To my life on hold until I've lost weight?

[Rachtoteach]

Ladies, I need your advice/opinion please....

I have fought with my weight for as long as I can remember. I have 3 kids, youngest is 5 months, I'm 5ft2, 12st2.5 (ouch) and am a size 16. I seem to have developed an attitude of 'what's the point in making an effort with clothes, nice underwear, hair, make up... Until I'm slim'. So I don't. On the rare occasions I buy new clothes I almost punish myself for being fat by buying unfeminine clothes that I don't even like. I browse the lovely (matching!) underwear and think to myself there is no point in buying it. However..... on the very few occasions I get 'dolled up' to go out, perhaps for a meal with hubby or cinema with a friend, I feel pretty good and hubby continually compliments me when I have made these efforts.

So anyway I was having a moan yesterday about not having any nice clothes. Hubby said feel free to take £100 out of our account and buy some new clothes. I thought about it, thanked him for the thought but said I'll do that when I've lost a couple of stone.

Now I'm sitting here thinking that I've been trying (or not) to lose this '2 stone' for 8+ years!! I know I have not done so many things because of my weight : the clothes, not meeting up with friends ('will do it in a few months when I've lost the weight'...)

I 'feel' ok, I look in the mirror and I am neither over the moon with what I see nor am I disgusted. I almost feel I/other people (one particularly weight obsessed friend springs to mind) have conditioned my mind to believe, despite what I feel, I must not rest until I am size 10, a certain weight, blah blah blah.

What I would love more than anything is to knock this on the head once and for all. I would love to be 'allowed' (by myself and others) to be accepting of myself as I am, to live a normal life eating family meals and doing a little exercise. This is who I am, why am I constantly punishing myself and depriving myself of nice things, putting my life on hold...

AIBU to want to break this cycle? Any advice on first steps, thoughts etc.... sorry waffling, sorry if its trivial, it feels good to get it all down. Xx

You want to be slim, that is obvious from your post but now you have to make sure you want it enough to do something about it.

I am the same height as you and many many years ago was also about 12 stone. I lost weight and now for 14 years have kept it off. I changed my attitude towards food to me it never is a treat, just an essential part of life. Of course I still enjoy it and still go overboard sometimes. But there are habits there that you have to sometimes change for life to get a new attitude. I no longer eat crisps on a daily basis, they are a treat and I appreciate them much more.

So basically I am saying join WW, or slimming world whichever will work for you but give it your absolute ALL. Buy the stuff, spend the money on it and you will then stick to it.

One of my friends is the most well dressed, stylish woman I know and she is a size 22+.

First steps would be - get a really nice hair cut. Start wearing lipgloss every day so it becomes habit then progress to bit more make up. Start wearing nice scarves and wear earrings every day. Once all that is habit then it's easier to move on ime.

Take the £100 and sign up for a slimming class. I started Slimming World 6 weeks ago and have lost a stone already. I've been putting it off for years as I thought I would hate it. I do, but I hate being fat more.

I'm the same as you. I will wait until I am a healthy weight to do things like buy clothes, get hair done.

I just wish I could be happy being fat but I am miserable. The worst thing for me is years ago I lost over 5 stone and kept it off until I got an injury and then I had a minor stroke. So a lot (not all) of the weight went back on as I couldn't exercise. I really want to get back to that and feeling good.

On the plus side I am getting there. I have a stone and a half before I get to the top of my healthy weight and 2 stone to get to my goal. I know I can do it. I just wish I could live my life to the full while I am making the weight come off.

YANBU. I've had the same lightbulb moment lately. I asked over in S&B about wearing skinny jeans at size 16 recently and the concensus was do it, they look fine.

It doesn't have to be expensive. The ones most people recommended on my thread were Primark, and as there isn't one nearby I've got a couple of pairs on eBay for a fiver each. A couple of posters kindly offered me tops that are now too big and I've got a couple more, and some cardis also on eBay. I bought a couple of layering tips and vests for BFing from Gap which were a good price and decent quality.

I will, if I do lose some weight, or if I get to a particular point by this time next year and haven't lost any, spend more money on good quality stuff in the size I am, whatever that is.

I'm selling my maternity and BFing clothes as, four months postnatal, they're doing nothing for my confidence and people keep mistaking me for a pregnant woman.

layering tops, not tips.

You should take the money he offered & buy something that flatters you then get your hair done :-). It's better to feel comfortable in your own skin than always on a diet. Some of us just aren't meant to be size 10's but that doesn't mean you can't look/feel great P.s your hubby sounds lovely :-)

You might find yourself more motivated to live a healthier lifestyle if you are happier with the way you look? I say spend the money on some nice new clothes that make you feel good about yourself.

So what you're saying is you haven't bothered to lose this weight in 8+ years, and can't be bothered to do it now, so would just like to accept yourself as you are now?

If that's truly what you want, then that's great, go for it. But I don't think it is. I think it will be a lot easier for you to lose the weight than it will be to stay as you are, having been unhappy as you are for as long as you have been, and pretend to be happy as you are now.

Coming from someone who was once 6 stone overweight, trust me. Playing the "oh I'm happy like this, it's who I am" card just doesn't work long term. Why should you be happy with being overweight? It's not how anybody is supposed to be. Same for underweight.

I get what you are saying, I get you don't want to let this issue rule your life any more, but I don't think just putting up with it is the way to go. I don't mean any of this to sound harsh or unkind if it does.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

Why are you overweight? If low self esteem is causing you to overeat, then depriving yourself of nice clothes/a good haircut is actually conspiring to keep you overweight, as until you feel you 'deserve' to be slimmer, you'll continue to overeat. Do you see where I'm going? Spending some money on yourself, making yourself feel good and more positive about yourself could be the spur you need to start taking diet/exercise more seriously or to address the underlying issues causing your weight problem. It's always easier to tackle a problem from a point of positivity.

FWIW, I used to have a friend who was a size 16-18 and she always looked far nicer than size 10 me. She knew how to make the best of her features and aways dressed very stylishly and flatteringly for her size and shape.

Don't put your life on hold for anything. Buy the clothes, feel good. Meet the friends, have fun etc. And if you do try again to lose the weight, you may find coming to it from a different place (i.e. where it isn't assuming this huge importance of being a precondition to living a certain kind of life) helps you.

And I think stepping back from discussing it with your weight-obsessed friend sounds like a good idea.

It is really never good to be hung up on being a particular dress size, which (especially nowadays) is almost arbitrary. I've never been and will never be a size 10 (not least because my shoulders and bust would never fit into that size), and making that my goal would just be a way to sabotage myself and feel unhappy.

Yes I'm like you. I have all my 12-14 clothes stored away and live in tight 16 cheap clothes which aren't really my style.
I used to be known for my dress sense but not any more.
It's so frustrating as you want to get the weight off but too lazy to do it.
I have been going to the gym regularly for a month now and definitely looking and feeling better so am trying hard with food but focussing on shaping up more.
I do have lovely hair and am clever with make up too.
I find if I feel good I'm more likely to make better food choices.

I agree with leavethebstid.

It does sound from
Your post that you are not happy being the weight you are. I know from experience that going clothes shopping and finding nothing that flatters or fits nice is soul destroying.

I joined weight watchers at the beginning of the year and lost nearly a stone in six short weeks. That's six weeks of your life to make a real difference to how you honestly feel about yourself.

I'm not the size I want to be yet but boy my confidence has rocketed and my clothes are looking great on me again.

Have a hard think about what you really want but if it was me I'd spend half on joining up to a slimming club and keep the other half to treat yourself to some new undies when you've lost your first stone (in six weeks if you follow the plan).

find an active hobby that you enjoy and spend the money on that. Also on good food, eaten in reasonable quantities. Slimming classes are just statements of the obvious and rarely work long-term - that's how they make their money.

dress up and make an effort if you enjoy that (I hate shopping and wearing makeup but that's me). Forget the label in the knickers, change your lifestyle and enjoy. You are a bit big but you aren't THAT bad, it's achievable.

After 10 years of battling my weight, yoyo dieting and eventually creeping up to 14st 6 ( ) I have learned that I cannot lose the weight properly until I learn to love my body as it is. So last year I resolved to dress up when I wanted to, not shy away from the nice clothes/make-up/accessories and also went for a boudoir photo shoot (not to everyone's tastes but I loved every minute).

Since I've reconditioned myself to be happy as a size 18, I've found it much easier to lose weight. I joined Slimming World in January to boost the loss, and since my heaviest in September have lost just over a stone and my size 16 clothes are starting to feel a little loose. I've taken the pressure off myself and am losing weight because I'm enjoying it rather than because I desperately want to change myself. My mindset now is about treating my body properly rather than filling it full of rubbish food. Weight loss is just a happy by-product of that.

YADNBU. You might want to check out the Health at every size movement, which believes in aiming for healthy behaviors (plenty of movement, nutritious diet) rather than a specific weight on the scale. The idea is that aiming to lose weight is counterproductive; even if people choose a sensible weight loss program they generally gain it back again within 5 years, then they get discouraged and give up on the healthy behaviors too. HAES is about doing the healthy behaviors for their own sake, and for your own enjoyment.

You could also look at the fat acceptance movement, which is about fighting discrimination and social stigma. This post, the fantasy of being thin is very relevant to what you posted.

Agree with Smite. More than 50% of the UK population is overweight. Most of them would rather be slimmer but can't do it, for whatever reason, so realistically, you might well never lose the weight (dont want to be negative, but flick over to the weightloss forum and look at the attrition rate on those threads).

It also sounds like you think you ought to mind being a size 16, but actually, you really dont. On that basis, be happy with how you are now- buy yourself some nice clothes and rock that look. Don't put your life on hold- You're a long time dead.

I think the posters telling you to try to lose weight are missing the point. It isn't an either/or proposition. Buy yourself something that makes you feel good. Go to John Lewis and get a personal shopper to help you choose a few things that you can wear most days that will lift your style and mood. If you feel inclined, start to make a few small changes in your diet. As you feel better about yourself, you can continue to make those small changes. But dieting as a punitive measure is never good motivation.
Your weight is not a reflection of your self worth. You deserve good things now. You will deserve good things when you are slimmer. Don't deny yourself something because your weight makes you feel unworthy. If you want to, by all means make an effort to lose weight. But it isn't worth being miserable in the meantime. You may be like me, always wishing you we're five pounds lighter, never satisfied. If that's your attitude, when will you allow yourself to be happy? These are the questions I'm asking myself at the moment.

I was going to say what so many others have said: if you love yourself (or if you can't, pretend to) and dress yourself up a little, you will, paradoxically, lose weight.
The biggest pair of trousers I ever owned were only worn for about 2 weeks. I had spent months or years rotating the same few sacks I could fit into, and finally just thought "fuck it I want new clothes". I bought the trousers, wore them, find myself feeling a lot perkier, eating less, walking more, and in two weeks they were too big.

Buy yourself something lovely and have some fun - but not too dear because you won't need them long.

Good luck

If you are already thinking that you don't deserve nice things because you are fat, then there is probably a little voice in the back of your mind saying that you shouldn't even bother losing the weight anyway because the nice clothes wouldn't look right on you no matter what size you are, which makes you miserable so you eat some crap to make you feel better - and then round you go again.

Take the money and go and get some nice stuff, get your hair done, or whatever you want to do with it. If you don't feel good about yourself, then any weight loss in unlikely to be long term

I would honestly say go spend the money. I did just this before Xmas when I hit size 18 having had the i-don't-deserve anything mentality for years.

It was wonderful to feel nice. OK still fat but a bit trendier - I looked far better than in the old clothes. It was just george from asda but meant I got a lot for 100 quid.

It gave me such a boost. Made me feel better about myself than I have in a long time. So at 12st 9lb I started the diet on Jan 1st. Am now 11st 4lb - done exercise 2-3 times a week, not eaten crap and it's working.

Download the Libra app and weigh yourself every day. I know all the advice is once a week but the everyday thing works best for me.

Do it. You owe it to your kids. (That motivates me). Best of luck.

OP at 5 foot 2 and 12 stone 2 you have a BMI of over 30 and are technically obese. I mention this because that is exactly the BMI I had 6 months ago when I became technically obese.

I had spent 16 years of my life faffing about my weight while it crawled up and up. Thinking all the things you describe about wanting to be slim, and it not being worth looking good until I was etc.

But now I suddenly looked up and I had a baby and I was obese.

And I thought my baby deserves to have her mother around in 20 years time. It wasn't about looks, or feeling up or feeling down, it was about living long enough to be there for my baby as she grew up.

After 16 years of failing it has so far taken 6 months to lose 3 stone and get my BMI in the normal range. I will keep going till my BMI is 22.

It is fantastically hard to lose weight, and maybe you need a better reason than to look or even feel better....and maybe that reason could be to be there for your children's weddings etc...

I'm the same height as you and weigh more.

You have to be ready to lose weight. I am and started slimming world 6 weeks ago. I think it's a great diet and enjoy the group. But I was so ready to do it and am 100 per cent committed to it.

Give it a try if your ready but if not go shopping!

Not sure if this will be helpful or not. When I was 18 I met a friend, she was overweight and quite short, but I never commented, because it was not my business. She also seemed happy being the shape she was.

Some 20 years later, after 2 children, she went to buy new jeans and was horrified to find she was a size 20. We don't live close to each other, so I was amazed a few months later to find out that this had spurred her to join WW. She is now (after 3rd child) a size 8, and regularly goes running. She looks fantastic (and in my opinion a lot better than before). She is also healthier and happier.

But it was her choice. So OP I would either go and spend the £100 on some nice clothes that fit, or maybe go spend a bit of it on joining WW....over to you!