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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be feeling like this still?

64 replies

janflan · 23/02/2013 18:24

I split up with ex about six months ago.

Due to the nature of the split he's not allowed unsupervised access to our Son. This means i have to be around when he sees Ds.

I haven't been out without Ds since the split unless he's in school.

Ex has a new girlfriend and is out partying all the time, having the time of his life.

I'm stuck in night after night after night alone. I liked it at first, I've always been happy with my own company. Now i hate it and am so lonely. I have no one to baby sit.

I've been really sad for the last week after seeing ex's new girlfriends car parked outside his house all weekend. This is so stupid because he was so horrible. I'm trying to think of all the bad times but they keep being replaced by the good.

I wish i could be feeling better about all this by now but it's knocked me for six.

I'm good at faking it till i make it so i doubt anyone is aware of how i feel.

OP posts:
HecateWhoopass · 23/02/2013 18:26

write down the bad times.

Make yourself a big long list of the crappiness.

read it when you forget why you don't want this man as your partner.

xxxx

hiddenhome · 23/02/2013 18:28

I'm sorry, but this is the reality of being a parent. Be glad that you have custody of your child and try to find stuff to do during the day when he's in school. You did the right thing by splitting up, now you must focus on other stuff.

Original poster
janflan · 23/02/2013 18:33

That's a good idea the list it will be very long!

I work in the day from home so don't have much time when he's in school.

I do appreciate him being with me and we do stuff in the day. It's just the nights.

OP posts:
SoleSource · 23/02/2013 18:39

start the list here

My ex was

Boring
Moaner
Bossy
Rude
Tight with money
Secretive
Liar
Cheat
Hurtful
Momy' boy

Now he does not see DS
Or pay maintenance

He beat me once

Original poster
janflan · 23/02/2013 19:00

He's abusive,
He thinks i shouldn't have phoned the police on him i should have helped him apparently,
He's racist and sexist,
Has a bad temper,
Is selfish in bed,
He puts his new girlfriend before his child,

OP posts:
HecateWhoopass · 23/02/2013 19:10

Sole and Jan - they are two shitty, shitty men and I am so glad for both of you that they aren't in your home any more!

Original poster
janflan · 23/02/2013 19:10

It's not so much wanting to be with him because i don't. I know full well what he's like.

It's more he's having the life of riley and i can't even begin to imagine how I'm going to be able to even date.

OP posts:
ElliesWellies · 23/02/2013 19:12

I expect in time your DS will appreciate just how much you've done for him, and will see his dad for the selfish man he is.

LadyBeagleEyes · 23/02/2013 19:19

But he isn't having the life of Riley is he?
If you had a choice of partying every night or having custody of your ds, surely it's a no brainer.
You're the lucky one here, I don't know how old you are but partying every night wears a bit thin after a while.

Original poster
janflan · 23/02/2013 19:30

He is though, he wouldn't want custody because then he'd have to stop his social life.

I don't want to go partying every night, not even every week but a night out with the girls once in a while wouldn't go a miss. Also having the opportunity to go on a date would be good.

I wouldn't want to swap places with him at all but it just doesn't seem fair that's all.

OP posts:
Original poster
janflan · 23/02/2013 19:33

Honestly I'm much happier watching tv in my pjs than going out and i always have been. This is why I'm finding it tough feeling like this. I'm happy alone usually.

OP posts:
LadyBeagleEyes · 23/02/2013 19:39

Have you got any friends that you could meet up with once a week?
Just meeting people outside the home for a coffee and a chat during the day?
Maybe you should get on MN local and see if there's people in your area and in your position .
You do sound lonely.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 23/02/2013 19:47

Jan, i've been a single mum for 4 years nearly, sometimes i get lonely, but i've got new interests now, i do open university, i write silly stories, i do what i like, when i like, me and my DD are a little unit, we like how we have things, start doing things for you, things to open your mind, get the brain going.

ImperialBlether · 23/02/2013 19:50

How old is your son, OP? I know exactly what you mean - it seems very, very unfair.

Original poster
janflan · 23/02/2013 19:57

I'm going to invite one of my friends over for coffee next week, see if that helps.

I'm really good at pretending everything is fine. I expect if i spoke to my friends they'd be shocked i'm feeling like this. I'm usually so strong and i hate feeling down or sad. It's not like me at all I'm the eternal optimist and take things on the chin.

My son is 7.

OP posts:
LadyBeagleEyes · 23/02/2013 20:36

Like Greg said.
There is life after a break up and it's usually a better one.
Because if it had been good, you wouldn't have broken up.
I separated when ds was 9, he'll be 18 this year and we are a very solid unit.
He does see his dad, they talk on the phone all the time and when we split, and TBH when we were married he thought the meaning of life was the pub and partying.
He probably has a better social life than me, but he always had a propensity to be 'popular', and wanted everybody to like him.
I, on the other hand am an anti social cow and though I have the opportunity to go out without having to worry about babysitters, I tend to choose not to.
You sound very similar to me in that you're content with your own company, but if you want more get yourself out there.
Where's there a will, there's a way.

racingheart · 23/02/2013 20:42

He's not having the time of his life at all. He's getting drunk and missing out on the biggest joy in life: access to your own children. You may not be having the easiest time but you do have the best deal. Imagine if the situation were reversed. You, out clubbing, new man, not allowed to see your DC. Want to swap?
If he's not allowed unsupervised access then you are soooo lucky to be rid of him. Life with him would be hell. If you're lonely, then you deserve a new person in your life, someone kind and appreciative and trustworthy, not an ex who is a danger to be around.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 23/02/2013 20:43

Jan your not alone, your really not. I have no advice because I am in a similar situation (all be it 2.5 hours away) but I do know how lonely and shitty it is, so I'd just like to send you a hug.
I don't want my ex back either, but there's still that shitty feeling in my stomach.
The only healer is time, so I started latch hooking as a hobby for when dd is in bed xx

MrsMushroom · 23/02/2013 20:44

He's getting pissed and shacking up temporarily. You are bringing up your child.

You got the best deal. You really did. He's an arse...you're a good parent.

I know which I would prefer.

Your life will get better...you will recover...his will spiral out of control.

BigAudioDynamite · 23/02/2013 20:44

im feeling really really sad recently, but for the opposite reason. My XH is not having a good time. Hes not OK at all, and I feel awful for him. I wish wish wish that he was happy and enjoying life Sad

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 23/02/2013 20:45

Oh and the last sentence of your post, that's me. I fake it in RL! Everyone thinks I'm fine, so I totally get it

maddening · 23/02/2013 20:48

What about inviting a friend round for dinner on friday night and then you can chat over wine and dvds.

Original poster
janflan · 23/02/2013 20:55

I don't want to swap i really don't. It just seems like he was the one in the wrong and now i feel like he's moving on and i can't.

I just drove past his house to pick up my eldest and her car was outside his house and all the downstairs lights were off.

Why does that hurt? After everything he's done i should be relieved but I'm just sad.

OP posts:
LadyBeagleEyes · 23/02/2013 21:06

I could have written your last post at the time jan, it took me over a year to accept that he'd moved on, for some people it takes way longer.
The way you're feeling is totally normal.
I didn't want him back but I didn't want him to be happy either.
All I can say and repeat over and over again, is give it time.
I promise you're going to learn to love your new life, as I said above, ds is 18 this year, and we have the best relationship ever.
We are so close, we laugh together all the time, he even likes my '70s music.
You have so got the better end of the deal.

ImperialBlether · 23/02/2013 21:10

Yes, she's by far got the better deal but that doesn't mean she doesn't yearn for a night out with her friends occasionally and maybe, just maybe the chance to spend some time with a nice bloke. It is unfair, really, really unfair that she should have to spend every night on her own because her ex is a twat and isn't allowed unsupervised access. He should really be paying for a babysitter, the bastard.