Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To be upset my DH won't watch OBEM with me..?

68 replies

Guntie · 21/02/2013 12:13

I am 23 weeks and labour is on my mind... I asked my DH if he would watch last nights episode of OBEM with me and he flat refused.

It wasn't that he wanted to watch something else, he was just really rude about the show and said there was no way he was going to watch it.

The thing is that he can't handle blood/hospitals/needles/anything of the sort and its making me feel kind of anxious. Anxious that he won't be able to support me at the time and he won't know the first thing that is going on when we are in the hospital.

Also, I am fairly certain that he is pretty grossed out by pregnancy and birth and him refusing to watch the show felt like a real slap in the face. As if childbirth was so horrific I was being so unreasonable to try and get him to watch it with me.

He said he would read a book which is all well and good. It might contain all the information he needs, I don't know. But if it would make me feel more at ease if he just watched one episode with me, why wouldn't he?

AIBU to think he could have just watched the show with me if it would help me feel less anxious?

In the end he left the house a minute before the show started to make sure there was no chance he could be forced to watch any of it.

I fully accept I could be being unreasonable, as I am pregnant and am probably more sensitive than usual.

OP posts:

pictish · 21/02/2013 13:38

If there are wider issues, then perhaps it would help to discuss those?
We will be happy to listen xx

beenhereayear · 21/02/2013 13:41

My oh wouldn't want to watch it yet was great when I was in labour with all our three so I wouldn't worry. I also did just fine with no watching labour on TV experience.

lottiegarbanzo · 21/02/2013 13:48

YABU OBEM is not an ante-natal class, it is entertainment, of a sort.

He should read a book and accompany you to at least on class and/or hospital tour. That will help him support you. Watching emotional gore edited for mass entertainment will not. I would not watch it before giving birth myself. Not squeamish, not interested.

honeytea · 21/02/2013 13:50

honey I am so jealous...that would have been my ideal, I too couldn't bear to sit/lie down and spent 37 hours my labour on my feet or kneeling over the bed. I asked begged for an epidural but they had emergencies so understandably couldn't help me (I did end up with a full spinal in the end for emergency theatre but that's another story!) so I would of really loved that, will store it in the memory banks for next time smile

They wanted to give me oxytocin because my blood preasure was high and they wanted me to be dilating faster than I was, I refused the drip unless they gave me an epidural 1st. The epidurla dr was in the room in less than 10 mins.

I didn't even know about walking epidurals before the birth (I had been sticking my head in the sand and not htinking about the birth) I live in Sweden and they don't do normal epidurals only walking ones, when it went in and they said "you can stand up now" I was relaly supprised, I imagined I would be lieing on the bed.

DoJo · 21/02/2013 13:53

YABU - nothing on earth would make me want to watch it when I was pregnant or now, and there is a MASSIVE difference between watching some stranger wailing on TV and being a supportive partner at the birth of your own child. If anything, you insisting will probably make him feel worse about the whole thing as the stories they show often include women and babies having difficulties, which seems like the most terrifying thing in the world before you give birth, but when you are actually there in the moment you just take it in your stride, focus on the baby and get on with whatever you need to do to get them out safely.

lottiegarbanzo · 21/02/2013 13:55

My NHS classes did not show videos. They were designed to reassure and to include partners gently. We also went to an 'active birth workshop' at the hospital, which was a discussion with a Midwife about the equipment they have; pool, balls etc and at tour of the midwife-led unit. That was really helpful, mostly because the labour suite was then familiar.

shellshock7 · 21/02/2013 13:57

I'm jealous again then honey, when I'd been pushing for 4 hours and getting nowhere, the contractions slowed so they gave me the drip...no epidural tho! Makes mental note to move to Sweden before I give birth again

lottiegarbanzo · 21/02/2013 13:59

In the event I had a straightforward birth, kneeling up on the bed leaning against pillows (otherwise my lower back hurt), with TENS and gas and air only. DP was very good at putting on my TENS machine at home, then handing me water when asked, in hospital. Otherwise he sat in the comfy chair, near my head and felt like a bit of a spare part. He cut the cord and then did a good job of phoning relatives and texting friends. Not too gory for him!

honeytea · 21/02/2013 14:07

I'm jealous again then honey, when I'd been pushing for 4 hours and getting nowhere, the contractions slowed so they gave me the drip...no epidural tho! Makes mental note to move to Sweden before I give birth again grin

Just tell them you refuse the drip until lyou have the epidural :)

shellshock7 · 21/02/2013 14:12

Ha ha you are obviously stronger than me, I was so ruined by that point I would've done anything they told me!

Shagmundfreud · 21/02/2013 14:15

Get him to watch a couple of births on here

Like this one (only 7 minutes!) here . If he tries to move when it's on sit on his lap until it's finished.

OBEM can be VERY boring.

The births on Mybirthtv cut to the chase. And don't on the whole involve women lolling around crying in the stranded beetle position.

this is my favourite one. The mum shouting 'it's coming out my bum!' while the husband flaps around being scared. Community midwife stuck in traffic so next door neighbour (luckily a midwife) delivers baby. And all that excitement in 7 minutes. 7 minutes!

honeytea · 21/02/2013 14:15

I was only 5 cms so it hadn't been that long, I also told them if I needed a drip I wanted a c-Section because ds was huge so I think maybe tgey felt it was easier to keep me happy with an epidural than argue about a c-Section (that the Dr had already agreed I could have rather than use induction drugs) :)

AnnIonicIsoTronic · 21/02/2013 14:21

I accept I was a bit tightly wound on the issue pictish - but I still found it a useful tool to connect with my DH regarding worries I had about the pregnancy and birth.

The heat of the moment is all very well - but you only get to do it once - and it's a much happier start to parenthood if feel supported and united with your partner.

Discussing couples on OBEM is much less panicky than framing things in terms of "how would we handle it if our Dd was early" or "what if I have an emergency C section".

When I was preganant with Dd1 - OBEM didn't exist. The OBEM obsession kicked in while I was pregnant with DC3 & DC4 - so it helped as a way to de-brief on previous births too. I can point out to DH aspects that were similar to our experience.

For example, I had a it of a bee in my bonnet about being over-aggressively induced for DC1 when my BP went high (cue dipping heart rate, threat of C section and SCBU cot being wheeled into the corner of the room. ) . We could discuss what happened, and what the midwives might have feared might have happened, with reference to watching OBEM storylines with pre-eclampsia, with birth distress or with inductions. So in the event - DC4 induction I handled my way - I let them induce me to a point - but I flat refused to have my waters broken, and persuaded the consultant to agree. It helped that DH understood both my thoughts on this, and how the situation was likely to pan out.

DH - on the other hand - was traumatised by remembering when I had bled out after DC2. He said that when the midwife pressed the emergency alarm and six medics ran into the room he was terrified that he was losing me. OBEM precisely defuses the 'dead baby; dead mother' gremlin. There are a thousand little emergencies - but generally people pull through.

Maebe · 21/02/2013 14:22

I remember having a serious talk with DP when I was about 30w because he didn't want to talk about anything to do with labour or birth, he certainly wouldn't have watched anything like OBEM. He seemed to be pretending that labour wouldn't quite be part of the process. And this pissed me off, just as it sounds like it is pissing you off

Rather than keep sniping at him about it, I just had one calm conversation where I said to him that obviously during labour I was going to be relying on him to be calm, not panic, support me etc. To which end he should probably find out something about actual labours so that there wouldn't be too much that surprise him - so find out about forceps, c-secs etc. I didn't give a flying how he found it, he could watch videos, read a book, come to the NCT classes and pay attention (he couldn't automatically come as he worked shifts and needed to take the time off), I just wanted to feel confident that he wouldn't at some point during the birth go "jesus, what is that!" and then faint on me. He accepted my point.

So YANBU to want him to know something about real birth, but YABU to make him watch OBEM!

shellshock7 · 21/02/2013 14:22

Ah, bit different then...I had thought that if any subsequent labour goes the same way, I would know to ask for epidural early on...will defo enquire abt a walking epidural tho, thanks

BackforGood · 21/02/2013 14:32

Yup - YABU
OBEM is a TV show - it shows the extremes. If he is already a bit nervous about the birth, this is the last show to persuade him to watch.
When the time comes, he doesn't have to go anywhere near the business end, if he feels squeamish, you'll be much more likely to want him holding your hand / mopping your brow than getting n the midwifes way - he doesn't need to be inspecting anything he doesn't want to.
Even if he is struggling with the idea of the actual birth, that doesn't mean he's not looking forward to the years ahead of you as being a parent. Although it will be on your mind now, the actual birth is a tiny part of the journey ahead, just let him focus on that, not spending the next few months worrying and stressing about soemthing he can't really influence greatly.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 21/02/2013 14:41

I'm 3 months pregnant and I don't want to watch it!! I think it would have me reaching for a paper bag to hyperventilate into!

I'm quite happy with blissful ignorance for the time being (although I better change this attitude soon!)

givemeaclue · 21/02/2013 15:23

Well if you know in advance that he struggles with medical type stuff, watching obem is seriously not going to help with that. If you are worried about support at the hospital then consider a doula or friend/your mum. Don't forget you will have a midwife! Sounds like you are both very anxious, watch birth videos could make it worse. We weren't shown any at our ante natal lessons yet we all managed to give birth. If you want to watch them go ahead but I wouldn't be disappointed if you dh doesn't want to

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread