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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be hurt

44 replies

thegreylady · 23/02/2013 10:19

Yesterday my youngest dgc was four. The family got back from holiday at lunch time and invited dh and I round to have tea and cake and spend time with the dc. While they were away I had bought all the stuff for the birthday party on Sunday-which I had been asked to do by dd. She gave me the money last night and was very grateful. Then she told me she didn't think I should go to the party as there would be lots of people there,adults and children and it would be very hectic and noisy.
I look after dc twice a week and will have them both all day on Monday. We all get on really well. I have been at every party they have had and I love it. I feel so sad as if they only want me when they need me. I must add we all get on very very well-no tension of friction. I don't understand it at all. Why don't they want me?

OP posts:

UnknownGnome · 23/02/2013 10:51

I say this every year to my parents. My dc usually have parties in noisy indoor play areas and I wouldn't ever want my parents to feel obliged to come. They're noisy, you don't get to see a lot of your child and the brews are rubbish! I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy! However, my parents usually come just for half an hour to show their faces which is fine.

It sounds like they're just giving you options. I bet if you say you would really like to go it would be fine. They'd probably appreciate the help!

ChristmasJubilee · 23/02/2013 10:57

But she was relieved when I said "No love, not if you'd rather I didn't"

I feel hurt for you.

I would tell them that you had an invitation for a long weekend away with a friend but had declined as you thought you had dgs party on the Sunday. now you are free You have been in touch with your friend and decided to go after all. You will be back on Tuesday so won't be able to have the children on Monday after all!

catgirl1976 · 23/02/2013 10:58

YANBU to be hurt :(

Perhaps your DD is just worrying about you following the cancer

I think you need to tell her how you feel and how much it would mean to you to be there

diddl · 23/02/2013 11:02

I think the fact that OP bought everything whilst her daughter & family were away is skewing things.

I can´t see the problem with not wanting your mum at your 4yr olds party.

Geeklover · 23/02/2013 11:31

Someone said it's a small party but those children plus parents is a fair amount of people if the house is small.
I usually ask my parents to have been and gone by the time a birthday party starts. Tbh there is enought people in the house without them too.
They would probably enjoy staying but don't mind as they realise I've got loads to do and guests to entertain.
I actually don't think it's that odd especially when the dc are at the age it's school friends coming over rather than the younger parties that usually have more family at them.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 23/02/2013 11:39

YANBU to feel hurt, but I can also see where she is coming from. Sometimes it is easier to seperate family celebrations and friend ones. I love my mum to bits and involve her in almost everything including taking her on holiday with us but it does sometimes lead to a different dynamic, not bad just different, so it's nice to do things with just friends occasionally

Chrysanthemum5 · 23/02/2013 11:49

I know you are hurt but your dd probably didn't mean it badly. I've said to relatives not to come to the main party for the DCs as it is noisy and busy. But we always have a family tea with cake which you've had, and that's really the best bit

Original poster

thegreylady · 23/02/2013 13:12

Ok quick update-dd rang me this morning totally stressed as they got back from a week abroad yesterday and the party is tomorrow.She explained that,originally they had planned a family[grandparents] do today and the party for dgs's friends tomorrow.She said she could tell I was upset and if it was a really big deal for me of course I would be welcome [as I always am].She explained that several of the parents are fairly new to her and she felt I would feel sidelined in the general melee of the party.Apparently there are a total of nine adults,9 children as well as her and her dh.
Maythe odds I think you have it spot on.I am a daft old bat :)
Dd will take lots of pics for me. She has already asked if dh and I want to go to Spain with them in the Summer.
So thanks for all the support everyone :) I know I am BU really though so many of you understand which feels great iykwim

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 23/02/2013 13:18

Oh you've updated already - I was going to say that YAB a bit U but I can see both sides.
Are you going to go, or not?

My sister used to throw big parties for her 3 DDs when they were under school age, to which all family members were welcome; but as soon as they got to school age, she apologised and said that from now on the parties would just be a few school friends and children only, possibly with their mums if necessary. TBH, we were mostly relieved - her parties were very big and noisy and my Dad didn't really enjoy them, so it was nicer for him to see the girls separately.

RivalSibling · 23/02/2013 13:23

I think it was very rude of her to ask you to help prepare for the party and THEN to uninvite you. She perhaps didn't think that one through properly.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 23/02/2013 13:27

I'm so glad you're feeling better greylady, you sound so lovely your dd is lucky to have such a great mum

Original poster

thegreylady · 23/02/2013 13:30

No Thumb I wont go and I wont dwell on it either.She knows how much I love doing the party shopping etc and she has paid me though I didn't want to accept. She wouldn't let me do party bag fillers though.
I'll have a lovely day with the boys on Monday and if the weather is ok I'll take them out somewhere fun.
I love them all very much and I know that any hurt was unintentional.I hope she doesnt see this!She isn't a mumsnetter though some of her friends might be .

OP posts:

maddening · 23/02/2013 13:35

I would just tell her that you were really looking forward to the dgc party and are quite upset to be asked not to go and that these are moments you will treasure.

Tbh the fact that you have suffered with cancer makes it more poignant - they are moments that you may not have had. It shouldn't make your dd want to protect you from the noise of a party.

Thumbwitch · 23/02/2013 13:48

Oh good, I'm glad you've made peace with the situation. Have a lovely day with them on Sunday and they can tell you all about it! Lovely of your DD to take pics for you as well. :)

mrsbunnylove · 23/02/2013 16:16

there see, thegreylady, you've already done what i was about to advise - just suck it up. that's what we get to do. suck it up and keep being pleasant. they love us, we love them, we've a lot of life-experience, we cope.

if they didn't love and trust you, they wouldn't leave their babies with you.

Original poster

thegreylady · 23/02/2013 18:55

Thanks everyone-if that's the worst I have to put up with I'll be a lucky lady :)
I have had the boys for part of the week since dgs1 was 6 months.He was born just after my breast cancer dx in 2006 so seeing them grow up is such a privilege.
I think the root of it is that ds-i-l's parents wouldn't be at the party and ds-i-l maybe felt a bit sensitive about it.I could be wrong.I am still a bit hurt inside but it doesn't matter.When dgs was asked who he wanted at his party I was first on his list.I have spoken to him and told him yesterday was our special party and tomorrow is his party with his friends.I explained I was too old to sit on the floor for pass the parcel and much too fat for hide and seek-what if my tummy stuck out and I couldn't fit under the sofa at all!He was absolutely fine and looking forward to Monday.

OP posts:

Original poster

thegreylady · 24/02/2013 14:54

Quick update :)
dd just phoned and the party is over [11 to 1]. I told her I was a bit sad about missing it and she said,"Honestly you could have come but you would have hated it. If I'd known you were upset I'd have come and got you!"
Apparently most of the party was spent with the boys in the tree house being pterodactyls and 'roaring' at the sheep in the field!The two little girls went in the Wendy house to make pterodactyl food out of sand and bird food [awful gender stereotyping but their choice :) NB the Wendy house belongs to dgs's] The three big boys did a treasure hunt for chocolate coins round the garden,there was 'pin the trunk on the elephant' , pass the parcel and tea[lunch].
Each little guest was accompanied by a dad and dd's friend came to help her.
Call ended with the birthday boy saying,"bye bye Grandma I love you!"
I am totally restored to equilibrium.Thanks to you lovely lot :)

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 24/02/2013 15:07

Oh that's lovely, thegreylady. Glad you're back on an even keel again now. :)

natwebb79 · 24/02/2013 15:21

I had separate ones for family and friends. Thing is, if she says that you can go then the other gp will wonder why they're not invited and then numbers will be well out. She may well have agonised over how best to organise it and felt frustrated when
you looked put out.

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