To my life on hold until I've lost weight?

[Rachtoteach]

Ladies, I need your advice/opinion please....

I have fought with my weight for as long as I can remember. I have 3 kids, youngest is 5 months, I'm 5ft2, 12st2.5 (ouch) and am a size 16. I seem to have developed an attitude of 'what's the point in making an effort with clothes, nice underwear, hair, make up... Until I'm slim'. So I don't. On the rare occasions I buy new clothes I almost punish myself for being fat by buying unfeminine clothes that I don't even like. I browse the lovely (matching!) underwear and think to myself there is no point in buying it. However..... on the very few occasions I get 'dolled up' to go out, perhaps for a meal with hubby or cinema with a friend, I feel pretty good and hubby continually compliments me when I have made these efforts.

So anyway I was having a moan yesterday about not having any nice clothes. Hubby said feel free to take £100 out of our account and buy some new clothes. I thought about it, thanked him for the thought but said I'll do that when I've lost a couple of stone.

Now I'm sitting here thinking that I've been trying (or not) to lose this '2 stone' for 8+ years!! I know I have not done so many things because of my weight : the clothes, not meeting up with friends ('will do it in a few months when I've lost the weight'...)

I 'feel' ok, I look in the mirror and I am neither over the moon with what I see nor am I disgusted. I almost feel I/other people (one particularly weight obsessed friend springs to mind) have conditioned my mind to believe, despite what I feel, I must not rest until I am size 10, a certain weight, blah blah blah.

What I would love more than anything is to knock this on the head once and for all. I would love to be 'allowed' (by myself and others) to be accepting of myself as I am, to live a normal life eating family meals and doing a little exercise. This is who I am, why am I constantly punishing myself and depriving myself of nice things, putting my life on hold...

AIBU to want to break this cycle? Any advice on first steps, thoughts etc.... sorry waffling, sorry if its trivial, it feels good to get it all down. Xx

I know I'm going to sound like a voice from the 70s, but have you tried reading 'Fat is a Feminist Issue'? Helped me totally rethink my relationship with food and with my own body, and I was then able to lose three stone. That was a while ago, I've had the kids since and regained some weight, so I just read it again and joined Slimming World - agree that SW is a great diet, totally sustainable, but only if you're ready to lose the weight and what it means to you.

To get back to your actual question, why not spend the money but include some great accessories that you can enjoy wearing now but still wear once the weight is off?

Whether you choose to diet or not, and don't feel pressured into it, please realise that your self-worth should not be tied into your weight. You have devalued yourself for a long time. Listen to the compliments you get from your husband when you invest some effort into looking after yourself. He clearly finds you attractive as you are.

If you want to lose weight or are ready to them go for it! If not then, well, go for it! Treat yourself. You say you feel good when you doll up a bit. If that's what makes you feel good then maybe try and motivate yourself to do it more. The main thing is that you get yourself out of this rut.

YANBU, I know how you feel. I'm the same height, and am actually heavier, at 13st 6 (my weight as of yesterday's Slimming World meeting). I've only gone to one meeting so far but am finding Slimming World really easy to follow, and I really enjoyed being able to talk to other people who understood how I felt.

I'd like to lose 5 stone, and I've decided that for every half stone, I'm going to get myself something nice, like a new top, pair of jeans, or something for my ice skating (the main form of exercise I get), like a pair of skating trousers etc.

I'm actually really looking forward to Wednesday night, to see if the plan is working, and just to be in that really supportive environment again.

That said, you do have to be ready to do it, but if you are, then find a plan that works for you, and go for it. And agree with others, take the money, get some lovely flattering clothes, it will make you feel SO much better, then you'll be in a good place to tackle the weight loss journey :)

Stop being so hard on yourself. Treat yourself to some nice clothes, make up, underwear etc, new haircut. It will make you feel nice , more confident etc. I'm the same height and have always been on the chunky size although thinner now since I had the kids oddly, think its all the running about after them. I like to look well turned out as it makes feel good, not over the top, bit of mascara and lip gloss, boots skinny jeans, nice tops, scarf always a nice jacket, got a thing about jackets. Don't get me wrong not the most confident person in the world, always run my choice of new clothes past my skinny, trendy 14 year old niece, who will tell you if your bum is to big in this. I found since being kinder to myself I like myself a whole lot more and found motivation to loss more weight, its an ongoing thing, just one of those people who puts weight on really easily.

YABU to put your life on hold, absolutely of course you are.

I would suggest you lose weight when you are good and ready, but in the meantime, please don't put your life on hold, no one should do that!

Buy some new clothes, go out and enjoy yourself, do it as much as possible, why not?!

moaning about being overweight is a pretty pointless activity that just lowers your self esteem more and you get into a downward spiral. either accept the weight that you are - size 16 is something i aspire to so dont think its that big, buy nice clothes and make the best of what you have or do something about your weight. join slimming world go to zumba swim walk whatever. sitting around moping about it wont see the weight come off. it took years to go on and it will take a while to get it off but if you go into dieting with the "its a marathon not a sprint" mentality then this time next year you will be where you want to be. 4stone off so far in 9 months with 2.5 to go so i know where you are coming from.

I'm 5 foot, 11 stone and a size 16 too. Over the years I've been a size 8 right up to size 34.

Live your life. Buy nice clothes, get your hair done, put a bit of lippy on. What's important is YOU, not what you look like. I wear what I want, even those tailored shorts and I think I look ok most of the time. I do have fat days and ugly days but you know what.. I am who I am take it or leave it. I find that if I'm more relaxed about myself, then I don't seem to gravitate to the comfort eating and just naturally eat healthily.

Not sure if that's helpful at all but I hope you get what I meant?

You can look lovely at any size IMO. Decent haircut, new makeup and some nice clothes and you'd be transformed. Stop putting it off, just do it! You can still work on losing weight, but no need to be a frump while you do it.

The problem with putting things off till tomorrow is tomorrow never comes, in 24 hours it won't be tomorrow it'll just be another today.

If you are eating too much because your self esteem is low then you are going to struggle to lose weight. Get yourself a nice hair cut, pluck your brows, shave off the hairy bits, give yourself a manicure and pedicure, invest a little time every day into looking your best. Then go out and get a couple of well fitting trousers or skirts and some flattering tops, you don't need loads you can dress it up with a few accessories.

You've got to forget the word diet and think about lifestyle, slow steady changes that you can sustain will get the weight off and keep in off. Most of us are not stupid, we know what is good and what is bad for us. Look at your portion sizes, fruit and veg can generally be unlimited but find out what proper portions of things like dairy, carbs and protein are. Avoid 'diet' food as it is often loaded with sugar. Aim to make a little change every day, maybe eating a proper healthy breakfast, when that becomes habit add another change. Same with exercise, slow steady build up. Allow yourself the occasional treat and actually enjoy it. It is better to allow yourself a couple of biscuits and to really taste and enjoy them than try to restrict altogether, you'll only end up inhaling the whole pack.

Part of the problem is we all like instant gratification, a chocolate bar gives you that, the promise of new clothes in X months does not. Slobbing about in trackies is disrespecting yourself, you won't gain any motivation to change doing this, so start with the easy stuff and give yourself a boost.

YANBU to want to break the cycle. You sound like you have a lovely, supportive DH .

My advice is think of Gok and what he'd say. Look at all the makeover's he's done for all shapes and sizes - it's all about the confidence and being nice to yourself. If you 'treat' yourself now, improve the outward image (haircut, nice clothes etc) and thereby giving yourself a boost, you are more likely to to stick at some sensible exercise and sensible eating plan.

When you lose weight, your treat will be some new clothes then. Don't hold back, life is far too short. Be kind to yourself to encourage yourself. All stick and no carrot isn't very motivating and certainly is no fun.