets really upset and says its all he wants. Also my partners oldest son is now 19 and he had one, somitmfeels too mean to not let him, specially as he has saved up, and it is my own insecurities.

The roads are ok, we have one very busy dual carriageway which can be avoided by using back roads. He would be quite sensible, he is not a risk taker so I think he would be wary of ice, potholes etc.

I am more worried about car drivers who are unaware of bikes and pull out in front of them, cut them up etc. specially a slow restricted 50cc bike.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rhinosaurus · 24/02/2013 11:22

He will do a CBT test before he can go n the road, it is mandatory now.

I have his savings bond which has all the money he has every been given from birth inc sporadic maintenance from his dad, totalling £5knish, this is for driving lessons, a car and insurance. I told him he could not have this money for a bike, it is for a car, so he has saved up £1000 from two years of kitchen portering at our local pub.

OP posts:
LadyBeagleEyes · 24/02/2013 11:23

Yes you are unhinged, but then I must be too Grin
My ex wanted to teach ds to ride a motorbike when he turned 16, but I managed to persuade him to save the money for driving lessons which he started last year.
I know it's ridiculous and utterly unreasonable, but we can't help how we feel I suppose.

Original poster
Rhinosaurus · 24/02/2013 11:26

The sensible talk is a good idea, I do remember when I had a bike, it does feel great to have independence, I didn't give a thought to my poor mum!

OP posts:
merlottits · 24/02/2013 11:28

I have a DS who turns 16 next month and is convinced he is going to get a moped. The only blessing from my perspective is that I have told him since he was old enough to understand NO MOTORBIKES!

I don't care how much he whinges and sulks, I've known and seen too many people lose children on motorbikes.

It's hard though so you have my sympathy.

RivalSibling · 24/02/2013 11:28

You could make sure he has lessons and proper kit?

I would feel the same, and I also had a moped when I was young.

Keepcalmandpassthewine · 24/02/2013 11:40

My DD(16) has a moped, I know she's sensible on it, won't ride it if its icy and wears all the gear. She also lets us know when she's arrived at her destination, she loves the freedom it gives her . I have to say I was more worried when she was riding her push bicycle to college, as at least she has more protection now.

5Foot5 · 24/02/2013 11:40

I completely understand how you feel. I would be the same. But under the circumstances I don't see how you can say no.

However, I think a boy that age who can save that much in two years from his own efforts sounds a thoroughly sensible and responsible young man.

Dawndonna · 24/02/2013 11:41

Mine did it. It was the only way he could get to the sixth form of his choice. It gave him really good road experience for his car test. He's 28 now and one of the best drivers I know. I always say he rebelled by being sensible, sounds as though yours is similar.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 24/02/2013 11:45

I completely understand. I would be beside myself.

Surely at 14/15/16 he should be concentrating on his studies and not working in a pub though?

herladyship · 24/02/2013 11:47

YANBU to worry, it's what mums do!

DS is 18, he has joined the fire service, he has his own car, can go out drinking in town & is even booking a 'lads holiday' in the summer Shock

I'm a nervous wreck, DH just keeps telling me "don't worry he'll be fine"

do as I say not as I do try not to worry Smile

Bogeyface · 24/02/2013 11:52

Surely at 14/15/16 he should be concentrating on his studies and not working in a pub though?

Or alternatively learning that if you want something you have to work for it, which is clearly a lesson he has learned very well and will stand him in good stead for his future life.

Would you be saying the same if he was at Uni? I really hate this "oh dont let the little darlings work, make them concentrate on their studies!" and then tear your hair out when they finally leave education up to their knackers in debt because they dont understand that nothing comes for free Hmm

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 24/02/2013 11:56

Bogey - I worked during Uni holidays but not term time. I hope to be able to allow my kids to do the same. I have a good degree from an RG, no debt on leaving Uni.

I don't agree with children working while they are still at school.

Bogeyface · 24/02/2013 11:58

I dont agree with children not having learned some important lessons while they are young enough to do so, rather than them leaving school or education with no real idea of how money works. THis young man is far less likely to end up in debt when he is older than a child who has not learned to work and pay for what they want.

Original poster
Rhinosaurus · 24/02/2013 11:59

I think that working a Sunday lunch and Friday evening every week is not affecting his studies. He would work more in the holidays as we live in a touristy area so considerably busier in the summer.

We had encouraged him to go up to the pub and ask the landlord for a job, and made sure he knew he had to be punctual and reliable as if you don't turn up it makes your workmates suffer etc. the pub paid his wages directly into his bank account which has a debit card, he opened a linked savings account and transferred most of his money, but enjoyed having his own money to take out of the cashpoint, using his debit card in shops etc.

He has just got on the college course he wants, and has stated he will be using the free bus pass that comes with it "to save spending too much on petrol for his 'ped".

I don't think working has done him any harm except has taken away the option of me saying we can't afford to buy a moped.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 24/02/2013 11:59

And does "working" include paper rounds, saturday jobs etc? Where does their spending money come from? Bank of Mum and Dad?

Lottikins · 24/02/2013 11:59

'they finally leave education up to their knackers in debt because they dont understand that nothing comes for free hmm '

yes but with the means to get a decent job.sorry but throwing over your A levels which could get you onto a good degree at a well respected university is much more important than earning a pittance washing glasses or stacking shelves.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 24/02/2013 12:01

You can still teach children about how money works without them having to go out and earn it.

Bogeyface · 24/02/2013 12:03

Any kid that would "throw over" their A Levels by working 2 short shifts a week (at the weekend) washing pots shouldnt be doing A Levels in the first place and certainly wouldnt manage a degree course. What about working during the degree study? Many students have to do that just to pay the rent.

Original poster
Rhinosaurus · 24/02/2013 12:05

Actually I like this working/not working whilst at school discussion, it takes my mind off the moped!

I worked whilst I was at school, chambermaiding and on an ice cream van! I was never academic at school and couldn't wait to leave and get the first job I could which would pay me cash!

Now at 40 I have two degrees, one a first class honours, and no debt from doing them. Not everyone is predisposed to learning in their teens.

OP posts:
OneHandFlapping · 24/02/2013 12:11

Good A levels and a weekend job are not mutually exclusive.

After a few weeks waitering work, DS1, then 17, said "I didn't realise how hard you have to work to earn so little." Well he knows now. And it's killed any thought he might have had of dossing around in low paid jobs as an adult.