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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stand up for Brides who are NOT Bridezillas?

34 replies

ButternutSquish · 20/02/2013 13:26

I've read so many threads on AIBU about weddings; how people dread getting invited, how they hate going on the Hen, how it all costs so much money, how dare they suggest a gift from a gift list, how dare they not offer a free bar etc etc etc...

I'm getting married in under 5 weeks and I really hope my friends and family are not thinking the way lots of MNs obviously do.

My DF & I have tried to plan our wedding so that everyone has a lovely time, eats & drinks well, enjoys the party that we are putting on. We have invited as many people as we can afford to the full day. We are paying for drinks after the wedding & drinks with the meal but not a free bar in the evening. We are paying for a substantial evening buffet, we're providing fun entertainment. We want our friends to celebrate our special day with us.

I have had my hen weekend which I payed for myself and there were no surprise gifts for me. We all had a great weekend at Butlins which is where they wanted to go. I bought a gift bag for each of my hens because I was so pleased that they had chosen to share time with me and celebrate.

I love getting wedding invitations as I feel honoured to be able to share thei happy couples special day & that I'm important in their lives to want to ask me.

I feel like shouting to you all who hate wedding invitations, just don't go. It's an invitation and not a summons! Don't go on the hen if you don't want to. Explain to the bride if you can't afford it. I'm sure she'll understand and do something seperatley with you like having a drink one evening to ensure you're not feeling left out.

And the gift list....I get asked constantly what we would like as a gift, it's not a crime to put a list in, it's making a suggestion. It's hardly like we'll shout at anyone who doesn't buy anything.

We been invited to weddings in the Pennines (2 nights hotel for that one), on the Isle of Wight during festival week (expensive B&B & ferry crossing for that one) & in the middle of no-where but walkable to the B&B & happily accepted that if you know and keep in touch with friends there is a chance you may get invited to their days.

I know I'll get flamed but I really don't care.

OP posts:
PeggyCarter · 20/02/2013 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeggyCarter · 20/02/2013 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wherearemysocka · 20/02/2013 13:37

I do think the cost of the average wedding would be significantly reduced if all the people who spent their entire time bitching about it did the decent thing and didn't attend.

lljkk · 20/02/2013 13:37

Awww, hope you have a great time, OP.

My dad was my wedding planner, he got his workmates to do most the bits and pieces (like flowers, cake & music). They all work in a completely unrelated industry, btw, had fallen into moonlight jobs at weddings. I only had to buy my dress and choose some music. I said yes to almost everything Dad suggested. I wanted as many children there as possible. One of the lowest stress experiences of my life.

Twas grand, lovely to see everyone, lovely they made the effort.

Donnadoon · 20/02/2013 13:42

Meh...£350 in Gretna Green just the two of us. Selfish really and was sorry for our mothers but its what we wanted.

BackforGood · 20/02/2013 13:49

I completely agree too.
I think so many posters on MN are so far removed from my RL experiences, it's like looking into another world Grin

I hope you enjoy your special day Smile

atthewelles · 20/02/2013 14:22

But no one's bitching about nice, pleasant, affordable for guests weddings or simple low key hen nights.

People are giving out about the way so many weddings seem to have gone so OTT and are pressuring friends and family to spend money they haven't got or to give up whole weekends to attend these gala events.

And its easy to say 'just don't go' but its not always that simple. Family weddings in particular are awkward because umbrage can be taken or your parents will be embarassed if you don't attend.
Likewise, with close friends, feelings can be hurt if you don't go.

TheFauxAmie · 20/02/2013 14:25

You are not alone! I walk around in fear of being labeled Bridezilla, even though I'm sure I wont be one! There is a lot of expectation at a wedding.

I wrote a blog about it the other day if you are at all interested. Hopefully it might make you smile a bit

here

Enjoy your special day!

Original poster
ButternutSquish · 20/02/2013 14:55

FauxAmie...yes! That's exactly how i feel written down in your blog!

And Welles, yes, people are bitching about nice weddings! I've been reading threads for months thinking 'oh shit, here we go again!' Yes, some people do go OTT but as FA says in her blog, these are usually the same people who go over the top in life generally! Are you really friends with these sorts of people? I read in one thread called 'what's the worst wedding you've been to' that one poster begrudged the bride and groom going off for photos. I mean, how unreasonable Hmm

But thank you for all those giving good wishes, & I'm seriously shocked I've not been shot down in flames!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 20/02/2013 14:59

My personal fav is people who say, 'We can't afford to get married,' when really, they can't afford some OTT machination that often passes for a wedding these days.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/02/2013 15:01

Congratulations! I arranged four weddings in the end. Three to try to accommodate my ILs and the last when DH told me to give up because they couldn't be pleased and do what the hell I liked. It was still a compromise but not exactly what the ILs wanted.

I kept writing AIBUs in my head from my BIL and MIL because they clearly thought I was.

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes · 20/02/2013 15:03

Wrt the photos, if you go off for photos for 3 hours leaving your guests bored and hungry that's not a good thing.

TheFauxAmie · 20/02/2013 15:21

Thank you Butternut Squish, I'm glad I got across what I was trying to say :D

Maybe I should write one about what people expect from your wedding day as there seems to be quite a lot of expectations from the guests!

SonOfAradia · 20/02/2013 15:21

Excellent blog, FauxAmie. I suspect the basic difference between a Bridezilla and a Bride is that the latter understands that it's not just HER day and remembers there's a Groom in there somewhere as well, not to mention friends and family.

Original poster
ButternutSquish · 20/02/2013 15:25

well I've never been to a wedding where the B&G have gone off for 3 hours! But I have been to a wedding where guests have gone to the pub on the way back from the registry office and the meal has been delayed! Oh yes, that was my first wedding back in 1990!

OP posts:
Absy · 20/02/2013 15:32

YANBU
Weddings are a tricky topic on MN, as there are many out there who either HATE attending weddings (or seem to just hate people in general) so anything wedding related brings them out in a rash, or those who think that unless you paid 50p for your dress from a charity shop and the ceremony was officiated by a smelly hobo, you're not properly "in love" and are a shameless, materialistic bridezilla.

And yes, gift lists are very helpful when people are asking what you would like (you can just go "look at our list here" rather than explain). It is possible to have a meaningful, special wedding with more than 3 people and costing more than £100 in total (we totally did).

AND it is also very difficult to organise a wedding, balancing budgets against your wants/desires, keeping family and friends happy and keeping your relationship in a salvagable form so there's a wedding to have. If our families had had their way, we would have had men shooting guns, a lazer display, lots of singers and smoke machines. It would have been very dangerous

milf90 · 20/02/2013 15:34

Iv just gotten engaged and I HATE the term bridezilla! It seems all you have to do on here is mention thy you are gettig married an you're automatically one!

I'm finding it's the opposite to what people say on here too, it's the guests who are hiking the price up - "you can't just invite so and so for the evenig do that's just rude" - well you pay £60 to feed them then??!

TheFauxAmie · 20/02/2013 15:38

Milf90 I agree with you to an extent. Where has this expectation of a free meal for everyone come from?? why am I suddently paying for 50 people to stuff their faces?

lurkedtoolong · 20/02/2013 15:38

I hope you have a wonderful day and a fabulous marriage. None of my friends have been actual Bridezillas, everyone has their moments but so what?

One little plea - for people not staying late, it's nice to see the first dance. I left a friend's wedding at 10.30pm and the first dance still hadn't happened. The wedding was at 1, the meal was at 5 and the reception still hadn't started by the time I left. Money/no kids isn't always the reason that people don't want to go to wedding, a few I've been to recently seem to be endurance tests.

ineedtochange · 20/02/2013 15:40

I am constantly amazed at the wedding threads. If and when I ever get married I don't think I'll ever be like that. Yes, I'll want things done specific way but if it bothers me that much I will do it myself. I am shocked by some people's reactions to what I would call trivial situations.

CalpolInMyEar · 20/02/2013 16:01

I went to four weddings last year, three were lovely, relaxed, pleasant affairs. One was tense, my son, despite being named on the invitation, was clearly not welcome, and the meal/speeches/first dance were, as a previous poster described, an endurance test. We eventually left at 10, when the dancing was finally underway.

The fourth bride also had a hugely expensive hen that I couldn't afford to attend, so didn't, and it is regulalry trotted out, along with being asked if I've got one of her wedding photos up yet.

So YANBU, some (most?) brides are lovely and reasonable and perfectly pleasant people. However. Some are not, as with all of life, and the more outlandish requests are always going to get raised eybrows and complaints.

PrincessOfChina · 20/02/2013 16:05

YANBU. In fact you are being totally and utterly reasonable.

It's my pet MN hate. So many people complaining about such lovely things. It makes me sad.

If you really dislike the way your friend/family member organises their wedding or hen do or whatever then you should probably question your whole relationship with them.

Pigsmummy · 20/02/2013 16:08

I think that brides get a rough time of it too,

I bent over backwards to accomadate everyone and children etc only to find that people don't bother to RSVP? then when you have to contact them (speak or text) they seem genuinely surprised that you didn't know that they were coming or not, telepathy? It isn't very nice to Facebook post the bride two days before the wedding saying that you and your partner can't attend after all despite saying that you "couldn't wait to come" having been given 8 months notice, been given our contact telephone numbers and knowing that such short notice would mean two wasted dinners surely a call would have been more appropriate?

Why do people not bother to read/keep the invite or look at the website and hassle the bride and groom the day before asking for timings/addresses etc

We didn't disappear for 3 hours getting our photos taken but a few guests did decide to stop off on the way to the reception for pub food despite knowing that there was food waiting for them ( they arrived late to the church too) and this is having had an input to what the arrival food was too!

If you get invited and want to go, RSVP and keep your invite, if you don't then decline!

Gift lists are a no win, you are damned either way, I didn't do one nor do the (much moaned about on MN) poem.

Ormiriathomimus · 20/02/2013 16:08

Well as you are clearly not one of the dreaded b'zilla no-one would want to have a go at you would they?

atthewelles · 20/02/2013 16:09

FauxAmie I doubt you would ever be labelled a bridezilla. Smile

When people talk about bridezillas they mean the type of bride who insists the bridesmaids lose weight; get into a huff if all her 'closest' friends won't spend £500 on a hens weekend in Barcelona; has a nervous breakdown because the ribbons on the wedding cake are the wrong shade of pink; demands cash gifts only from the guests; holds the wedding in some remote castle forty miles from the nearest train station and then takes umbrage when some guests politely regret the invite; expects everyone to take three days off work so they can attend the pre wedding dinner and the post wedding barbecue and on and on and on. Of course most brides don't behave like that but the ones that do stick in people's minds forever