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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be hurt

44 replies

thegreylady · 23/02/2013 10:19

Yesterday my youngest dgc was four. The family got back from holiday at lunch time and invited dh and I round to have tea and cake and spend time with the dc. While they were away I had bought all the stuff for the birthday party on Sunday-which I had been asked to do by dd. She gave me the money last night and was very grateful. Then she told me she didn't think I should go to the party as there would be lots of people there,adults and children and it would be very hectic and noisy.
I look after dc twice a week and will have them both all day on Monday. We all get on really well. I have been at every party they have had and I love it. I feel so sad as if they only want me when they need me. I must add we all get on very very well-no tension of friction. I don't understand it at all. Why don't they want me?

OP posts:

KatyTheCleaningLady · 23/02/2013 10:20

YANBU. I wonder why they are doing this.

BookWormery · 23/02/2013 10:21

Sounds like she just means you won't enjoy it.

Did you say, 'Oh I don't mind if it's noisy and busy, I really want to come!'

If so, what did she say?

hwjm1945 · 23/02/2013 10:21

V rude of them,

HecateWhoopass · 23/02/2013 10:24

Do you find it a struggle when there are lots of people?

Have you ever complained about busy, noisy or hectic places?

Have you ever said anything about any previous parties being too noisy, hectic or busy?

Do you struggle in crowded places?

In short - is there any way at all that she could truly believe that you would struggle in a hectic, busy or noisy place and therefore was thinking of you by giving you a way out?

What would happen if you just went anyway? Said something like "thanks for thinking of me, but I'm ok and I'll see you later"

If you want to go - go. She hasn't banned you. She has - for some unknown (to me because you haven't suggested any reason why she might say it) reason - suggested you don't go because there will be lots of people there, it will be noisy and hectic.

diddl · 23/02/2013 10:24

I can see why you are hurt.

But-you did have cake with him on his birthday.

So I´m guessing the party is for his friends & their parents?

zwischenzug · 23/02/2013 10:25

I'll admit we did something similar with my mum, but the relationship there isn't particularly good, and when given the opportunity to look after her gc she'd let us down several times so we'd stopped involving her prior to the party.

In your case it does sound very rude.

zwischenzug · 23/02/2013 10:25

Note my mum didn't help or contribute to the party costs in any way, she just wanted to turn up.

Dolallytats · 23/02/2013 10:25

Maybe they really think you won't enjoy it. I wouldn't be able to get my mum (or indeed my dad, sisters or brother!!) to come to a children's party if I paid her!! 15 5 year olds running around for a couple of hours is not her idea of fun. We are doing this next month, my family will come over the following week to see us all.

If you would like to go, could you not tell them that you really don't mind and that you are looking forward to it? It sounds like you have a great relationship.

Or maybe, if the adults going round are friends as well as the parents of the children, maybe they don't want you to feel left out if they spend time catching up with friends. Some people like to keep family and friends separate.

cakebar · 23/02/2013 10:27

Has she got enough space?

My DD was 4 last summer and I decided it was the last time I was going to ask my sisters. They hogged all the seating and gossiped amongst themselves excluding other guests. It was awkward. I ended up having a word and then they did stop and help. If I'd had more space it wouldn't have mattered.

At the next birthday I had separate family and friends parties and it was much better. Equally I have seen family members at other parties try to monopolise host family attention when they need to be busy hosting.

I think 4 is the age the kids start having more say over who is invited. So maybe they will be packed with friends and need to focus on hosting?

EndoplasmicReticulum · 23/02/2013 10:34

My mum wouldn't want to come to a kids party as she has trouble with her hearing and finds too many noisy children difficult.

Is the party on Sunday a "family and friends" type do, or is it classmates from school? If the first I think you should be invited, if the second then you're probably best out of it.....

Original poster

thegreylady · 23/02/2013 10:36

I feel guilty for posting really. I have never complained about noise etc. I had cancer a few years ago and dd does worry but I love the children's parties. None of the other gp will be here although the other GM has been holiday with them. It did seem to be about crowds and numbers and the house is small. When she saw I was a bit sad she said, "Oh mum come then if you are going to get upset about it!" But she was relieved when I said,"No love not if you'd rather I didn't"
I am a pathetic twit I know and am luckier than many np.

OP posts:

theoriginalandbestrookie · 23/02/2013 10:36

It soundsl like they genuinely think it will be too noisy and hectic for you.

I wouldn't invite my DM& DF to DS's birthday party for that reason also a childs birthday party is very hectic. At DS's 4th birthday party a number of parents didn't stay but they weren't really at the age of being able to look after themselves so we had to watch out for toilet trips, bumps and falls, trying to pull the plug on the bouncy castle for a number of children. We didn't have much time to chat or socialise.

I do think it is a bit off though that you bought and paid for everything, but they aren't giving you the choice to come.

Original poster

thegreylady · 23/02/2013 10:36

Many gp I meant.

OP posts:

theoriginalandbestrookie · 23/02/2013 10:38

Crossed post. It sounds like they are trying to do their best for everyone if the house is small. If you live nearby could you suggest that you just pop in for the candle blowing bit.

Shodan · 23/02/2013 10:38

In my house we have one occasion for family (usually on the birthday itself, tea and cake etc) and another, separate one for ds2's friends, some of whom are still young enough to want their parents there while they party. If we invited (for e.g) my PILs to the latter occasion, we would also have to invite my mother (otherwise she would complain of favouritism), my sister and her four children, DH's sister and so on.

Could it be something like that?

Of course, it's more likely that she genuinely doesn't think you'll enjoy it because of the noise and crowd.

Original poster

thegreylady · 23/02/2013 10:39

It is just a school friends party with 6 four yr olds and 3 six year olds plus some parents.

OP posts:

Shodan · 23/02/2013 10:39

Oh blimey.

X posst due to excessively slow typing.

'Scuse I.

KeatsiePie · 23/02/2013 10:40

I would be very hurt too, I admit. But if you and they have a good relationship then whatever reason they have is NOT b/c they don't like your company. It may be a reason that you wouldn't agree with e.g., they may feel like they don't have enough room or need to focus on other parents or something, and you may think those are silly reasons but still a reason not about you. It sounds like you are very close to them, so it's really very unlikely to be about you.

If it will bother you, then I think you should ask, so you won't worry about it, but try very hard to ask in a way that won't make them feel guilty, voice not quavering with tears, etc.

SashaSashays · 23/02/2013 10:42

If it was done with her genuinely believing she was helping you then I think you have to just see it as misguided and not feel hurt. If there was something else in her suggestion then yes it does seem unfair. Although I can't actually see how she thinks you would enjoy buying everything and then not going, but then maybe in a weird way she thought you would like the participation.

I would have been mightily pissed off if this had happened with my DGC so I think you did well not to react angrily.

I would go to the party, and enjoy it. Then in a few weeks maybe you can discuss in a non-confrontational way what went on.

KeatsiePie · 23/02/2013 10:43

Shoot, x-post. Sorry. Again, still, I'd be hurt. But it sounds like she just has a feeling of having a lot on her plate, for whatever reason ... yes, it's a small party she wouldn't look relieved if she hadn't been stressed, and that could be any number of factors adding up. Again, not you. So I'd try to put it down x.

HecateWhoopass · 23/02/2013 10:45

ok, so she's had the family celebration - which you went to.

And she's having a party for the children who go to school with her child, and some of the parents of these children will be staying.

I don't think it's any sort of snub. I really don't.

Adversecamber · 23/02/2013 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnieLobeseder · 23/02/2013 10:46

Well, if the party is for school friends plus a couple of parents, and space is limited, then I probably wouldn't have wanted you there either, purely to make it all a bit less crowded and to have one less person to worry about - nothing personal at all. I can see why you're a bit hurt, but I doubt this is about you and purely about trying to keep the party as manageable as possible.

diddl · 23/02/2013 10:47

It sounds to me as if you have a good relationship & see lots of your GC.

You celebrated on the actual day with your GC.

Do you have to be at the party as well?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 23/02/2013 10:49

I would be relieved, but a childs party is my idea of hell.

I don't understand why shes asked you not to come. Especially when its you that has done everything for it. Very mean IMO.

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