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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so bloody fed up?

53 replies

monkeysbignuts · 22/02/2013 20:39

i have 3 young children aged 5,3 & 18 weeks. i am suffering with pnd and really struggling bad. my 18 week old is a dreadful sleeper and wakes every 2 hours sometimes every hour :( i am breast feeding and trying to meet everyone else's needs and find my own are being neglected badly. i manage a bath once a week and i look like shit constantly. my hair is actually falling out! i have bald patches :(
i want to run away and never come back. my family don't seem to understand how bad i feel and my husband is moody and off with me because i can't keep on top with the house work and it looks messy everywhere. do i need to pull myself together? aibu to find this so bloody hard. why do other people cope and manage when i can't?

OP posts:
marjproops · 22/02/2013 20:43

Can your husband not help you with a few jobs around the house? Or your parents or in-laws? Maybe ask someone to come round and sit with the children for a bit so you can have a nice relaxing bath and maybe a lie down? you can ask someone to feed baby with your breast milk in a bottle?

IfNotNowThenWhen · 22/02/2013 20:47

Fucking hell. I was in tears with one 18 week old, never mind what you have on your plate.
Kick you husband up the arse and tell him to do more.
I don't think other people do cope with no help.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 22/02/2013 20:48

And also, maybe call the HV and ask about Homestart. I think that's what it's called. YANBU btw.

NotHerRealname · 22/02/2013 20:49

Listen, you are not coping because you are not getting the support you need. Its not you failing, its people around you failing you. Does that make sense?
Have you seen a health professional yet? that would be a good first move if not.

DangerousBeanz · 22/02/2013 20:50

Talk to your health visitor/ midwife about this. You aren't alone, they've come across Many women who feel just like you do (including me after both of mine) It's not so easy as just pulling yourself together, and for everyone who appears to cope, there are a dozen who are crying in a curled up little ball when they think no-one can see them.
Please don't try to be super woman, ask for help and take it whenever you can. I could not cope with 3 young children, I admire you greatly for what you are doing. Give yourself a hug and allow yourself to be a little bit human for a while. Brew Biscuit Flowers you deserve them all xx

bedmonster · 22/02/2013 20:55

Oh dear. I feel for you, you have a hell of a lot on your plate. 3 kids 5 and under is going to be hard work, not even adding PND into the mix. Are you getting adequate support? I'm guessing not though, if you're still feeling shitty.
Not much advice really, sorry.
Do your older children have a good bedtime routine set in place? Once they're settled, would your husband watch the baby while you can grab a shower between feeds? Obviously he should do if he is at home in the evenings, it's not an unreasonable request. And how is he with the baby? Has he bonded well?
With regards to housework, he is being a bit of a arse to be off with you for not being Anthea bloody Turner. You have a newborn, you're knackered and just getting through the day is an achievement in itself.
I have found being a mum tough from time to time but have been fortunate not to suffer with PND and had excellent family support each time. Any chance anyone would be able to take any of them out for an hour or two to the park/softplay/walk round a park just to give you time to rest up?
Hope things start to get better for you soon OP, hang in there. (((hugitup)))

Parietal · 22/02/2013 20:56

your DH should be doing the cooking, cleaning & childcare for older kids until the baby sleeps. It just isn't possible to do everything yourself, so don't expect to. Ask everyone for some help and keep asking til you get it.

MiniTheMinx · 22/02/2013 20:58

Firstly I think you are doing very well to cope at all with 3, 5 and unders. I'm surprised you can keep your eyes open let alone do housework.

Your DH has no right to be moody and you have every right to expect him to help, at least so you can get a bath and some rest.

Could you try a bottle last thing in the evening, lots of people give one ff if baby will take it because it often fills them up and they sleep for a few hrs longer???? or express so DH could do a couple of evening feeds so you get some time off.

Other family members, could they look after the older ones to give you some time?

Hair falling out, Nourkrin is very good for extending the life cycle of hair and getting new hair to grow. Although it's hormonal, it may help as would ensuring you get some rest and a good diet.

Original poster
monkeysbignuts · 22/02/2013 21:02

thanks everyone. going to see my gp next week, i think i need some meds. i am sure if i was getting a bit more sleep i would cope better. no sooner have i cleaned up the two big ones mess it up again.
my husband doesn't seem to get this?!
also lack of sleep for months on end is so much worse than the odd night here and there. again husband doesn't seem to understand this either. i am that worn down that i cry during night feeds :(
pathetic or what

OP posts:
Original poster
monkeysbignuts · 22/02/2013 21:07

sorry for moaning, i really needed to vent

OP posts:
bedmonster · 22/02/2013 21:31

It's NOT pathetic monkeys, it's normal. Motherhood has it's upsides but it's bloody stressful at times. The early months for us have always proved the hardest. But your DH should be pulling his weight for the benefit of his family. He is being an arse not to see this.
Was he this stand-offish when you had your other DC?

Vent away, that's why we're here Smile

mrsbunnylove · 22/02/2013 21:36

someone needs to help you with practical stuff! you've got three children and are only recently delivered... you are entitled to moan.
i'm guessing people are used to you 'coping' with things and think you can get on with it?
ask for help. any relatives or friends who could come round and do things? (they'll do it wrong. you live with that. if they make a brew and pass you a biscuit you're on a winner). and do get onto any professional who might be able to offer some support.
you aren't pathetic, you're amazing. now you need a bath, some rest and some consideration from others.

BlackStiltonBoots · 22/02/2013 22:02

Hi Monkeys

I really struggled with sleep deprivation for the first 2 months with DD1- and I only had 1 baby to look after! It is no wonder that you are exhausted when you aren't getting the support you need. I have depression, and had 2 bad bouts after each of my children were born so I know only too well how it feels.

Does your husband do anything for the children or round the house?

You said you are breast feeding (my DDs had formula so I don't know too much about how often breast fed babies feed really, so forgive me if this sounds silly/ not workable) is there any chance you could feed the baby while husband puts the older children to bed, and then you go to bed for a couple of hours while husband has the baby? Or use the time to grab a bath, read a book, do something else you love. You need a little time to yourself.

Do you have family or friends who might have your older children for a few hours, or come round to help you with cleaning/ cooking etc? Don't be scared to ask for help, I'm sure people would be glad to do something (I would if you were my friend).

I think visiting your GP might be more help than the HV, although my HV offered me some help in the form of a nursery nurse who could come round for a couple of hours a week to do activities with the children and give me a break- I didn't take it up but it might be useful for you.

Have a Brew and a Biscuit.

Original poster
monkeysbignuts · 23/02/2013 19:11

black stilton i think it's the sleep deprivation with me, it makes me so ill :(
i am not very good at asking for help, part of the problem i think.
i don't like asking my mum too much because she has a lot on too.
baby had a ready made carton of aptimil last night and slept 5 hours before waking me :)

OP posts:
StrawberriesTasteLikeLipsDo · 23/02/2013 19:25

Im formula feeding DS2 who is 9 weeks, doesnt feed amazingly but does sleep and goes down in evening so i do get some time away from him, DP helps massively woth house and feeds and I've only got the three year old to contend with who is at pre school 3 days per week 9-3... And i still am on sertaline an a bit of a mess.

You deserve a bloody big hug x

MarinaTheMarvellous · 23/02/2013 23:02

Mention to gp about hair loss - that can be symptom of thyroid problem - also sleep issues ( apart from baby waking) and depression are symptoms of under active thyroid.

BlackStiltonBoots · 24/02/2013 11:16

It is so hard, I was hallucinating at one point because I couldn't put DD1 down at night. I don't know what I would have done if I had older kids too.

Do you co-sleep with the baby? I didn't do it for long but those nights when I was so exhausted it was easier to put her in bed with me (though I didn't sleep properly) it was more restful.

I'm so glad you got a 5 hour stretch of sleep- it feels much better when you manage more than 2 hours at a time.

Is your husband doing enough to support you?

Original poster
monkeysbignuts · 24/02/2013 12:04

thanks strawberries, i am struggling a lot more than people realise :(

marina i am going the doctor next week. my body hair is falling out too, not just my head hair :( i have also developed eczma.

stilton i have started putting him in bed with me if we are having a really bad night. i was up every 1.5 to 2 hours last night. i really wish he would just sleep for 3 or 4 hours. it's making me feel all crazy now :(
i wish there was a way to get him to stop waking up so much.
my husband is great with the big two. he puts them to bed at night and takes them swimming every Sunday. he's very grumpy though, which feels directed at me. not sure if that's intended or not?!

OP posts:
MarinaTheMarvellous · 24/02/2013 12:54

Hope you get some help soon, medical or otherwise - things will get better as they get older too. Please let us know how you get on.

Ionasky · 24/02/2013 14:12

I'd mention to your DH that you feel he's judging you. I don't think many people would cope with that much sustained sleep deprivation. Try and be kind to each other, he probably is grumpy but he has to keep helping you, it's the deal. Hope the dr/hv helps and maybe you should see about nursery/babysitter for a few sessions so you can rest/get some sleep if no family can help? Can they help financially with nursery if thy cant help to give you a break? Sometimes family won't get involved if you don't ask strongly.

MiniTheMinx · 24/02/2013 20:49

Hi monkeysbignuts,

Good luck with the GP.

Are you going to keep up the aptimil bed time feed? What time does your DH finish work in the evenings?

Maybe if you could negotiate a routine where DH can do the whole tea time/bedtime routine and leave you free to keep baby awake at that time. I know "managing babies" isn't really at all fashionable these days Wink but I know it worked for me with both.......I discovered that both Dcs took a longer sleep of about five hrs in every 24 hr period. With both it was always 10 am approx, which is NOT night time!! So what I did was give them less feed in the morning, this meant they slept a shorter time, I then fed them and popped them down again, feeding them when they woke and needed it. I then set about keeping them awake (from 6 weeks old) from 5pm to 10 pm (although i extended the time over a period of weeks) then gave them a bottle formular feed which filled them up for bed time. We could then manage that 5 hrs at night time. I'm not saying it would work but some similar strategy might.

Original poster
monkeysbignuts · 25/02/2013 17:10

thanks mini. my husband sees to the big kids at bed time and i breast feed baby, he normally cluster feeds at this time. i was breasfeeding him then giving formula at 10pm but i was so emotionally drained yesterday that i formula fed him at 7 & got in bed! tonight i think i will revert back.
i was up 3 times last night. 12, 2 & 4! so tiring. i really want to swap him to the bottle but he seems sensitive to the powder formula and we can't afford 6 cartons of ready made a day! :(

OP posts:
Phineyj · 25/02/2013 17:18

Hi monkeysbignuts this sounds really stressful! My baby will drink the formula made from powder mixed with the ready made (it is quite a handy way to cool down a freshly made feed too) could you try that?

Could DH pay for a cleaner for you just as a short term measure -- even as a one-off thing, there are companies that will do that and it might give him an idea of how much work it is and why it's not possible to manage clean and tidy on top of being sleep-deprived...

Original poster
monkeysbignuts · 25/02/2013 17:34

phineyj he will drink the powder stuff but gets an upset tummy with it. do

OP posts:
Original poster
monkeysbignuts · 25/02/2013 17:36

opps pressed post too soon. does it upset your lo tummy? was thinking about getting some colief to see if that helps.
i really do want to swap him to a bottle now :(

OP posts:
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