to be getting cross at DD. She will not look for work.

[fluffyraggies]

That's in in a nut shell, but so as not to drip feed i'll ramble a bit, please bare with me i need some outside perspective ...

DD2 is in her 2nd year at college. Lives at home with us. She'll be 18 in a couple of weeks.

Originally it was a 4 day a week college course. DH and i have said that she should really try to get herself a PT job. We said it would be some independant spending money for her, would look good on a CV, and would just be generally good for her to get 'out there'.

We are happy to pay for her food, basic clothing, materials for college, roof over her head, toiletries and phone, laptop, ipod, etc. However i wont buy her make up, hair dye, or high fashion gear and we don't give pocket money, we cant afford to. She gets gifts and cash at xmas, birthdays and randomly from her GPs as a treat.

We have other DCs and money is pretty tight.

Bit more ... DD has a BF, 21 this year. He lives with his parents. He and DD together almost 3 years. He has never had a job. He spent 2.5 years unemployed after dropping out of college. He's just begun a 3 day college course and is unlikely to be looking for work of any kind for another 2 years. He came into a little money and funds himself with this. He buys my DD clothes on a regular basis. High heels, leather jacket etc. (He's not having to pay for her basics is what i'm saying). Sometimes he buys her make up, fancy toiletries etc. They go out allot together, they eat out allot together. It's lovely of him but is doing nothing to encourage my DD to get herself a little job.

DDs college have just announced they are dropping a day from the course, so now she is only at college 3 days a week. That leaves her 4 free days. She'll be studying here at home on one of them and the other 3 she'll be with BF at his home loafing around. (his days off are the same as hers)

Anyway I'm now getting pissed off about this job thing. Would you? Am i BU?

When we broach the subject of getting a job she goes quiet, or mutters about study time/visiting boyfriend time/chilling out time - basically she doesn't want a job and is happy how she is. I cant take her by the scruff of her neck to look for work can i?

She is a lovely girl, friendly and sociable. Not exactly an enthusiastic helper round the house but will if asked.
WWYD?

Why do you think she should get a job?

If you are concerned about money, then that's her choice. If she needs money she may change her tune.

If you are concerned about her being a lazy layabout and think it's morally wrong for her not to work then I'd say save your breath - you don't have a chance. She clearly thinks it's just fine to slob around doing nothing. (Frankly, if I could afford to slob around doing nothing I wouldn't work either). And unless she really wants a job in this climate she won't get one anyway.

Stop paying for her phone, stop buying her clothes....

Is the boyfirends money likely to run out any time soon or is there an infinite supply?
I can understand why she has no incentive to work. Seen it in my own circles.
Could you approach it from a career advancement angle? If she doesn't need cash for living, what does she want to do with her life?
If she in college studying to be a makeup artist (for example!) could you encourage her to look for experience in the industry and explain the benefit of this on a CV? Help her with research, help with typing up the CV, etc but not fork out more money on portfolios as this will demotivate her. IT needs to be her own effort for any reward.
I suppose it depends on her own wants. If she is career focussed it would work but if she's not got very much aim yet, then I would try to lead by example and demonstate the benefits of having a carrer/aim in life.
Sorry, I know it is over-simlifying the situation.
Nothing worse than being surrounded by losers to drag a person down to their level. She would benefit from peers who have ambition. Does she have any?

What is she studying or plan to do longer term. Could she even volunteer in a related role as she'll need something to put her cv to give her the edge for the next step.

"Nothing worse than being surrounded by losers to drag a person down to their level. She would benefit from peers who have ambition. Does she have any?"

Oh how I agree! DC are so susceptible to the influence and aspirations of their peers.

Sounds like you don't like the bf.

Maybe bring her into work with you?
Maybe tell her once she's 18 she'll have to contribute to her rent.

Maybe she has no idea how much money one needs to live. Maybe sit down with her and go over a ,financial spreadsheet, and bills, and explain why you are worried about her lack of ambition.

Sorry meant to say, it's fine if you don't like the bf! They are your feelings. If it was me I wouldn't like him round my DD either- sounds like he's adrift.

Thank you for replies. Some very good thoughts.
Some answers to questions ...

I think when she was 16/17 the money thing was her choice. Up to us to fund her absolutely. When she was at college 4 days a week, studying for one day and slobbing the other 2 it didn't seem so bad. When she wasn't working because she was happy as she was and ''didn't need fancy stuff and when she wanted it she'd get a job'' (and i quote) then it didn't seem so bad either.

I think it's all just crossed a line in my head now. She's going to be 18 with BF paying her way all the time. I'd like to see her earning her own bit of spending money. I've had a job since i was 15.

There are little PT jobs to be had here btw. DDs older sister is working. Has always been hard working. Runs her own car now so DD2 sees the benefit.

DD has been into work with me.

She is at art college. She wants an art degree and then go into teaching. (she got this from going into work with me) Now she is talking about dropping the teaching bit and going into another arty field.

Do i like the BF - chuckles wryly - he's ok. Bit arrogant. I just wish he'd get a job! :)

Talking to her about her CV - we have - perhaps we need to do it with more conviction.

She really does tend to take the path of least resistance. She can be hard work. Bless her.

give her incentive to get a job. does she want a car or driving lessons for example? tell her you won't fund them and that if she wants those things, she needs to get a job and pay for them herself. and stop paying her phone bill! at seventeen, she's old enough to pay for that herself - a few weeks of no credit on her phone will probably encourage her to get a job somewhere.

a lot of my friends had everything paid for (necessities, phone bill, driving lessons, first car) so of course none of them got a job - they didn't need one, so why bother? when she hits eighteen, she'll want to go out drinking, to bars and clubs and to have more independence, which she won't get without a job anyway, so she'll maybe have to learn the hard way (ie a few months of no credit/no new things) while she gets a job.

"adrift" sums it up perfectly! I don't want her to join him.

BFs money will run out at some point, yes, at this rate.

Driving - we paid for most of DD1s lessons. She helped by paying for some from her PT job. Passed her test last year. We bought her her 1st banger car, and she pays her own tax and insurance.

DD2 has seen all this. We've made offers. She's not interested

I'm warming to the not paying for the phone.

I think you have to not pay for something that she really needs!

She's not going to be much of an artist if she never goes anywhere to look at new things...

unusual, but maybe (like you said), when the boyfriend's money runs out, she'll be more likely to get a job. i assume, at 21, that he has a car, and probably drives her everywhere, so again, she has no incentive to get one herself, as she'd have to pay for it!

i don't think it's unreasonable for her to pay for her phone bill at seventeen. i paid for mine out of my part-time job at that age, as well as things like snacks/junk food, train/bus fares, make-up etc. my parents paid for necessities and toiletries, though. i think if you stop paying for things like that, she'll have more incentive to start working.

Presumably she needs a portfolio if she is to progress in the art world. I'm sure she could find something positive to do with her time towards that , even if just a regular slot for gallery visit, or perhaps get involved with an art therapy group or a children's art programme. Agree with others you need to stop funding beyond the basics ie phone when she turns 18.

To be fair there is no incentive for her to want to work. You pay for her little things (phone etc) and her bf pays for the little luxuries. This is how she will walk through life expecting others to pay for the things she wants. It won't be until she moves out gets her own place she will realise the cost of life in afraid. Is she funding herself to go to uni? If you want her to get a job stop paying for her things and encourage her to work/earn for them even if its doing chores tasks around the home she doesn't normally do. My brother is the same and at the age of 23 still lives at home and only works 10 hrs a week as he has no other incentive to work but to pay for his phone ( rent food etc is all provided by mummy).

i would cut the money i give down to the minimum - as people here have suggested. what jobs does she do at home? if she doesn't want paid employment she should at least be pulling her weight at home.

my youngest gets pocket money for doing jobs, but the older 2 are at uni and work PT so they do jobs around the house and don't get the pocket money.

When I was 15 a friend of my parents had a saturday job going in his shop and I was told that I would be taking it. I was not given a choice. I was thought they were being mean but can see that they were doing it for my own benefit. I would stop paying for things like her laptop, phone, I pod etc... basically everything apart from bare essentials and say that you may reconsider if she gets a job

I think you need to step back a bit and look at this situation differently. It's quite easy in this current climate to demonise youngsters and see them all as these lazy, ungrateful layabouts who will spend their life scrounging off the system ( I'm not suggesting you feel this way but you are probably scared at the possibility) but in reality, she is under 18, still in school and not constantly asking you for money.

She really isn't that bad.
Chances are she will look harder for a job when she needs to as do most people. Although I will add that when I hit 18 my Mum suggested I start paying £100 a month rent/bills/food as I was now an adult. I soon got a Saturday job then.

YABU, imo.

She's not even 18 and she's not demanding money. I'd leave her be.

And why compare dd1 and dd2? Do you like being compared to someone else?

YABU-18 and still living st home is still a child imo. She is not a lazy layabout-she is in full-time education. Btw constantly comparing her to the golden child/sister will do you no favours whatsoever.

I was comparing DD1 and DD2 in detail here mainly because a couple of posters asked if DD2 had any example set to her by her peers as an incentive to work. I was comparing their attitudes to work.

Also when, as a parent, you are concerned about a child, i think it's natural to do some inward reflection and ask yourself about the way you are raising them. The next logical step when you're asking yourself this is to this is to look at the other children in the family (if there are any). I know we are all different.

I don't think we would ask her for rent. (We don't ask DD1 for rent).

I'm very interested in all the opinions here.

She does have a large portfolio to complete, and is never behind on her work. Her work is good too, not slipping.

I know things could be worse. MUCH worse.

I'm thinking if i don't pay for the phone the BF will He has got a car, he shares it with his mother and pays for his own petrol. I don't think his parents have pushed him to work at all. I think he's cosseted a bit. But this is not about him.

She'll be 18 in 4 weeks btw.

Are you sure the college have told her she only needs to study for one extra day apart from the teaching course?

As a university lecturer, I find this one of the most frustrating parts of my job: students are forever complaining about the length of the reading list and the low marks they are getting, but when they are asked to fill in the number of hours they work on the feedback questionnaire, only a very small minority actually study the number of hours we suggest as a minimum. The rest do on average 3/4 of what they are supposed to, but some do much, much less. Their need to earn spending money, on top of bare necessities, is clearly a big part of the problem.

Another way of looking at it, might be, where is this college course meant to be taking your dd? You say, she is keeping up with her coursework, but is she doing anything that will make her CV stand out? Doing that little bit of extra to put the gold star on her coursework? Gaining extra skills outside of college?

It is difficult for young people to know what is required of them. In your dd's case, that may be paid employment or it may be something else. The difficulty is, she needs to see it.

It could be that she is anxious or nervous about working - even the most confident people get anxiety or feel shy around new situations.

PS. She sounds like the ideal daughter in all respects; my sister & i were more trouble for our parents than your DD, i'm sure!