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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have asked for financial help from boyfriend??

69 replies

EyePlunge · 21/02/2013 09:43

My partner sold his house last year and has been pretty much living between his mother's house and my house ever since. He pays board weekly to his mum but since Christmas has been living at my house 6 nights a week. He pays me nothing at all despite eating here every day/night and using all my utilities. So basically he's living free right now and his savings are increasing nicely in his bank whilst I'm struggling to pay for everything. He earns over £30k a year (which is a lot around here) and I'm a student on a bursary. When he first started living here I asked him to make the odd contribution towards groceries etc and he said that was fine - however he's yet to do that. He'll bring in the odd pint of milk or loaf of bread but he never contributes to the actual grocery shop. I was pissed off last night. He said he was going to make me a cake and would I go to asda with him to buy the stuff - I assumed he was buying it!! But no, we got to the till and he asked me to go halfs with him for the £8 it cost.

So anyway it came to a head last night when he asked me how much money I can save up in the next 6 months to put towards a deposit for a house. I said I was struggling somewhat so probably not a lot. He got a face on so I said "to be honest, the only reason you can save so much is because you're not paying for anything, you don't have rent, mortgage, bills - even food to pay for. On the other hand, I'm paying for everything, maybe if you contributed more, I'd be able to save more?" this was met with a "woah it's all coming out now! so you've resented me being here all this time! you never ask me for any money, I'm not a mind reader!"

AIBU to think he shouldn't need to be asked?? it's common sense!!! Surely anyone with half a conscience would realise they should be contributing to the household they're living in, especially if you earn much more than they do and have no other outgoings??

OP posts:

rodandtheemu · 21/02/2013 11:07

nickname had a good point. Although, given the benifit of the doubt, he may not have realised he was doing it.

He sounds like he is carrying baggage from his previous relationship and may need help to be able to have a healthy one with you. The last thing you want is mopping up some bodys elses break up mess when you have children to look after and studying.

There is a few red flags in your post OP I wouldnt ignore them. The cake thing is defo issues of equality. You need to think very carefully about entering a serious relationship with him, maybe its too soon after his ex.

I would send him back to his mothers and slow every thing down. It takes a wonderfully responsible man to take a family on, one that will enrich yours and your childrens life. Is this your boyfriend??

All failing that he could just be a cocklodger and thats why his ex took him to the cleaners to get back what she had invested.

Good luck and well done for higher education!

tallwivglasses · 21/02/2013 11:16

Sit down with a calculator and work out exactly how much money you've spent on him. Food, percentage of rent, council tax, water, tv, fuel, etc. Would you be getting more tax credits (or are you claiming as a single parent, in which case you could get into trouble?)

Hopefully when you see the huge amount you've saved him that you could've spent on you and the kids you'll resolve to kick his tight arse out the door.

DeepRedBetty · 21/02/2013 11:28

He's not on the same wavelength as you is he? And quite likely never will be.

ElliesWellies · 21/02/2013 11:49

He is not a decent man.

A decent man would not expect to sponge off his partner like this. He sounds like a child.

Please stop allowing him to taKe you for a ride.

catsmother · 21/02/2013 11:53

This man is a nasty nasty cunt (and that's not a term I often use).

Nickname is right - it's as if he's projecting all his anger and resentment towards his ex onto you, like he feels he's been "done over" by womanhood and now it's payback time with you in the firing line.

No decent adult should have had to have been told about contributing fairly. It's not as if you've only just discussed this either - but he's conveniently ignored you and is now seemingly claiming that conversation never took place. He bloody knows alright but has taken advantage for as long as he could - what does that say about his opinion of you and your relationship ? ..... that he's way more important than you, and that you should feel effing grateful or something to be giving him a free ride ? A normal, caring person would have sorted this out themselves immediately - not after months, and not after being asked to. After all, how the hell does he imagine he'd survive if you weren't around - he'd have to pay rent, council tax, utilities, buy various household goods too no doubt and also feed himself.

He's taking the piss out of you completely and this is such a big 'oversight' that I wouldn't be able to trust him again. Please get rid - this has all the potential of financial abuse were you to properly commit to him buying a house together. You'd probably be expected to pay exactly half of everything regardless of the imbalance between your incomes and the groceries would probably become 'your' responsibility too (except on the occasions HE wants to make HIMSELF a fucking cake when he might just be gracious enough to pay HALF of the ingredients). What's more, you would probably never hear the end of how generous he was to you - how you should be grateful that HE enabled you to buy a house together and so on. I bet you'd end up in a situation where he had plenty of money to blow on himself while you and the kids went without. Sounds far fetched ? .... I don't think so, can you really imagine that a grown man who's been blatantly leeching off you for months yet quibbles over a £4 contribution towards something you didn't even want will suddenly become fair in the future ?

Think of it like this ..... add up all the extra food you've bought .... okay your rent/mortgage, utilities etc won't have altered much with him being there though there's extra hot water being used etc., but I bet it's still a pretty penny ........ and now think what you could have done for your kids with all that !!

whois · 21/02/2013 12:00

Cocklodger. Get rid.

While DP and I were living apart, I would pay for a shop if I was at his house or a meal out or whatever, and he would pay for some food when he was at mine. It is very odd that someone would NOT do that without being asked!

tallwivglasses · 27/02/2013 02:05

I'm really hoping our lovely OP isn't still subsidising this entitled fuckwit...

Gigondas · 27/02/2013 02:21

Me too-do update us eyes

CupidStunt48 · 27/02/2013 06:48

I really don't understand why the advice on here is to LTB, I sometimes get the feeling that that is used a little too easily at times and wonder if anyone would take their own advice...

OP, Why didn't you bring it up with him before?

If he refused to contribute after you asking him to I would say kick him out but that isn't the case, There was no communication. The £4 contribution to the shopping I would have refused to do there and then and asking for help with the bills etc i would have made clear before he started staying 6 nights a week.

I think the miscommunication is the problem here, Ask him to contribute from now on, Tell him how it has made you feel and see what he says.

Icelollycraving · 27/02/2013 07:57

I really recognise your story. Have you posted about him before?
If so,I think the advice hasn't changed. He is making you think there will be a house together in six months,unlikely.
Be clear. Tell him you can't afford another child a non paying lodger.

HecateWhoopass · 27/02/2013 08:02

If you stay with him, don't be under any illusions. He will be like this about money.

Is that what you want?

and yes, he shouldn't need to be asked.

But you can't not say something to someone because you think they shouldn't need to be asked/told. Maybe they shouldn't, but that's neither here nor there. Things aren't the way you want them and the responsibility is yours to say hang on, I'm not happy with this.

Which you have now done.

He likes the free ride.

If you hitch your wagon to him, you will be hitching it to someone who will forever know what you owe him down to the penny.

but, I suspect, will not be quite so bothered about what he owes you...

IneedAsockamnesty · 27/02/2013 08:09

Cocklodger get rid.

It will get worse.

Branleuse · 27/02/2013 08:16

kick him out. He sees you as a mealticket

VoiceofUnreason · 27/02/2013 08:28

LTC.

Leave The Cocklodger

toomanycourgettes · 27/02/2013 09:15

What happens if you continue with this relationship and decide to have a child with this man? It sounds as if he would be incredibly resentful if you were on maternity leave and not bringing in an income. He would probably leave you on a very tight financial rein, and would have you begging for every penny you needed to feed/clothe your family.

If he doesn't want to pay, he doesn't get to stay..........

maddening · 27/02/2013 09:21

He sounds awful - possibly good reasons he has an ex wife.

If you carry on maybe spend half the nights at his parents' house? Or suggest an amount he contributes?

Berts · 27/02/2013 09:40

No, no, no. I've known blokes like this and it never gets any better. He will see everything coming into the house as his by rights, and everything that he pays for for you as an ENORMOUS favour.

He's probably also lying about paying housekeeping to his mum, so that you'd feel you shouldn't ask him to contribute at yours.

Does he ever skew situations so that he makes out he paid for everything when, looking back, you actually paid for half? My ex used to pay for the super-budget flights and hotel for our holidays while I paid for the spending money. In his head, he would then have paid for everything (whereas in fact, the spending money came to about the same amount as he'd paid on flights and hotel) and I had to be grateful for him 'paying for our holiday'.

Gigondas · 27/02/2013 09:54

Also it's not financial help op- it is asking him to pay his way.

Chunderella · 27/02/2013 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sailormercury · 27/02/2013 10:12

IME being extremely petty is a huge red flag.

Katla · 27/02/2013 10:14

I think Rod and Hecate have good points to consider.

One thing I have learned over the years is that people generally don't change. I've been out with tight and penny pinching men and they don't change. At the least, really slow things down. Speak to him about your concerns in honest and blunt terms. And stop him living with you for free. What age is he to be back living with his mother anyway?!!

Katla · 27/02/2013 10:15

sorry that was stupid, he's not at his mums tho, he's with you. oops.

PessaryPam · 27/02/2013 10:32

I think you are about to have a lucky escape OP. I think the general consensus on here is spot on, get rid ASAP

LessMissAbs · 27/02/2013 10:51

Its not your fault he chose a first wife who didn't work - his choice, his consequences. There are plenty of women out there who do work, or who, like yourself, are studying to work.

Is he older than you? He sounds manipulative and scheming. This is going to grind you down eventually. Its not gentlemanly behaviour. I can't believe the sharing of the £8 for the cake ingredients!

Olympic212 · 28/02/2013 22:36

there seems to be very limited information to get to the point where the advice is to give him a derogatory nickname and excuse him from your life forever more from this moment hence forth or as someone else cannot refrain from saying 'cocklodger, get him out'!!! I mean really!!

Surely this is one of those times where it is time to have the adult conversation of expectations of each other for now and the future or at least as foreseeable as you can so that there is no confuson and certainly no need for name calling (i imagine behind his back)

He has also said that he wants to buy a house with you, That does not sound tight but equally i appreciate that a big decision like this you would of course like to know the little issues are resolved perhaps first.

I get the whole once bitten scenario and and i think we can all sympathise to some degree. It would be prudent to convey to him what you have beeen doing for him and how he has benefitted from this (which could be said is a good sign of commitment albeit not something you would be prepared to do forever)

Before i go on though you have obviously raised the issue that he is tight or led us to believe that he is tight but is he like this in everything he does ie when you go out for a meal, cinema, days out etc what is this like?

Perhaps set up a good environment for a good heart to heart to resolve matters but make sure that it is not in a negative way. It is easy to take things the wrong way and perhaps happy to hear his concerns but then confirm that this is not the case and relay what the situation is. Just a few thoughts :)

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