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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Say something to DH or keep out of it (family wedding related)

27 replies

Kat101 · 24/02/2013 10:28

DH has 2 brothers who he gets on well with and is fond of. The two brothers are probably closer to each other than DH is to either of them, simply because they live close and we are the other end of the country.

When DH and I got married many years ago, brother A was best man and brother b was an usher. Brother b is now getting married. His best friend is his best man, and brother a is an usher. My DH has been excluded completely - the official reason is so he can help me with our young children on the day, though I imagine the fact that the bride doesn't like boy children (despite agreeing to be godmother) and is not particularly keen on us either.

The problem is that I only found out that DH is completely excluded through vague conversations when we last visited. He doesn't realise, as none of his family will tell him (they are the least communicative people i have ever met). They are likely to all avoid the subject, and the first DH will know is when we get to the church and he is the only one of the close family who is a regular guest, and not part of the wedding.

I have no problem with who they have/don't have for any part of their wedding. But I would prefer if they tactfully mentioned it to DH first. I am dreading seeing his hurt face when he sees them all as part of the wedding party and we are outsiders. Should I mention it to him, or keep well out of it?

Just to add, i am not bothered about being included and it suits me down to the ground not to have the workload associated with it. But I don't think DH will see it like this.

OP posts:

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 24/02/2013 10:31

That's a shame for DH :( It's horrible to be left out like that - even as an adult.

I'm a bit confused though - surely he will know he's not part of the bridal party if he hasn't been asked to be the best man or an usher or whatever? The jobs aren't handed out on the day?!

Shellington · 24/02/2013 10:31

Talk about what you'll be wearing - turn conversation to suits etc and how it is nice that he doesn't have to get trussed up?

CaptainSweatPants · 24/02/2013 10:34

He must already know

Pagwatch · 24/02/2013 10:38

If he doesn't know then you must tell him.

Otherwise everyone else - including you- have left him out of the loop. Again.

I would tell DH. I would want to know that he was ok and I wouldn't want him walking into a situation that might upset him without any warning.
Tbh I don't understand why you wouldn't.

Original poster

Kat101 · 24/02/2013 10:40

Nope! They've all kept it quiet, shrugged when the subject has come up and said not sure, and otherwise avoided mentioning the subject (not that we see them very often).

I said to MIL when we were alone "oh I wondered if brother a was an usher, as I heard them talking about suit hire" MIL said "oh I don't know, I'm not sure, oh well, maybe he is or something" in a very "yes he is but we're too embarrassed to tell DH as we don't get a say" sort of way.

OP posts:

CobOnTheCorn · 24/02/2013 10:41

I would tell him. I agree with Pag that you are also not communicating if you don't mention it beforehand.

HollyBerryBush · 24/02/2013 10:42

Are you sure you have hold of the right end of the stick? If they are uncommunicative and the conversations were vague in your earshot - have you misinterpreted the situation?

Also it may depend upon the size of the wedding. Some people love giving others official titles, others just get on with the business of getting married without a brouhaha

SpicyPear · 24/02/2013 11:06

I would tell him. It's much better that he gets a chance to get used to the idea and maybe get his feelings about it off his chest (to you) before the day.

FlowerTruck · 24/02/2013 11:38

If he hasn't been asked, then he must know.

Original poster

Kat101 · 24/02/2013 11:48

He thinks noone's been asked and there are probably no ushers (informal-ish wedding)

OP posts:

pashapasta · 24/02/2013 11:55

Will he be bothered about being excluded? I wasn't in my brother's wedding party - made no difference to me! Maybe it really isn't a big deal to anyone?

pashapasta · 24/02/2013 11:55

Will he be bothered about being excluded? I wasn't in my brother's wedding party - made no difference to me! Maybe it really isn't a big deal to anyone?

Pagwatch · 24/02/2013 11:55

So then tell him.
I really,genuinely don't understand why you wouldn't.

diddl · 24/02/2013 11:58

But in your first sentence you say that the other brothers are closer-so why will he be surprised?

He chose who he wanted & now his brother has done the same.

Although we did have two ushers!

DIYapprentice · 24/02/2013 12:09

But you can't have everyone in your family involved! Tell your DH if you think he would be upset if he found out on the day, but he will need to get over it. Sometimes you are closer to some members of the family than others - it's just the way it is. Clearly he's not close enough to get on the phone and ring his DB and ask him about the wedding plans.

JenaiMorris · 24/02/2013 12:16

Looks to me like you're engineering a falling out.

You are stirring. Why? Are you envious?

Have a think about your motives here, not theirs.

Buddhastic · 24/02/2013 12:24

I don't think OP is stirring. I think she's concerned her DH is going to be very hurt and is trying to work out the best way to handle the information she's found out.

pashapasta · 24/02/2013 12:28

You do seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill. Just ask him if he knows that x is an usher.

pashapasta · 24/02/2013 12:28

You do seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill. Just ask him if he knows that x is an usher.

LatteLady · 24/02/2013 12:34

Why don't you ring up your brother-in-law and ask him directly? Tell him you need to know if your DH needs to hire a suit, if he says no, then say, "Right, I'll call X over so you can tell him now." I think that will end confusion.

piedpiper4 · 24/02/2013 13:02

This happened to me when my brother got married a few years back. I felt like I'd been slapped in the face tbh. Everyone else in the family was involved, except me. Like your situation, I realised with hindsight that everyone knew except me - that hurt just as much as well.

I would have preferred knowing beforehand, just because I felt so upset on the day it really took the shine off for me. I still would have been upset I know, but I would have been prepared and not shocked when I had no way of dealing with the situation.

Original poster

Kat101 · 24/02/2013 15:29

I suppose I am a bit disappointed that I'll have to do BIL's dirty work for him. If he could just say "oh, DH, hope its ok with you that brother a is in the wedding party, we guessed that having young kids you'd prefer to be hands on with them". I'm sure that DH would be a bit sad but he'd accept it very graciously and it'd be fine. Much better than walking into the church to see his whole family/wedding party there to greet him as a guest.

I don't want to stir anything, thats why I considered just staying out of the whole thing.

OP posts:

DeWe · 24/02/2013 16:49

But I would tend to assume that if someone has got a young family then they'd rather be there to look after them, than doing wedding duties.

Maybe they're planning on asking him to do a reading or something.

Hissy · 24/02/2013 18:19

Argh! what a horrible place to be in OP.

I can see why you want to give him a heads up, but it could cause ructions tbh and that is the last thing you need it to do.

Is there anyway he'd ever ask what and if they needed him do do anything directly?

Can you not take the stance of having suspicions, but not believing it until you saw it, so when and if this kicks off, you can honestly tell your H that you never in a million years thought he'd be left out, so dismissed the very idea out of hand. Then just let HIM talk, hear him out and listen to him.

I think you have to let this happen, and just be there for him. I can't see anything else constructive to do here.

By the sounds of it, he's not the favoured son and if this wedding shows him this, it may propel him to look at the dynamic he has and start a journey that will ultimately strengthen him.

HecateWhoopass · 24/02/2013 18:26

He's your husband. He's your family.

Tell him. It's far better he knows now than it's a surprise on the day. And he finds out you knew and didn't say anything?

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