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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset my DH won't watch OBEM with me..?

68 replies

Guntie · 21/02/2013 12:13

I am 23 weeks and labour is on my mind... I asked my DH if he would watch last nights episode of OBEM with me and he flat refused.

It wasn't that he wanted to watch something else, he was just really rude about the show and said there was no way he was going to watch it.

The thing is that he can't handle blood/hospitals/needles/anything of the sort and its making me feel kind of anxious. Anxious that he won't be able to support me at the time and he won't know the first thing that is going on when we are in the hospital.

Also, I am fairly certain that he is pretty grossed out by pregnancy and birth and him refusing to watch the show felt like a real slap in the face. As if childbirth was so horrific I was being so unreasonable to try and get him to watch it with me.

He said he would read a book which is all well and good. It might contain all the information he needs, I don't know. But if it would make me feel more at ease if he just watched one episode with me, why wouldn't he?

AIBU to think he could have just watched the show with me if it would help me feel less anxious?

In the end he left the house a minute before the show started to make sure there was no chance he could be forced to watch any of it.

I fully accept I could be being unreasonable, as I am pregnant and am probably more sensitive than usual.

OP posts:
sheeplikessleep · 21/02/2013 12:44

DH doesn't watch it with me. I'd like him to watch it, just because I find it all so emotional viewing and would love to share that with him.

But it doesn't bother me that he refuses to watch it.

More worrying is that you're concerned how he will cope when you are in labour. You need to talk to him and explain to him you're a bit worried about it. Could you do something else, say go to antenatal classes together? It's more the support / worrying how he will cope that you need to stop (although I'm sure he will come through on the day and amaze you with how strong he will be).

TBH as well, I do find the programme is becoming more over-dramatic, there seem more high risk cases being shown, or those with a history of still born. I know this happens, but I do also think if he is nervous around it all, then watching OBEM might not be representative of how often it does happen.

HappyJoyful · 21/02/2013 12:45

There's a fine balance you need to strike. Don't be upset or hurt that he wont watch the show with you, I'm sure it's not a reflection of how he will be on your day(s).

I know I dwelt on things a lot when pregnant and I had 'romantic' notions of the perfect partner massaging me lovingly, cutting the chord blah, blah all the time whilst I know full well he was much more thinking - I'll be down the pub, call me when it's done!! Certainly in generations gone by this was the norm.

I don't think it's fair to expect him to watch something that he doesn't feel comfortable with (or plainly isn't interested in) Concentrate on what role you think he'll be comfortable with on the day and encourage him and at the end of the day, as a wise friend said to me, the person you want to be listening to is the midwife anyway. Don't set unreasonable expectations of what he will be doing or what support he will be able to give you and I'm sure you'll pleasantly surprised. I vaguely had a back up plan in my mind that if it did get really difficult or I felt I needed more support blah blah then I would have phoned a friend to come and join us. In the end there was no need and it was all ok.

I've friends that couldn't stand the idea of their husbands being there - view that their sex life would never be the same again once he'd seen her 'in that way' and employed a doula.. again a personal choice and one you may consider if you do want someone to support you in a specific way instructed by you.

Good luck! Sure it will all be fine.

Bejeena · 21/02/2013 12:46

I think my husband is finding it more useful than me, but we have only watched a couple. He says he surprised that it does actually help him see what to expect. For example last time he watched it he said he was glad he saw that the baby will be blue when s/he comes out, it might have freaked him out if he didn't know that. Bless him!

To be honest I don't think watching it has helped me that much though I am just trying not to think about it. The midwives have said not to make any sort of plan or have any expectations.

But I think YABU to be cross at him for not wanting to watch it. Is not everyones kind of programme really, he is probably anxious about it too you know!

CinnabarRed · 21/02/2013 12:48

If he truly can't cope with hospitals/blood/needles then I think the best thing you can do is to have a serious conversation with him about whether he can handle being with you during your birth. Because if he really can't, you need to line up some other support.

I have a friend whose DH confessed to her that he just couldn't do it, and it gave her time to line up another friend as her birth partner. It was the best thing he could have done.

Crinkle77 · 21/02/2013 12:50

Thing is if he watches the show it might put him off even more then he might say he does not want to be there at all

RedwingOnFire · 21/02/2013 12:50

It's not great that he's like that. However, given your worries about the whole thing perhaps you should think about having someone there who can support you, a mum/sister/close friend. I don't think you can rely on the romantic idea as espoused upthread that he will suddenly come through for you because if he doesn't, what will happen?

pictish · 21/02/2013 12:51

At the risk of being a bit sexist - it's not a bloke's show is it?
Women watch OBEM, men don't.

Women are interested in the nitty gritty of labour...men aren't. Unless it's the fruit of their own loins making an appearance, they're not arsed.

loubielou31 · 21/02/2013 12:54

You can't make him watch it just because you want him to. He doesn't need to it is not going to prepare him (or you for that matter) any better for the birth of your child. In fact if anything watching someone he doesn't know in all that pain is going to make him even more anxious about being there when it's you who he loves and cares for going through it.
My DH was amazing during both my labours. He was adamant that he was staying near my head and going nowhere near the business end and that suited me. He was there to hold my hand, mop my brow and just support me. Watching OBEM was not going to prepare him for it and there is no way he would ever watch it.
If you have concerns talk to him and your midwife rather than watching a TV programme which would have scared the hell out of me if I'd seen it before giving birth.

rodandtheemu · 21/02/2013 12:59

Just because he dosnt want to watch OBEM dosnt mean he wont be able to be supportive when OP goes in to labour - nonsence!

honeytea · 21/02/2013 13:00

honeytea hope u dont mind me asking, how did that work out, I was lay on my back with my other two a loooooooong time ago. Really want to be active this time and not on bed at all.

I didn't really intend to be upright so much but when I was in labour the pain was 20 times worse if I was sitting down or lieing down. My ds was big (10 pounds) and i think it was my body's way of getting him out, I really don't think I could have done it without intervention if I was not upright.

I had a "walking epidural" which is basically a not so strong epidural that only numbs your tummy so you can still walk and still feel the pushing feeling. Really it was very weak and I still needed to use gas and air but the combination of the walking epidural and g+a was perfect for me.

I used a special standing frame, like a walking frame but with arm rests at chest height so you can lean on it when a contraction came, I also was on my knees for a while (I was 10 cm open but ds's head took ages to come down) I pushed him out on a birthing stool which is like a wooden stool with a horseshoe shaped seat, DP sat behind me and held me.

I did have to lie down a few times to have a canula put in and to have the epidural put in and I was hysterical, the pain when upright was barable.

good luck :)

honeytea · 21/02/2013 13:03

Another thing that might help him is to have practical things to do to help you. Our midwife showed us different ways that the DP can put preasure on your back and hips in birth that helps, my DP really benifited having something to concentrate on and it was good for him to feel like he was doing something proactive to help :)

MyXhasAchipM1ssing · 21/02/2013 13:04

I have had two kids and i cant watch that show.

rodandtheemu · 21/02/2013 13:04

AND to be honest, there is not much DFs can do..they only get in the bloody way any way and need to be there to support the mother, they are not going to deliver the baby its self.

No book or tv program will ever prepare you for birth. Go to anti natel and listen to the advice of your mid wifes and dont put too much pressure on your selfs.

HamAlive · 21/02/2013 13:08

DH was a brilliant birth partner but he refused to watch OBEM before we had DS and still won't watch it now, 2 years on. Tbh if you are feeling anxious then there are better things you could watch. I'm sure there are some decent, actually informative videos of labour and birth you could watch together. Or just let him read the book and come to antenatal class.

rodandtheemu · 21/02/2013 13:12

honeytea thanks for the post, that sounds (hopefully) what i want. I didnt even know you could have a walking epi. I start antinatel classes begining of march so should find out more then.

Good idea about DP as even though he is a bear of a man he will be in bits about me/baby...to be fair im more worried about him ha ha!

AnnIonicIsoTronic · 21/02/2013 13:13

Yanbu - I completely get where you are coming from - when I was pregnant dh not only had to watch it with me, but had his head bitten off if he so much as fiddled with his phone while it was on.

Its like a role playing type therapeutic experience, to 'walk through' your fears. It is emotionally safer to visualise and get your head round these things in the third person. Every birth is different - and reading a book on what is expected might end up with a more panicked OH when the actual baby deviates from the average experience in any way. OBEM shows dramatic things happening - health scares, c sections, scbu preemies, forceps - but then shows you that people do come out the other side. It's terrifying but OK.

AnnIonicIsoTronic · 21/02/2013 13:18

(tbf DH is also very cool about the show - although he wryly calls it the 'bad dad' show because of some of the unsupportive twats stressed new fathers being tossers . He reckons its worth him watching it , because I'm always super appreciative afterwards that I haven't married a fuckwit.)

Losingexcessweight · 21/02/2013 13:22

OBEM is over rated.

Its not a good thing to use that as a example of labour.

I never worried about labour when i was pregnant (i have one dd)

I ended up being induced, 22 hour labour with an EMC at the end.

No amount of preparation can ensure a good experience, your best off just not even thinking about it and going with the flow when the time comes

Lafaminute · 21/02/2013 13:22

I love it - I've had two kids (dh there, more or less, for both) and dh HATES OBEM and refuses to even be in the room while its on.....

pictish · 21/02/2013 13:23

My dh doesn't mind it either...he cocks half an eye at it if I'm watching, and has something to say about it during every edition....but he'd certainly never switch it on if he were alone in the house.

Not wanting to watch OBEM is NO indication of an unsupportive partner at all.

I am Shock at Annionic who not only made her dh watch it, but even went to the bother of giving him a row for fiddling with his phone during it!!
You sound like a scary woman!!!

honeytea · 21/02/2013 13:27

rodandtheemu here is some info on them www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Epidural-anaesthesia/Pages/Whatitisusedfor.aspx

I think one of the disadvatages is that they are fairly unpredictable and sometimes you might not be able to walk.

Original poster
Guntie · 21/02/2013 13:36

Thank you everyone.

I guess I'll just give up and leave him be.

I wanted to go to antenatal classes but they have birth videos in them and so he wants to do private ones at home where there are no videos. They seem fairly pricey so I am not really sure if we will do them.

I suppose this issue is just part of wider things which kind of upset me regarding his attitude to pregnancy and childbirth.

Thanks for your help Thanks

OP posts:
shellshock7 · 21/02/2013 13:37

honey I am so jealous...that would have been my ideal, I too couldn't bear to sit/lie down and spent 37 hours my labour on my feet or kneeling over the bed. I asked begged for an epidural but they had emergencies so understandably couldn't help me (I did end up with a full spinal in the end for emergency theatre but that's another story!) so I would of really loved that, will store it in the memory banks for next time Smile

shellshock7 · 21/02/2013 13:38

guntie our NHS classes didn't show birth videos Smile