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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Arguments and the F-word

34 replies

BlingLoving · 23/02/2013 16:30

In a garden shop cafeteria today, dh took the tray to tidy it up afterwards as he did not realise there were staff for that. In the process, he bumped into the girl cleaning and dropped a cup. We have had this conversation about tidying up in places like this before because I feel if there set up isn't designed for customers to clean up, we shouldn't.

After it happened, and to me it clearly wasn't serious, I rather stupidly said, "see, that's why you shouldn't tidy up." I said it with a smile but dh didn't see that and clearly was actually feeling a bit embarrassed so reacted badly and basically told me to fuck off.

I don't like that kind of language and I don't think it's appropriate in a supposedly loving relationship. Since then of course, it's completely escalated as I told him I shouldn't have said that, but that I really don't like being sworn at and he has gone on and on about how he will always respond like that when I say things like this that piss him off. As far as he's concerned, I was telling him what to do in public which is not acceptable an that justifies any swearing he wants to do. Apparently he also "hates" me in these situations.

Aibu in saying I don't think his reaction is justified, no matter what? Or am I being a bit precious?

OP posts:
Acinonyx · 23/02/2013 16:33

You sound rather irritating and controlling. I'm not a fan of swearing but I can see myself in your dh's shoes. YABU.

Why can't you just agree not to be so patronising and then he won't swear at you - sorted.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/02/2013 16:34

YANBU. There's no excuse for being verbally abusive with anyone really. Least of all in a supposedly loving marriage. 'Hate' is also an odd thing to throw in. Sounds like there's some simmering resentment and insecurity on his part and you're the soft target....

FutTheShuckUp · 23/02/2013 16:34

No he is BU. Ive had a huge argument with DH today about similar- he always uses 'well you wound me up' as an excuse

SoleSource · 23/02/2013 16:36

Probably your reaction evoked issuesfrom hischildhood or you are smug with him about otber stuff or heis just a twat.

Depends how angry he felt. He is only human.

But yanbu it is wrong and hurtful, he needs to learn to tell you how he feels in a non offensive fashion.

FutTheShuckUp · 23/02/2013 16:36

Acinonyx- where do you draw the line in that case then- well you irritated me so I stabbed you.
Many many people in life will irritate/patronise you- could you imagine displaying such a knee jerk reaction to your boss if you felt patronised by them?

CailinDana · 23/02/2013 16:36

I would be extremely upset if my DH told me to "fuck off" in an aggressive manner. We might say it jokingly, but never with venom.

Your comment was unnecessary but his response was out of proportion. You were good enough to admit your mistake and it shows a lot of immaturity on your DH's part that he couldn't do the same. Saying he "hates" you is ridiculous - is he 15?

I'm not sure there's much you can do about this as he seems adamant that he's done nothing wrong. How is your relationship generally?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 23/02/2013 16:37

I would have said the same as you OP, its kind of human nature to point out something you have told someone not to do that has gotten them into trouble e.g.. clearing when not necessary.

I would not expect to be told to fuck off. I would be ok with being called a smart arse.

Original poster
BlingLoving · 23/02/2013 16:45

It's good really. He just hates being told what to do. I get that and yes, should totally have realised he would be feeling stressed by breaking the cup. But I find it very hard to get past the swearing and name calling. By now, I should accept that it's the way he is - he lashes out in situations where I push his buttons. But I don't do it on purpose and certainty don't mean to be patronising. But instead of me being able to simply apologise for the thoughtless comment, I find myself really angry and upset and it gets worse because he then thinks I am just trying to be right all the time.

I guess we both have issues. He doesn't like been told what to do and I don't like being spoken to in that way.

OP posts:
FutTheShuckUp · 23/02/2013 16:48

You sound like the classic browbeaten wife- he reacts a certain way when you 'push his buttons'
Does he react the same way if anyone else does? Or just little wifey?

Original poster
BlingLoving · 23/02/2013 16:50

Fut: I'm definitely not a brow beaten wife. Grin It's just this one thing where nose and agai. I do something that really pisses him off and he, IMO, over reacts.

OP posts:
countrykitten · 23/02/2013 16:54

God - you push his buttons and so he abuses you? Sounds like a nightmare. Rather you than me.

CailinDana · 23/02/2013 16:54

I think this sort of dynamic points to a lack of "friendliness" in the relationship for want of a better term. Your comment was a bit cat's bum mouth, a bit motherly and patronising, and his reaction was teenagerish. A more "friendly" interaction would have been either you slagging him off a gently and he batting it back to you, or you being sympathetic and he being a bit bashful. Lack of that friendly vibe usually means there's a trust issue or some underlying conflict - do you think that's the case?

Acinonyx · 23/02/2013 16:59

Fut - I don't advocate swearing but I can understand the reaction if this is kind of comment from the op is a regular annoying habit. It is pushing a button - and I have had moment in my life where someone pushes a button and you just flash with such intense annoyance that you can't think of a good way to really get the strength of your displeasure across.

Swearing is not so bad that it trumps all other wind-ups. It actually sounds more to me as though he might be brow-beaten. But I can't know that - it's just an impression.

Original poster
BlingLoving · 23/02/2013 17:00

Cailin: the thing is that I did mean it to be gentle teasing as I wasn't not stressed about it at all. My mistake was not realising that he would be feeling self conscious and stressed. I understand that because I would have felt the same in a similar situation I just didn't think it through in the moment.

Ultimately, I was insensitive to how he felt in the moment. But struggle to move past the language used subsequently by him. I do not blame him for being a bit upset and angry withi me. And I almost understand the fuck off comment in the heat of the moment. I just wish he would acknowledge that it's not cool, even if sometimes he can't help it.. I acknowledge that what I said to him was not cool but accept ill probably say similar things again. Doesn't make it acceptable.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlingLoving · 23/02/2013 17:02

Sorry. Now I sound like a teenager. Is cool man...! Smile

OP posts:
Wikileeks · 23/02/2013 17:02

I would not have pointed it out to my husband... I really hate anyone being reprimanded in public.It can be humiliating.I think I would have given you a verbal too.

Acinonyx · 23/02/2013 17:06

'I acknowledge that what I said to him was not cool but accept ill probably say similar things again. Doesn't make it acceptable.'

Ok and then he may well swear at you again. You will probably both have to live with it.

MixedClassBaby · 23/02/2013 17:06

Dh and I snap 'fuck off' at each other fairly regularly. Neither of us are brow beaten but we do both have short fuses and get on each other's tits at times. I don't think it has to indicate underlying issues or be the thin end of any wedge.

FutTheShuckUp · 23/02/2013 17:13

Thats fine if you dont mind speaking to each other like crap. I only hope if there are kids involved they dont get to see/hear this level of aggression

Olgathebrickshed · 23/02/2013 17:15

I think it's revolting for your DH to speak to you like that. You probably sounded irritating and patronising to him in that particular situation, but there is no excuse to swear at anyone, never mind your OH. You apologised; he needs to get a grip, apogise, and never do it again.

ThenWeTakeBerlin · 23/02/2013 17:19

I think you were both in the wrong.
He should not be swearing at you, but you should not be controlling him, especially in public.

mynewpassion · 23/02/2013 17:21

I would have told you to fuck off too if my partner did what you did.

Original poster
BlingLoving · 23/02/2013 17:34

Thanks all. Dh has now come downstairs and apologised. We both agree that we were both in the wrong and that while sometimes we just say things without thinking, that doesn't make it ok. I feel much better now and I think so does he.

And yes, ds is one of the reasons I really really don't like these situations. I don't want him picking up on this kind of behaviour from either of us.

OP posts:
CalamityKate · 23/02/2013 17:38

Me and DH tell each other to fuck off all the time.

Me (sniggering): Ooh, remember when you tried to cut your own hair and forgot the guard wasn't on the clippers and you shaved a huge strip and ended up looking like you'd got mange?!"

Him (trying and failing not to laugh): Fuck off.

Or

Him: Ooh I could murder a cuppa. Pink job! Off you go dear!

Me: fuck off. Dear.

However neither of us have ever said it in anger. I've thought it. So has he probably. But if he ever said it I think I'd be heartbroken.

The worst he's ever said in anger is "You stupid woman" (I really was being stupid, too) and I was gutted and cried.

I know some people get sweary with their spouses in the heat of a row but I hate it.

countrykitten · 23/02/2013 17:53

It's horrible and I am worried that people seem happy to normalise it or say that they would have told her to fuck off too. Perhaps I live in some sort of cocoon but I would hate to be around people who spoke to each other like this (except in jest as CalamityKate describes).