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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not speaking to my mum AIBU?

39 replies

VitoCorleone · 21/02/2013 18:24

Last year my mum was told by the jobcentre that she'd have to look for work, she was on her own at the time and has a 14 year old who has minor learning difficulties and an 8 year old. She was worried that if she got a job then in the holidays she wouldnt be able to put my 14 year old sister into childcare because of her age and my sister doesnt like being home on her own. So my mum asked me if id look after both kids during the holidays.

Now at the time she asked i was also on my own after a split with DP, i had a 3 year old, was pregnant with my second, i didnt drive and was already quite isolated, i thought it was unfair for my mum to put that on me and said i couldnt do it.

Fast forward to now, i have a job interview on Tuesday, and my mum has turned round and saud "well dont ask me to help with childcare, you wouldnt do it for me, and if you wanted to work you shouldnt have had kids"

My mum has never worked.

She would have only had the baby for a couple of hours a day and maybe not even that if i could work round DPs shifts.

She also insulted my parenting calling my children "poor little sods" who always get shouted at - my 4 year old gets shouted at coz he doesnt do a thing he's told.

So ive told her id rather them be shouted at than witness the stuff i had to as a child and now im not speaking to her.

AIBU here?

OP posts:
MsAkimbo · 21/02/2013 18:30

Does sound like a difficult situation. But IMO, be glad your children aren't staying with her if you remember witnessing unpleasant things as a child.

Just do what's best for you and yours and not worry about her input.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 21/02/2013 18:30

Without any of the back story I would say YABU, she asked you to babysit, you said no despite being in a position to be able to do it, you have an expectation that she would provide childcare for you, she said no.

Also I don't understand why you would want her to babysit given your last sentence, if she let you witness bad things in your childhood then why would you want your baby left with her a couple of hours a day?

IneedAsockamnesty · 21/02/2013 18:33

Yes you are.

You don't ask a favour of someone who you would refuse to do the same thing for,

Its not really on to be constantly shouting at 4 year olds.

Part of loving some one is also about saying something when they are acting like a cock.

WorraLiberty · 21/02/2013 18:36

Yabu sorry

Having your baby for a couple of hours a day will limit what your Mum will be able to do etc...

And shouting at 4yr olds really doesn't tend to get the required result.

However, your Mum was out of order with her 'poor little sods' comment...just as you were with your retort.

Any chance of sorting out paid childcare?

Original poster
VitoCorleone · 21/02/2013 18:38

The unpleasant things i witnessed where from my alcoholic stepdad (domestic violance) but he's not there any more.

And i dont always shout at my 4 year old.

Also, i actually didnt even ask her to babysit; she just said not to expect it.

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 21/02/2013 18:38

If your mum has dependent children of her own, and is seeking a job, YABU in expecting her to provide childcare for you, you should look into a childminder.

Pigsmummy · 21/02/2013 18:40

I am with MissMoowhatshername. Yabu

Original poster
VitoCorleone · 21/02/2013 18:40

They will be going into paid childcare.

And if i became a childminder to my 14 year old sister while my mum was at work then how the fuck would i be able to work?

OP posts:
Original poster
VitoCorleone · 21/02/2013 18:42

She's not looking for a job, she doesnt want to work and doesnt have to now.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 21/02/2013 18:42

Did you have plans to get a job at the time?

Original poster
VitoCorleone · 21/02/2013 18:42

I mean, she had to find a job last year but didnt and doesnt have to now.

OP posts:
Original poster
VitoCorleone · 21/02/2013 18:44

Not at that moment i didnt, i was pregnant, but knew i wanted a job once baby was a bit older.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 21/02/2013 18:45

So your comment about you getting a job then is not relivant.

But feel free to continue with your

But but but but but but but but

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 21/02/2013 18:46

You clearly expected her to babysit though -

She would have only had the baby for a couple of hours a day and maybe not even that if i could work round DPs shifts.

She probably knew you were going to ask and thought she would save you the bother.

fuzzywuzzy · 21/02/2013 18:47

I don't think YABU, she asked you to mind your younger sister indefinitely which given your situation at the time you couldn't at the time and told her so.

Now you're looking for a job & she's taken the opportunity to get back at you for your previous refusal to care for her kids although you've not asked her to mind yours.

I'd ignore her, sort out your own child care & let her get on with it.

Original poster
VitoCorleone · 21/02/2013 18:49

But but but but but....

Whatever - ive just text her and said "ok im sorry, i was being unreasonable and petty"

She probably wont text back.

OP posts:
Original poster
VitoCorleone · 21/02/2013 18:51

Thank you Fuzzy - glad somebody sees my POV

Yeah well ive aplogised and being that my mum is very petty i probably wont hear from her for weeks now until she wants something

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 21/02/2013 18:51

So you're not upset that she pointed out your 4yr old gets shouted at, it's just that she used the word 'always', is that it?

NopeStillNothing · 21/02/2013 18:52

Yanbu if you didn't ask her. Sounds like she was just trying to get a sly dig in. I wouldn't have wanted to commit to looking after my two sisters every holiday either especially with my own dc and pregnant! Your Mum sounds a bit childish

But I agree that ( although it's none of her business) if your DM felt the need to comment on your shouting, you should consider that maybe you overdo it.

BlackMaryJanes · 21/02/2013 18:59

Am I the only person who doesn't get this comment:

"if you wanted to work you shouldn't have had kids"

YANBU. You were not in a fit state to offer childcare when she asked. And heck, she's your mother - not the other way around.

OP, is your mother normally like this?

IneedAsockamnesty · 21/02/2013 19:04

whatever

Op are you 14

ChairmanWow · 21/02/2013 19:20

In relation to caring for your siblings during the holidays, considering you were pregnant, already have a child and recently out of a relationship you weren't BU. Your mum's comments re not having kids if you want to work are clearly ridiculous.

But 2 hours a day is a lot to expect and like it or lump it, it's her life and she's within her rights to refuse to do it. I don't think it's reasonable for you to be resentful about it, just as she shouldn't have been resentful about your refusal.

Is there anyone to bang your heads together? It sounds like a relationship full of resentment.

Original poster
VitoCorleone · 21/02/2013 19:21

Worra im not upset that she pointed that out, thats a fair enough comment i suppose, its the "you shouldnt have had kids if you wanted to work" then "poor little sods, always getting shouted at"

She's insinuating that i dont care about my kids and saying i shouldnt get a job.

Yes she is always like this ALWAYS she is the most petty 50 year old woman ive ever known. When i was just 3 weeks away from giving birth she fell out with me because i didnt tell her that i had a mothers day card for her, it was mothers day and i hadnt seen her yet, she text me ranting and raving that i didnt care about her and that i could fuck off and ask DPs mum to look after my 3 year old when i went into labour.

OP posts:
FellatioNels0n · 21/02/2013 19:23

Do 14 year olds need child minders? Confused

NynaevesSister · 21/02/2013 19:28

I think people are missing that you never asked her for childcare.

YANBU

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