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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

And abit pathetic.....

73 replies

Lulututu · 21/02/2013 21:57

My dd is now 18months and I am getting pressure from the gp's for her to have overnight stays and days out without me there. I am definitely not ready for her to have an overnight yet as we co sleep and she wakes often wanting myself so that is out of the question anyway .....but I also don't feel ready to send her off for the day without me or dh just yet. We are a little AP but not extreme and tbh It's more that I do what I feel is right and it so happens to be AP...not that I decided to be AP...iyswim.

Anyway my df and my pil's don't complain and we do make sure we visit often. But my own DM is very vocal about how she thinks I am harming dd by how I am bringing her up....my DM says the best thing I can do is leave her without me or dh there. But my DM is so opposite to me in parenting anyway so that is one of the reasons i am so reluctant in leaving dd at this age and them taking her out for the day without me. I just think what if dd wanted me and I wasn't there....dd would probably get upset at some point and I would spend a day worrying.

I have offered to have days out with gp's.....so family days out.....but they want to have just dd not me or dh there...it'd like to think when my children have their own I will still want to spend family outings with them and not just my dgc.....or is that just me!

So AIBU and am I pathetic......my DM certainly thinks so and just wondered what other people thought as I don't want to be pathetic at my dd's expense.

Thanks

OP posts:

LaQueen · 22/02/2013 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 22/02/2013 17:13

mrsjay I'm so sorry for you...your bond with your mother must have been very weak.

Or some bollocks.

mrsjay · 22/02/2013 17:13

yes it is tragic Pictish imagine having to endure a loving family

LaQueen · 22/02/2013 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 22/02/2013 17:19

What oxfordbags said earlier has really stuck in my craw...can you tell?

I agree with you Lequeen.

LaQueen · 22/02/2013 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeCool · 22/02/2013 17:23

my DM says the best thing I can do is leave her without me or dh there.
Best for who? Best for what? ^^ is a bonkers statement to make. I'd ignore her OP & do what you want. She's trying to manipulate you to get her way.

mrsjay · 22/02/2013 17:29

What oxfordbags said earlier has really stuck in my craw...can you tell?

Aye

pictish · 22/02/2013 17:44

I think it was very insulting to many.

LaQueen · 22/02/2013 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goldmandra · 22/02/2013 18:00

Your DD can develop strong bonds with her grandparents perfectly well while you are present and during the shorter visits you are comfortable with.

Your consistent presence in her life will not prevent her from learning to be independent, nor will it make her miserable when she is left with others or starts school.

It is appropriate at her age for her to choose to be with you and for you to choose to only be separated for short periods. The fact that other children spend longer periods in childcare or with grandparents doesn't mean it would be beneficial to your DD.

You clearly have a strong protective instinct and you aren't ready to send your DD off to be cared for by others just yet. There is nothing wrong with that, just as there is nothing wrong with others deciding that is it the right thing to do with their own child. Children are brought up with lots of combinations of carers for all sorts of reasons and your choice is perfectly valid, as are the others described on this thread.

I think the previous poster who suggested that your mother's attitude to your parenting needs to change is right. It is always harder to hand your child over to someone if you feel that they will expose your child to things with which you are not comfortable. Perhaps if you felt more confident that she would be positive about you to your DD and respect your views about smoking you would be happier to hand her over for longer.

As for wanting to have grandchildren without their parents - I really struggle to understand this. It usually seems to go beyond wanting to give the parents a break. It certainly did with my mother. Maybe when we are GPs ourselves we will understand.

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 22/02/2013 18:17

OP, I think you should be honest with your mum. Say "no, I don't want to leave dd with you. I don't trust you not to smoke in front of her. You've said you will ignore the way we parent and do it your way, and I've experienced your way, and I don't want that for my daughter. You criticise me all the time in front of her, and that is not right. You treat her like a possession. She is a person, not your toy".

Or some version of that .

Its not about leaving her with someone else, is it? Its about not wanting to leave her with a person that she probably needs protecting from.

KindleMum · 22/02/2013 18:34

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It sounds as though your DD is not clingy and presumably has time away from you as you're working full time. The important factor for me would be that it sounds as though she wants 1 on 1 time in order to undermine/undo/reverse your parenting. If that's the case, that's entirely unacceptable behaviour on her part. You're the parent, not her. She should respect that/

GPs are allowed a bit of leeway on "spoiling" a child but they are not allowed to do that. I had a row with my MIL recently because she was encouraging the 2 year to play with the oven. It was on and hot to add insult to injury. She deliberately encourages our children to break any house rule that she knows we have, even the really simple ones like "you never touch the oven/kettle/hot drinks". She encourages them to draw on books and wallpaper. I don't know why she does these things but we won't let her have our children without us there and I feel entirely justified in that.

KindleMum · 22/02/2013 18:41

I meant to put working part time. Sorry.

somewhereaclockisticking · 22/02/2013 18:45

Let your DM have her for the day - when your dd gets upset and your dm can't console her - she will soon be handing her back over to you and probably not suggesting the idea for a long time. However if it works out then you can relax and enjoy having a time to rest and let the GP's bond.

Catrin · 22/02/2013 19:31

My ILs were desperate to have dd stay over from birth, mostly so MIL could pretend she was her mother.
I however have always got extremely anxious about staying away/my family staying away and still am and I hate the idea of dd staying anywhere without me. Dd is 7 and did not stay overnight with them till she was 6 1/2.
Do what suits you. SHe's your child, not the product of a village as half of MN seems to believe.

Original poster

Lulututu · 22/02/2013 22:02

Thanks for more replies.
I totally get why some people would want to leave their babies with Gp's ....it is actually more common than to not do it. Which is why my DM is so upset I think. But my style of parenting and my instinct of what my dd needs just means I feel she is not ready for extended (full) days away from me yet - other than when she is with dh and I'm working. She gets more clingy if I leave her too long and it's like I undo the good work I've put in. I know some babies that are fine to be away from mum for the day...but my dd's personality has always been to like me there in the background for reassurance and I like to nurture that until she is ready, rather than pushing her independence. I suppose it's a case of different strokes for different folks too but I don't believe she is developmentally ready just yet. But I know that when my dd is ready (and no one knows he like her moma) then I will be too.

Re the smoking - I just did not want to mention it in the op as that would obviously have dictated what people thought. And my DM doesn't see the smoking as a problem as she claims she would smoke away from her....but I'm not sure she would.

Apart from that as I said before my DM is very critical of me and my parenting. She thinks I should let dd CIO and that when toddlers tantrum they are been naughty....so that's where my reluctance comes from. Also I do think sometimes my DM wants to have dd just to play mum...

It's been great to see other people's opinions on this though....and also good
there's other people out there that think like myself....

OP posts:

babiesinslingsgetcoveredinfood · 22/02/2013 22:25

YANBU or pathetic. My mil tried this, my df was abducted took my dd for a much longer than agreed walk aged 12 weeks (demand bf, I was fuming and he came running home saying he thought there was something wrong!!!! DO YOU FUCKING THINK!!!!)

My friends got married when my dd was 14 months old & were insistent that we should stay at the hotel overnight despite it being fairly local. It was that annoying you MUST drink & be without your dc to have fun bs. I came on here and it was 60/40 that iwbu. I was surprised to be told I should cut the apron strings, I'd make her clingy, how would she ever go to school etc yada yada yada

I'm a SAHM, for a reason! We want to the wedding, but came home at 7pm. Friends were cross, so was mil. They got over it.

Cuddle your baby, she' ll run happily in to pre-school without a backward glance soon enough!

Goldmandra · 22/02/2013 22:29

Gosh babies!

I wouldn't have told you that!

MikeOxardAndWellard · 22/02/2013 23:13

Yanbu, you are a parent, not a bloody rent-a-kid firm! A baby is not a toy to have a go with. If you need dm/dmil to look after dd then that's one thing, but there's no reason to hand her off randomly before either of you are ready just because dm thinks it would be fun.

babiesinslingsgetcoveredinfood · 23/02/2013 09:36

gold In hindsight (2 years on and I'm older and wiser) I would've just done it. But on here, I had soooo many people telling me that I was being PFB and that by 14 months their dd was down the mine constantly going off with relatives and heyd had weekends away etc. I should just express and toddle off.

Well ds is almost 11 months and I've hardly left him either. I've only stayed away from dd when I was in hospital having ds!

Chunderella · 23/02/2013 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

leonardofquirm · 23/02/2013 11:13

YANBU OP.

Our parents aren't too bad for demanding to have the DC on their own, (ages 3 and 11Mo), but the PIL do seem to think we're nuts for not being desperate to leave them.

We didn't go out for the evening without DS1 till we wanted to, he was about 14 months. PIL are insistent we go out for our anniversary soon it'll be the first time leaving DS2.

They have both spent lots of time with GPS and have bonded fine without overnights or days out.

DS1 didn't quite skip into nursery without a backward glance at 3, but he's doing fine!

Our family are nice, if they were smoking and ignoring requests on how to look after DC I'd be even less keen.

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