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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take the MIL comments to heart

50 replies

KnittedCharacter · 23/02/2013 20:51

My dp is the blue eyed boy as far as his mum is concerned. She has wrapped him up in cotton wool all his life and I always get the feeling I am never good enough for him.

We have a ds together and I find she comments on things in a way which I get upset by. These things sound trivial when repeating to someone else so it may sound quite pathetic. But it is the way in which she says these things to me. She is very sly and comments in a way only another woman would pick up on. Needless to say my dp has not noticed or even heard her sometimes.

If I want to stop my ds falling asleep for a nap at 6pm as his bedtime his 730 pm she calls me "mean mummy". If he is grizzling in his cot from waking up from a nap and i say to leave him for a minute or so and not rush to go pick him up as he will probably fall back asleep again she again calls me "mean mummy".

She comments that his socks are too tight and made a snide comment last week saying "i thought it was summertime when i walked in" a sarcastic comment because he just had his bodysuit vest on. He wasnt whinging. He prefers being cooler rather than warmer (he is 6 months old). She then went on to say she didnt want to touch him as her handa were cold from coming from outside but that my ds hands were cold and so was his legs. She gavw me a distasteful look when i took him out of his bumbo seat as i wanted to do it on my own seeing as i will have to get used to taking him out of it when i am on my own during the day. Anyway his legs in it were a tight ish fit so had to pull him out of it but is made of foam so wouldnt have hurt him but i got a really judgemental look from her like i was a rubbish mum and that i didnt care if i hurt him.

I feel so angry and hurt by her comments and dread her weekly visits. Has anyone else suffered the wrath of the dreaded mil and any advice what to say to her....

OP posts:
MyDarlingClementine · 23/02/2013 20:53

" Has anyone else suffered the wrath of the dreaded mil and any advice what to say to her.... "

Here on MN - no matey....we love our mils here. Grin

Squeakygate · 23/02/2013 20:55

Just ignore her. Easier said than done I know.
Smile and pretend ou can't hear her.

ExBrightonBell · 23/02/2013 21:12

I presume that you don't particularly like your MIL? If so, do you care what she thinks about your parenting? I wouldn't care what she thought about it, especially if she had spoilt her own son which is not the greatest parenting style!

I know it's hard to do but could you make a joke of what she says? This acknowledges that you have heard her little snide remarks, but also demonstrates that they have had no effect? So for example, if she says "mean mummy" again, you could reply in an obviously joking way "I know! Poor ds - what a dreadful mummy you have! What a terrible thing to do to you, how will you ever survive being kept awake for an hour!" And so on. She sounds like a bully, and the best way of taking the wind out of a bully's sails is to demonstrate that you are not affected by them. She'll soon get bored of her silly comments if you can manage to show her they are like water off a duck's back.

LilQueenie · 23/02/2013 21:20

if she gives you another mean look call her on it. "What was the look for?" she has to answer then.

YouTheCat · 23/02/2013 21:23

If she says 'mean mummy' to your baby. Say 'rude grandma' to him. That'll shut the old dragon up. Grin

ExBrightonBell · 23/02/2013 21:25

Oh and definitely ignore the judgey looks!

Remember that every time she gives you a funny look it's evidence of her stupidity, not anything that you're doing wrong.

MaryBS · 23/02/2013 21:29

LOVE the rude grandma comment! Use it PLEASE and then come back and tell us??? :o

NopeStillNothing · 23/02/2013 21:29

It depends really. Like you say, it's all about how these things are said. Personally the only comment I would have been a bit Hmm about is the snidy "Oh is it Summertime" That would have got a rise out of me.

Usually with MiLs it's best to ask yourself " Would it have annoyed me as much if these comments were made by my own Mother?" That usually helps put things in perspective. My own DM is forever telling me I'm a "mean Mummy" but that's because yes compared to chocolate making, toy giving, stay up as late as you want promising Grannie, I am indeed a fucking tyrant Grin

pluCaChange · 23/02/2013 21:37

DH and I had to make a point of this with his parents, when they well, she went through a bit of a judgemental stage. A few "Oh, we can't be trusted with them, is that it?" jokes between DH and me, in front of them, sorted it. It's a bit of a shame that we had to metaphorically mark our DC as our territory, but it's also a shame to undermine parents (and I'm sorry to say I find MIL ridiculously overindulgent - hand-feeding a 3yo - not even always using a fork/spoon, just shoving food in his mouth), so particularly resented the idea that we were so incompetent! Angry

The trust "joke" is both lighthearted and firm, so the other side can back down without losing face.

(although I do really like the "rude grandma" retort! Grin)

Miggsie · 23/02/2013 21:41

DH is a bit direct and when my mum was making comments like this (not about DD but how we lived in our house) he said "this is how we live, this is how we are, if you don't like it you don't have to visit. Please keep your disparaging remarks to yourself."

Worked a treat.

CharlandOscar · 23/02/2013 21:47

YRNBU
Im really touchy about what people say to me since having my ds. im more sensative about what my inlaws say to my (3 month old) ds i.e "look, theres the milk machine, theres the devil" whats that all about?
and "oh they pinch you?and hit you?" seriously some people are odd.

my mum said "mean mummy" as he didnt have socks on but i didnt feel prickly about her comment.

Original poster
KnittedCharacter · 23/02/2013 22:00

I do like the idea of saying " oh my poor ds what a terrible mummy you have to keep u awake another hr" plus liking the "rude grandma" comment to.

I wouldnt mind but she hasnt got a clue how to look after him herself. Last week she and the fil looked after my ds and he slept at their house. He came back absolutely shattered (he had only been allowed a 20 min nap) whereas he normally has about 2 hrs over the course of the day. Plus he was starving. She hadnt managed to feed him his pureed cauliflower cheese. He didnt want it! Thought this was odd as he loves everything we have given him so far and has tried this before with no problem. As it turns out she had tried to feed it to him cold. Well its all rubbery when cold so I am not surprised my ds wouldnt eat it. Would they want to eat their tea cold? I mean FFS i gave her instructions on what he was to eat at feed times as he is weaning but i didnt want to insult her intelligence by telling her to warm it up. After all she has raised two sons so thought she would know the basics. So as you can all imagine my poor ds was also grizzly as hell after coming back from theirs. I felt so sorry for him.

They have since asked to have him overnight again as they really enjoyed themselves looking after him. I am thinking "yeah right.How about never" pisses me off cause as long as they enjoyed themselves having him it doesnt matter about the state my baby was in when he came home!! Oh and a little pathetic smugness from me - they also put his jumper on back to front!! The clue is in the label! Their excuse was "well we have never seen him in a jumper as he normally wears shirts" !!!?!!!

OP posts:
ExBrightonBell · 23/02/2013 22:20

Tbh I wouldn't let them have him overnight for a good long while! Not until your MIL has wound her neck in and started being pleasant to you.

I wouldn't make a big deal of it but just keep putting them off as it's inconvenient or whatever sounds plausible.

hillyhilly · 23/02/2013 22:38

Is it only me that thinks you sound extremely touchy and that they/ she probably couldn't say anything without you taking it the wrong way?
I don't mean to sound harsh but these examples seem so trivial

MammaTJ · 23/02/2013 22:43

What YouTheCat says sound reasonable. She is pointing out that you are 'mean' in her opinion, she is clearly rude in yours. Prefectly normal then!!

ExBrightonBell · 23/02/2013 22:46

Hilly, I think a lot probably depends on the tone of how these things are said, which we can't know.

Either way, the OP needs helpful strategies to deal with it, whether she's being over sensitive or not. Ways that she can put across her discomfort at what is being said, without coming across as aggressive or rude herself, don't you think?

LilQueenie · 23/02/2013 22:47

My mum says stuff like this and its kind of normal and not taken badly in my family. However when mil says similar I take a dislike to it. The reason being is to them its NOT ok in their own eyes. PIL are a lot older and more 'victorian' than my own parents. They have different views iyswim. So its not exactly a dislike of the mil.

FrameyMcFrame · 23/02/2013 22:58

Sorry but I also think you sound incredibly picky. I'm starting to feel sorry for the mil

Original poster
KnittedCharacter · 24/02/2013 06:35

I admit that i am a sensitive person. My mum and sister are too which isnt great as we do get upset easily.

I vent to my mum about her comments and i said to my mum that even if she had said these things to me i would still be annoyed but at least i would be able to say something back to my mum. My mum said she wouldnt say anything like that to me anyway as she thinks i am a brilliant mummy (biased i know). My mum would do it in a joky way. possibly because i am quite sensitive.

As i said in my op the mil is sly how she says these things. I admit they do sound trivial when repeating to others but its the tone in which she says it. Its like she has got her point across and made her dig and is happy that she has put me down in the process. She does it in front of her ds (my dp) and the fil. I do feel like she is competing with me sometimes. Like i say i have never felt good enough for her son. I am 8 yrs older than my dp and am divorced so feel this may have something to do with it. Whether its me being over sensitive or not though she does upset me. I feel anger towards her and i dont want it to affect my relationship with my dp. I do have low self esteem and confidence issues so it doesnt take much for me to believe that i am a rubbish mummy by her comments. I just want whats best for my ds.

OP posts:
Original poster
KnittedCharacter · 24/02/2013 06:36

Framey - can i ask why you feel sorry for the mil. I have only given you a snippet of what she is like.

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 24/02/2013 07:21

I can't say I would get 'sensitive' about anything you've mentioned, but then I've the hide of a rhino.

Some people look for insults where none are due.

rolls eyes< point scoring over a jumper being on back to front.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 24/02/2013 07:30

It does all sound a bit trivial to be honest.

In reality, how often is she going to be there when you are keeping your child awake to be able to comment on it? How many times has she commented on it?

I would simply get on with looking after your son how you want to, and don't even look her way when picking him out of his bumbo and then you won't know what looks she is giving.

Its pretty easy to find problems with someone you don't like.

As for having your child overnight again, only do this if you really want them to have him, on your terms, and send instructions about sleep times/meals. I have three children but if I had a baby for an afternoon, I would need to know how long to allow for sleep and what to feed them, as you do forget these things, and all children are different re sleep.

You sound like a lovely mummy, so worry not x

exoticfruits · 24/02/2013 07:40

I would just use it- e.g. When she calls you a mean mummy- tickle DS and say ' yes what a mean mummy you have' - in a friendly, sing
song way - 'a mean, mean, mummy'!
Apart from that smile and nod a lot- say 'really' in a friendly tone and change the subject - don't get drawn in. You don't have to explain or justify.

gimmecakeandcandy · 24/02/2013 07:47

Bollocks to feeling sorry for her!
Agree with the 'rude grandma' bite back - silly old dragon needs pulling down a peg or two! And no way would I let my six month old be away from me at all overnight.

Start having some confidence in your abilities. Retort at silly comments from her and say no to overnight. You don't need to explain yourself.

exoticfruits · 24/02/2013 08:05

I missed the overnight suggestion. Just say mildly 'something to think about when he is older'.
Don't get into arguments. People don't realise the power of 'smile and nod' - it means that you can remain friendly while ignoring completely. There is no answer to smile and nod.