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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have asked for financial help from boyfriend??

69 replies

EyePlunge · 21/02/2013 09:43

My partner sold his house last year and has been pretty much living between his mother's house and my house ever since. He pays board weekly to his mum but since Christmas has been living at my house 6 nights a week. He pays me nothing at all despite eating here every day/night and using all my utilities. So basically he's living free right now and his savings are increasing nicely in his bank whilst I'm struggling to pay for everything. He earns over £30k a year (which is a lot around here) and I'm a student on a bursary. When he first started living here I asked him to make the odd contribution towards groceries etc and he said that was fine - however he's yet to do that. He'll bring in the odd pint of milk or loaf of bread but he never contributes to the actual grocery shop. I was pissed off last night. He said he was going to make me a cake and would I go to asda with him to buy the stuff - I assumed he was buying it!! But no, we got to the till and he asked me to go halfs with him for the £8 it cost.

So anyway it came to a head last night when he asked me how much money I can save up in the next 6 months to put towards a deposit for a house. I said I was struggling somewhat so probably not a lot. He got a face on so I said "to be honest, the only reason you can save so much is because you're not paying for anything, you don't have rent, mortgage, bills - even food to pay for. On the other hand, I'm paying for everything, maybe if you contributed more, I'd be able to save more?" this was met with a "woah it's all coming out now! so you've resented me being here all this time! you never ask me for any money, I'm not a mind reader!"

AIBU to think he shouldn't need to be asked?? it's common sense!!! Surely anyone with half a conscience would realise they should be contributing to the household they're living in, especially if you earn much more than they do and have no other outgoings??

OP posts:

Olympic212 · 28/02/2013 22:38

i also believe that matters of expectations between two people are never common sense and should be discussed and agreed so that both parties understand what is expected of them.

Olympic212 · 28/02/2013 23:24

with the very limited information relayed i am surprised that you have had some very bitter responses about him. The profanity seems unnecessary and the assumptions based on limited information is just crazy. someone above indicated that he is putting you in the firing line of as a consequence of his previous relationships. I wonder is this comment came from the same background.

There is clearly insufficient information to make any of these sorts of judgements.

Sorry to message again but only read half the messages (didnt realise there were pages of it) and felt that was worth mentioning.

So have you kicked him out or tried communicating with him to agree terms that you would be agreeable to or none of the above? Good luck

MusicalEndorphins · 01/03/2013 01:08

A real man would pay his way, plus. He should be picking up groceries, or not eat there. As far as you "taking him to the cleaners" tell him you would want a prenuptial agreement anyway to protect both of your interest. The nerve of him thinking that of you, while he is scrounging off of you.

ParsleyTheLioness · 01/03/2013 08:10

Cupid suggested contributions to the household should have been discussed before he started staying 6 nights a week...but maybe he didn't start off with this. A night here, an odd night there, when 'it's only one night, it doesn't make much difference'. Then it gradually kept up to 6 nights. Actually I think 6 nights is significant. The one night with his mother allows him to believe on some level he is not 'living with' the OP completely, and is probably not an accident.

niceguy2 · 01/03/2013 09:27

Naturally the 'dump the bastard' crowd have come out in force.

To be honest yes he should have been thoughtful enough to have offered without being asked.

That said, if you haven't asked either despite the fact you've been struggling until the resentment built up and you explode then that doesn't bode well for communication between you either.

What's done is done, draw a line under it and have a sensible conversation about what he should contribute and take it from there.

I agree you need to be a bit wary about a guy who is at best so thoughtless and at worst possibly cocklodging but there's not enough info to automatically conclude that you should 'dump the bastard'.

signorapacino · 01/03/2013 09:34

What a prize ass get rid now. No adult needs to be a mind reader to work out they are eating off a student for free!!!!!

Adversecamber · 01/03/2013 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doctorhamster · 01/03/2013 09:52

He should be paying towards everything as he is pretty much living with you full time. Its time for a serious talk I think. He either pays his way or he's back to his mums.

AThingInYourLife · 01/03/2013 11:58

I love how he thinks he was doing you a favour by spongeing off you for months.

Just find a nicer man. There are lots of them.

Even the thing of offering to make you a cake and then forcing you to pay for half of it is enough to know he's not a keeper.

PureQuintessence · 01/03/2013 12:00

He hates how his ex took him to the cleaners, but he has been doing that to you for months, yet HE thinks you will do that to him if you buy together?

He is a sponging dick. Get rid.

foreverondiet · 01/03/2013 12:03

Massive red flags, esp the £8 food shopping.

Why is he paying board to his mum if he staying and eating at yours 6 nights a week?

Olympic212 · 01/03/2013 20:35

there must be some reason he has been led to believe it is alright to sponge. I know i am assuming the best to some degree but was it encouraged for him to come over and not worry about such things as bills etc and perhaps as time has gone by and his stays becoming more regular you both missed the time to discuss the change of circumstances.

It is never a good philosophy to wait until explode time and then unload on someone. I think when it started becoming a problem for you maybe you should have said something.

Noone is a mind reader. It is always expected that modern man is tactful and respectful and all that and yet this is not always reciprocated hence i say again you must talk out this issue because money can be the route of all evil. I think once you have revised your ground rules for finances then you will find you can focus on other things; which i am sure you would rather do.

Prenups do not seem like a good idea unless you have money to concern yourself with. Life can be so circumstantial and it is unlikely that two people in a relationship will earn the same and all the time and i think that life is balance and not just for the now but through the peaks and troughs or the roller coaster of life.

Yes he has not been thoughtful in respect to shopping etc from what you have led us to believe (i am not saying you are lying) but obviously he has not been on here to portray the other side of the story hence we have to trust your account of information. the more info you give us the better help we can be :)

I do not like it when the ditch him crowd comes out when there is clearly not enough info to get to that point. Do you just want to spread misery or is your foresight better than the information provided? ;)

Inertia · 01/03/2013 20:48

Oh, he knows.

And the reaction is because you dared challenge him .

If he is eating food with you, using your had and water and electricity he is costing you money - money that would otherwise go to your own children if you have them, or to cover your expenses.

Usually if one person in the household is a student, the working partner covers the majority of expenses. Here, you are a hard up student supporting someone on 30k.
(btw, when he asked how much you would save the answer there is that it depends whether he is ever going to pay back what he costs you ).

LessMissAbs · 01/03/2013 20:51

OP, this isn't the man who is quite a bit older than you who is telling you you will buy a £600,000 house together?

PureQuintessence · 01/03/2013 20:55

LessMisAbs, that ops dp only "granted" her time together twice a week.....

Bearbehind · 01/03/2013 21:00

lessmiss and pq I do wonder what happened to that OP, she seemed so lost. Don't think this is the same person though.

DontmindifIdo · 01/03/2013 21:07

There's a bit in Sex in the City where Charlotte says it takes 50% of the length of a relationship to get over it. I've always thought there's some truth in that. He's not over his ex, not in the extent that he still loves her or wants to be with her, but more he's not dealt with the end of that relationship and the negative feelings. You are effectively having to pay for her mistakes. that's not fair on you, or your DCs.

I would say you think you suggesting that you go back to just dating rather than living together. Maximum staying over once a week. He can live at his mums or get his own place, but not just move in and expect you to keep him. You are not his ex wife, you shouldn't have to be put up with treated badly because she fucked up.

Aika · 01/03/2013 21:18

YANBU. Red flags! Run OP run!

saggyhairyarse · 01/03/2013 22:01

Er, my BF is not the father of my children but he gives me more than I get in maintenance from my ex to pay the bills. I too am a student on a bursary, does he actually know what you income and outgoings are or have any grip on reality? If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt then you could declare your finances to him and ask him to pay atleast a third of all bills and food etc inc rent. he is taking the piss!

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