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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take the MIL comments to heart

50 replies

KnittedCharacter · 23/02/2013 20:51

My dp is the blue eyed boy as far as his mum is concerned. She has wrapped him up in cotton wool all his life and I always get the feeling I am never good enough for him.

We have a ds together and I find she comments on things in a way which I get upset by. These things sound trivial when repeating to someone else so it may sound quite pathetic. But it is the way in which she says these things to me. She is very sly and comments in a way only another woman would pick up on. Needless to say my dp has not noticed or even heard her sometimes.

If I want to stop my ds falling asleep for a nap at 6pm as his bedtime his 730 pm she calls me "mean mummy". If he is grizzling in his cot from waking up from a nap and i say to leave him for a minute or so and not rush to go pick him up as he will probably fall back asleep again she again calls me "mean mummy".

She comments that his socks are too tight and made a snide comment last week saying "i thought it was summertime when i walked in" a sarcastic comment because he just had his bodysuit vest on. He wasnt whinging. He prefers being cooler rather than warmer (he is 6 months old). She then went on to say she didnt want to touch him as her handa were cold from coming from outside but that my ds hands were cold and so was his legs. She gavw me a distasteful look when i took him out of his bumbo seat as i wanted to do it on my own seeing as i will have to get used to taking him out of it when i am on my own during the day. Anyway his legs in it were a tight ish fit so had to pull him out of it but is made of foam so wouldnt have hurt him but i got a really judgemental look from her like i was a rubbish mum and that i didnt care if i hurt him.

I feel so angry and hurt by her comments and dread her weekly visits. Has anyone else suffered the wrath of the dreaded mil and any advice what to say to her....

OP posts:

diddl · 24/02/2013 09:25

Well it sounds to me as if she is concerned tbh.

Perhaps overly so-but thinking that he has tight socks, is underdressed...

And i loathe bumbos, so if it´s usually a two man job to get him out...

MaryBS · 24/02/2013 09:31

No, you need to stop the "mean mummy" comments before any child is old enough to repeat it! I had this with my MIL, you end up with kids saying "why does nanny say you are mean, mummy?"

Original poster

KnittedCharacter · 24/02/2013 10:58

jumperoos can also be a two man operation getting them in. but when on ur own all day with lo you learn the knack to get them in and out of these things safely. its what bein a mum is all about.

she is just very over protective and if she could she would wrap him in cotton wool and bubble wrap like she did with my dp.

we wanted to buy ds a tummy time activity mat which spun. From tesco suitable from birth. Anyway he would have been using it from four months old. it looked fun. but we decided against it as at that particular time he hated being on his tummy so we didnt want to waste money. When she found out we werent gettin it anymore she said "oh thank goodness for that. I was worried he might fall off it". Now to me i took that quite personally like she thought we were irresponsible for even wanting to buy that our ds with there being in her eyes a risk of him hurting himself!!

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DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 24/02/2013 11:19

Both my mother and MIL have branded me "mean mummy" in the past. Yes it pisses me off. Usually because I've said "no more ice cream!" or that its now bedtime. I handled it 2 different ways. I told my mother to stop calling me that as I didnt like it. She tantrummed a little but did stop. Job done.

I knew the direct approach wouldnt work on DP's mother so I simply started calling her "Silly Grandma" right back. As in, "Silly Grandma is talking cobblers again!" in a sing song voice. She eventually got the message.

2rebecca · 24/02/2013 11:47

"Is grumpy granny criticising mummy again?" every time the "mean mummy" card is played should do it.

diddl · 24/02/2013 11:51

Oh just to say some of the things do sound laughable & she certainly shouldn´t be calling you "mean mummy"-but hopefully it´s (over) concern rather than spite.

Fall off an activity mat-snurk!

Mind you apparentely as a baby I rolled over on a fleece rug & had a nosebleed

Has she sought help for her anxiety??

willowstar · 24/02/2013 12:08

My mil says this kind of thing too and in the early days it really bothered me. It doesn't now for some reason. The difference is though that she has never babysat for us (never offered and since I don't like her very much we have never asked) so I don't feel she has anything on me if that makes sense. I would keep your little boyto yourself for a while and gently assert your authority, don't leave him there if you aren't comfortable.

willowstar · 24/02/2013 12:10

And to add my mum says this kind of thing 'are they being mean to you again?' because not letting baby play with keyboard or whatever. It does annoy me just as much as if mil said it!

Theshriekingharpy · 24/02/2013 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

13Iggis · 24/02/2013 12:37

I don't get why you let her have him overnight. And if someone does mind your baby for you (and you presumably enjoyed the time off) to complain about jumper is a bit petty. And my ds eats jar-type food cold if we're out, it's not automatic to heat it!
Comments like the "I thought it was summer" would really piss me off though.

Original poster

KnittedCharacter · 24/02/2013 13:17

I am starting to feel bad now that my ds has been babysat overnight...

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Original poster

KnittedCharacter · 24/02/2013 13:27

just to point out tho i didnt complain about the jumper it was said as a joke by my dp

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Original poster

KnittedCharacter · 24/02/2013 13:32

The in laws werent out when they were feeding him. And if he refused to eat it cold then wouldnt you question yourself why he wouldnt eat his food which they know we have absolutely no problem feeding him otherwise. They didnt even think about heating it up as a reason he wouldnt eat it. The jar even gives instructions what to do when heating. I gave them a jar for ease for them rather than some frozen homemade food.

I find it all the more insulting when she picks on my parenting when she clearly isnt the best mum herself!

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ChristmasJubilee · 24/02/2013 13:43

She can't have made too bad a job with her ds if you want to be with him. I think it's all a bit petty. I have never heated up a jar for any of my three and wouldn't necessarily have thought of doing so. If he likes it heated you should have told her. Jumper back to front, not keen on a play mat that you didn't actually buy, worried about tight socks, mmmm sounds like you just don't like her.

Yfronts · 24/02/2013 13:50

just laugh and say 'yes what a poor deprived child DS is'

Ionasky · 24/02/2013 13:51

I don't think you are over sensitive, but I do think you should relax a bit, it doesn't matter if you let them babysit, or not, either way you aren't stopping them seeing DS. Maybe your DH needs to back you a bit more obviously so she knows she has to act more supportive towards you, he could even take his mum aside and explain it to her. Even though she'll probably act like she doesn't understand, she'll get the message. Re the food stuff, lots of grandparents are a bit out of touch, it probably won't happen again.

Original poster

KnittedCharacter · 24/02/2013 14:06

My dp is a wonderful man yes she did a good job raising him. Even though he is still attached to her apron strings. Her over protectiveness has made him a bit wussy tbh. I would be the first to tell him to man up sometimes.

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FrameyMcFrame · 24/02/2013 15:13

Give her a break. She loves your DS and your DH.
You could probably get along with her

Just ignore the spiteful comments. Be friendly.

IneedAsockamnesty · 24/02/2013 15:25

Why are you discussing possible purchases with her? Its none of her business.

Don't give her the power over you. Next time she does something like that directly ask her why and say its rude.

poppywillows · 24/02/2013 15:42

I could've written this myself! I know exactly what you mean and they're such quick snidey comments you almost can't take it in quick enough to reply. I'm such a wimp I laugh along and inside I get more and more annoyed. Lately though I've toughened up and will 'jokingly' put on a surprised face and say "no I'm not!" (To mean mummy for eg)
You must acknowledge the comments I some way otherwise it will grind you down. Good luck!

fluffyraggies · 24/02/2013 15:51

Sometimes a comment may seem trivial when re-told out of context.

However when you have had that comment aimed at you at a particular moment it can be hurtful and speak volumes about what's being thought on the quiet. So i feel for you OP. YANBU.

When DD1 was about 12 months old my (ex)FIL made a 'joke' to (ex)MIL within my hearing - 'OMG, fluffy's DD is not going to actually be allowed up later than 5 past 7 tonight is she? snigger snigger'.

I caught MIL looking at him as if to say 'shhh, she'll hear you' and it confirmed what i already suspected - that they thought my child care routine was OTT.

This comment hurt me at the time, not least because i was really struggling with my confidence in my abilities as a first time mum. I've not forgotten it (nor any of the other shitty things they did in future years).

As years passed it was proved that they basically thought i was an awful snob. Mainly for things like wanting my kids to grow up knowing how to sit at a table and eat a meal. Unlike their cousins. I am not a snob they were chavy

Anyway OP - speak up for yourself when your MIL makes these 'little remarks', don't let her walk over you, and don't let it get you down. Definately do the 'mean granny' one. Good luck.

Flobbadobs · 24/02/2013 16:26

Try starting any comment about keeping baby awake for a while longer with "yes, mean mummy is going to keep you awake till bedtime now, who's a mean mummy?" , thats my usual trick when I look like I'm doing something the baby doesn't like! It usually raises a bit of a laugh, especially with my MIL, might he worth a try?

Original poster

KnittedCharacter · 24/02/2013 16:36

sock - i was flicking through a tesco christmas catalogue whilst they were at our house for christmas ideas for people thats why she knew about the mat

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Original poster

KnittedCharacter · 24/02/2013 16:39

poppy - you hit the nail on the head there. They are trivial but she catches me by surprise and i dont know how to answer. I dont want to be rude back but by the time i have thought of a suitable answer the moment has passed. then i am sat there seething thinking about it

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Original poster

KnittedCharacter · 24/02/2013 16:57

fluffy - that comment would have annoyed me also. I hope i am not going to be a cow bag of a mil when my ds gets wed!!

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