And abit pathetic.....

[Lulututu]

My dd is now 18months and I am getting pressure from the gp's for her to have overnight stays and days out without me there. I am definitely not ready for her to have an overnight yet as we co sleep and she wakes often wanting myself so that is out of the question anyway .....but I also don't feel ready to send her off for the day without me or dh just yet. We are a little AP but not extreme and tbh It's more that I do what I feel is right and it so happens to be AP...not that I decided to be AP...iyswim.

Anyway my df and my pil's don't complain and we do make sure we visit often. But my own DM is very vocal about how she thinks I am harming dd by how I am bringing her up....my DM says the best thing I can do is leave her without me or dh there. But my DM is so opposite to me in parenting anyway so that is one of the reasons i am so reluctant in leaving dd at this age and them taking her out for the day without me. I just think what if dd wanted me and I wasn't there....dd would probably get upset at some point and I would spend a day worrying.

I have offered to have days out with gp's.....so family days out.....but they want to have just dd not me or dh there...it'd like to think when my children have their own I will still want to spend family outings with them and not just my dgc.....or is that just me!

So AIBU and am I pathetic......my DM certainly thinks so and just wondered what other people thought as I don't want to be pathetic at my dd's expense.

Thanks

[rainbowrainbowrainbow]

Just because other people would be ok with it doesn't mean you should feel the same.
Your daughter is very young. I would have hated it if my mum had tried to prise any of my dcs away from me for a day at that age. It wouldn't have happened for a number of reasons (one being that they smoke and think it's fine to do so with children around).

[XiCi]

oxford so everyu child that is happy in a nursery for a few hours each day or happily spends time with their grandparents has a weak bond with their mother?

I don't think I've ever read such shit in all my life

[OxfordBags]

XiCi did you see where I said that there is nothing wrong with a child being away from their parents for several hours? I repeatedly made clear I was talking about very long stretches of time, such as what the OP's DM is requesting. If you're going to attack me, please have the decency to actually read what I wrote.

My DS spends several hours at a time a few times a week with his various GPs. Again, this is not what I am on about. Ironic that I started my comment by asking people to read what is actually being written

Pictish, every child is different and some may cope, but yes, I'd find it odd that a child of that age would cope perfectly well with being without their primary caregiver for such a long period of time. Perhaps the bond thing isn't the right term, but it seems strange a child wouldn't get upset.

[pictish]

Strange to who?

[PurplePidjin]

Ywbvu to leave tour dcwith anyone you can't trust, grandparent or no. A little bit of independence is great, but not with someone you believe will damage your child

[bedmonster]

oxford at your 'psychological analysis' that children who spend time away from their parents have weak bonds. How exactly? My dsis was left by her parents at 1 for 10 days while they went on their honeymoon. They both worked away a lot while she was young. And she's fine and still loves them!
We are all different op, if you don't feel ready then I doubt anything we say will help you overcome your issues.
But unless they are secret axe murderers I'm sure your dd would be fine. And I think the smoking thing OS a red herring really. If it was that big a problem I suspect you would have mentioned it in your op.
Out of interest what does your dh think?

[rainbowrainbowrainbow]

Dc1 would have hated a day away from me at that age. I have pictures of him at nursery school at 3 and he looks utterly miserable. I came early to pick him up once and watched him standing alone while everyone else played. It was heartbreaking and I wish now I'd taken him out. I felt under immense pressure for him to go as so many people said he should be going at that age. I wish now I'd trusted my instincts. He was just really shy and wasn't ready. Every child is different. I don't think others can decide what's best for your child.
Other mothers I know have also said they wish they'd done the same and taken their children out of nursery but also felt pushed by outside forces to follow the herd and do what everyone else was doing even though it didn't feel quite right for them.

[OxfordBags]

It seems strange to me, Pictish.
I'm not on about the odd afternoon out or nursery, which is totally different to what the OP's mother is demanding. Children might get used to being away from their parents for very long stretches of time and be 'fine' about it all, but that doesn't make it a good thing, IMHO. Anyway, the main thing is, the OP chooses to not let her DD stay overnight and her mother won't drop it or stop criticising her parenting. I think the latter is acually the biggest problem here, not whether or not it's a good idea to let under-2s be away from their parents overnight.

[XiCi]

An overnight stay is hardly a very long stretch though is it. I'm sure most children would have had at least 1 overnight stay with a GP by that age without suffering any form of trauma. They're with people they love and who love them after all

[Crinkle77]

How about they just have her for an hour or two on their own first to see how they get on then increase the time at each visit? Your daughter has to get used to you not being there all the time otherwise it will be even worse when she goes to school

[TheBigJessie]

You don't want your daughter to stay overnight at your mother's. Moreover, your mother keeps talking about how she's going to do things her way when she has her overnight 9way to get your back up...), and she's a heavy smoker who ignores your wishes about keeping it away from your daughter.

Of course you're saying no!

[Crinkle77]

Sorry just realised that your daughter already spends time with her gp's alone

[rainbowrainbowrainbow]

ywbvu to leave your child with anyone you can't trust, grandparent or no
Exactly.
This is why my youngest don't go to myparents. They think smoking, smacking and not supervising mine closely (3 and 1) is fine. I know if I left them there all of the above would probably happen. They don't respect how I parent, they think they have the right to do what they like if they were to have the children so it doesn't happen. The smoking the OP talks about sounds like the tip of the iceberg to me in terms of her mothers questionable behaviour , rather than a red herring.

[worldgonecrazy]

Not sure as your situation is so different from mine. My DD spends a huge amount of time with my parents because they are her main carers as me and DH work fulltime. So leaving her with them is normal because she is used to them, and they also have a similar parenting style (other than spoiling her because that is what grandparents are supposed to do). When she stays with them overnight she sleeps with them in their bed, so to DD it is all normal.

But if she didn't know them that well, if they weren't going to cosleep, and if one of them smoked cigarettes near her, then I would not dream of leaving her for extended periods or overnight.

Having said that, I do think it is lovely for children to spend time and build strong relationships with their grandparents. I didn't get the chance as my gps lived long distances away and I feel that gap in my life. That's why I'm happy for my DD to spend most of her waking time with her gps.

[rainbowrainbowrainbow]

crinkle
"Otherwise is will be even worse when she goes to school"
Is there any real evidence about this I wonder? Apart from anecdotal?
I strongly believe nursery didn't help my ds1 at all to settle into school. In fact it was the opposite. Nursery made him more insular as far as I could tell. I really think children can be very different and as parents we need to try and be sensitive to that, to trust our instincts and be brave enough to take a different path from what most other people choose to do if it doesn't feel right. That may sound a bit woo buthey ho. Now I have 3 dcs I am much more able to ignore other people who eg think I am harming dc2 by not putting him in nursery as soon as he's 3. As a first time parent it can be hard to trust your instincts, esp with so much differing info out there

[Charltonangel]

Oxfordbags "Psychologically, it is not good for a child of that age to be away from their mother for long stretches (more than a few hours). She is too young developmentally for it to foster independence, etc. Being away from you for too long will make her more clingy, not make her less so. Psychologically, it would be worrying for a child of 18 months to be fine with being away from his or her mother for a whole day or night (would indicate a weak bond)"

I work full time and am away from dd 5 days a week, ten hours a day. I read exactly what you had to say and think it was particularly insensitive. I am the breadwinner in the family, and DH stays at home with her. She has a fab bond with both of us, and is the happiest, cleverest and most well adjusted 18 month old in the history of the universe - not that I am at all biased

Frankly, I think you're talking a load of nonsense. Where did you get your psychology expertise from?

[BlackholesAndRevelations]

oxford- Way to make working mothers feel even more guilty!! My son is 18 months and he and his sister stay at my inlaws sometimes. We have a perfectly strong bond, thank you very much!

[CatsRule]

Yanbu!

I will never understand why gp's...some not all, are so very desperate to have gc without the parents...their very own children!

My vile getting viler by the day through her recent actions actually said to my dh, her son, that she wasn't interested in seeing him or I but only our child! Lets just say that hell will freeze over before we, yes we including her own ds, will ever trust her.

[CatsRule]

That was meant to say my vile mil!

[MrsAmaretto]

lulututu I think yanbu. You have written that your mum has her for a few hours by herself already. I think that should be enough.

My pil are exactly the same (except the wont have ds unaccompanied for anytime) they want him for a couple of nights at there house. I've suggested they look after him overnight at ours so dh & i can go away for a night, but no.

At the end of the day I like spending my days off with my son and our weekends as a family. That's why we conceived in the first place.

[pictish]

Oxford - so because you think it's strange that other people's kids will happily stay overnight with their gps, you have deduced that the bond between parent and child must be weak.

What a load of noodles and slaver...what shit have you been reading to come to that optimistically superior, yet laughably inaccurate conclusion? Whatever it was has made you look really stupid.

Pull your head from out of your own bottom woman! You sound like a fool.

[midastouch]

yanbu my DS is 3.7 the only time he has been without me is when i was giving birth to DD, everyone said he'd have trouble at nursery etc... He loves it he settled in fine after 3 days! HV at the time kept nagging me to give him to my mum for overnight stays, my best friend is amazed neither of my DC (DD is 10 months) have days out on there own with my DM. I dont remember staying with my nan and gdad till i was about 8. Its up to you how you bring up your children.

[thezebrawearspurple]

Given your last response, yadnbu.

[mrsjay]

too young developmentally what rubbish this kid is nearly 2 years old, OP do what you think is right honestly you are doing your dd no harm letting her go to her grans for a few hours sort out your issues with her and let your dd do stuff with her GP

[mrsjay]

I will never understand why gp's...some not all, are so very desperate to have gc without the parents...their very own children!

because they want to spend time with them why is that so strange , I came from a huge extended family and I stayed with my nana aunts every other weekend or holiday I really honestly dont see the issue,