Not speaking to my mum AIBU?

[VitoCorleone]

Last year my mum was told by the jobcentre that she'd have to look for work, she was on her own at the time and has a 14 year old who has minor learning difficulties and an 8 year old. She was worried that if she got a job then in the holidays she wouldnt be able to put my 14 year old sister into childcare because of her age and my sister doesnt like being home on her own. So my mum asked me if id look after both kids during the holidays.

Now at the time she asked i was also on my own after a split with DP, i had a 3 year old, was pregnant with my second, i didnt drive and was already quite isolated, i thought it was unfair for my mum to put that on me and said i couldnt do it.

Fast forward to now, i have a job interview on Tuesday, and my mum has turned round and saud "well dont ask me to help with childcare, you wouldnt do it for me, and if you wanted to work you shouldnt have had kids"

My mum has never worked.

She would have only had the baby for a couple of hours a day and maybe not even that if i could work round DPs shifts.

She also insulted my parenting calling my children "poor little sods" who always get shouted at - my 4 year old gets shouted at coz he doesnt do a thing he's told.

So ive told her id rather them be shouted at than witness the stuff i had to as a child and now im not speaking to her.

AIBU here?

The 14 year old has some learning difficulties and gets scared being left on her own.

Another family member actually offered to look after her for my mum.

I think it was just too much to ask of me at the time. Now she's just using it to be spiteful

So OP, there has always been friction between you and your mum? Do you have any siblings?

The 14 year old has some learning difficulties and gets scared being left on her own.

Another family member actually offered to look after her for my mum.

I think it was just too much to ask of me at the time. Now she's just using it to be spiteful

Sorry for double post.

I didnt ask her to look after my kids, ok i might have thought she could have baby to bridge the gap between me going to work and DP finishing work or between me leaving and baby being at childminders, but i never actually asked her.

And she says im letting other people bring up my kids by putting them into childcare

I havent even got the fucking job yet.

Yes there has always been friction

Ooops I meant to say, do you have any other siblings? (other than the 2 you mentioned).

Can I ask a frank question? Do the pros of this relationship outweigh the cons?

No there are no other siblings, im the oldest.

I dont know about the pro's and con's, but we fall out every few months over petty things and it pisses me off that if im in the wrong i apologise, yet ive never NEVER in my life heard her say sorry to anyone - ever. She just sulks and doesnt speak to people until they forgive her or she worms her way back in

Have you ever considered going No Contact?

Yes, a few times. Ive thought of just cutting her out.

But then i end up feeling sorry for her as she doesnt really have anyone else apart from one of my cousins to chat to etc i end up feeling really guilty

I know where you're coming from OP.
I'm not talking to my DM either and although it's been less than a week I feel awful. I'm trying to stand my ground this time but the truth is I don't think she'll change even if I don't speak to her for a month.
She doesn't visit and, when she does, she can't wait to go back home. She even said so once. She stupidly promised my kids that she would come for Easter but then said that she couldn't. She has doe that before too! Then she said she would come for three days in March instead (because they were disappointed) and when I said it wasn't the same thing because they boys would be at school, she just lashed out. I then told her that if she can't be bothered to visit us when DH is away on business and I need help - or when the boys are off school - rather than when it suits HER, she may as well stay home.
I'm so with her. She's selfish and prefers her life of leisure and luxury to spending time with her grandchildren. I doubt she'll ever change though so question is do I put up with a selfish mother or do I cut her out?

Sorry for hijack

Its ok Bimba, i think my mum is selfish too, she even calls herself a 'lady of leisure' she does nowt all day

VC and Bimba, reading your posts there seems to be wrong on both sides Bimba'Don't bother visiting if she can't come when you need help ? of course she will come when it suits her when else is she supposed to come? Doesn't sound like either of you have respect for your mums? They may not deserve it but it does sound a bit whingy from what you've posted

Having seen more from you I can sympathise to some degree. My mum is pretty selfish too and if I stand up to her she complains to my brother (giving him half the story of course) and he then gets wound up and has a go at me. The example you gave of the mother's day card sounds deeply inconsiderate. It just doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and I guess you have to consider how much effort you want to put in.

Maybe you need to start asking some questions about her place in your life and what's best for you and your kids. I have a little contact with my own mum, mainly for the sake of my kids so they have a relationship with their gran. But I don't get involved with her games any more and feel a tonne better for it.

I've been no contact with my mother (who is a mirror of yours) since July. Best decision I ever made - for myself, and for my kids. Therapy has confirmed it.