to be getting cross at DD. She will not look for work.

[fluffyraggies]

That's in in a nut shell, but so as not to drip feed i'll ramble a bit, please bare with me i need some outside perspective ...

DD2 is in her 2nd year at college. Lives at home with us. She'll be 18 in a couple of weeks.

Originally it was a 4 day a week college course. DH and i have said that she should really try to get herself a PT job. We said it would be some independant spending money for her, would look good on a CV, and would just be generally good for her to get 'out there'.

We are happy to pay for her food, basic clothing, materials for college, roof over her head, toiletries and phone, laptop, ipod, etc. However i wont buy her make up, hair dye, or high fashion gear and we don't give pocket money, we cant afford to. She gets gifts and cash at xmas, birthdays and randomly from her GPs as a treat.

We have other DCs and money is pretty tight.

Bit more ... DD has a BF, 21 this year. He lives with his parents. He and DD together almost 3 years. He has never had a job. He spent 2.5 years unemployed after dropping out of college. He's just begun a 3 day college course and is unlikely to be looking for work of any kind for another 2 years. He came into a little money and funds himself with this. He buys my DD clothes on a regular basis. High heels, leather jacket etc. (He's not having to pay for her basics is what i'm saying). Sometimes he buys her make up, fancy toiletries etc. They go out allot together, they eat out allot together. It's lovely of him but is doing nothing to encourage my DD to get herself a little job.

DDs college have just announced they are dropping a day from the course, so now she is only at college 3 days a week. That leaves her 4 free days. She'll be studying here at home on one of them and the other 3 she'll be with BF at his home loafing around. (his days off are the same as hers)

Anyway I'm now getting pissed off about this job thing. Would you? Am i BU?

When we broach the subject of getting a job she goes quiet, or mutters about study time/visiting boyfriend time/chilling out time - basically she doesn't want a job and is happy how she is. I cant take her by the scruff of her neck to look for work can i?

She is a lovely girl, friendly and sociable. Not exactly an enthusiastic helper round the house but will if asked.
WWYD?

maybe see if you can take her to view universities that she is interested in and ask the tutors what she can do to enhance her chances - I would think that those 2 days should be educational and not lazy/social days so either more work for her portfolio or an extra course - depending on what she wants to specialise in - eg photography,art history for fine art, ceramics, glass, performance, textiles/fashion etc etc as you will be helping her through uni it is not a lot to expect her to show dedication - it takes a lot of self discipline.

fluffy, I would also be uncomfortable with the older bf's buying of her stuff too (3 years is quite a big difference at this age, especially when they are at very different stages in life)

I quite like dd's bf...he is a steadying (if boring, but that is only my opinion, I guess) influence on her

and what I think is a good thing...they are a level playing field

he is at college, she is at college

they both have no money at all

MBL, I totally take your points and you have made me think

I am projecting a little about what I think a teenager should be doing, perhaps

but I still don't think it is healthy to stay in night after night watching shite telly on either her bed, or his bed

MadBusLady - agree with you. I couldn't have cared less about festivals when I was that age and when I did go, years later, found I couldn't care less all over again!

Holidays too - very meh.

Oh, I'm projecting here like anything AF. Agree re shite telly.

oh, my dd has been asking us to fund a holiday for her (not directly...she knows better than that, but in a roundabout way)

some of her friends parents are (allegedly) doing this

she is coming to greece with us this year (she assumed bf could come too, no way jose)...she loves holidays and would give anything to have one with her friends

not enough to even attempt to find a PT job for though

Now she is talking about dropping the teaching bit and going into another arty field.
That says a lot to me. She's realised that teaching is hard work. She's not in financial need at the moment due to your and her boyfriend's support, so it's attractive to drop the teaching and do something more fun and less stressful.
At her age it's easy to dismiss the longer term and just live for the present.

Unfortunately there are many kids in her position doing arts and media studies because they sound like fun. Unless she is extremely talented and/or works very hard full time she will not find a paying job at the end of it. There are just too many youngsters doing the same thing.

I think you should start putting a financial squeeze on her with a small reduction in subsidy now and another scheduled for six months ahead. Tell her that by then you will give her free board and lodging but nothing else. Hopefully that will persuade her to either get a PT job or study full time for a better qualification. And in a years time she must pay her board and utilities as well.

I think what another poster said upthread about her tax credits ending soon would be a good opportunity to withdraw some of her priviledges. Whatever it comes to remove that amount so you're not subsiding her. And let her know in advance, ie now, sit down and explain to her that you'll have to cut back on some luxuries but you'll continue to cover the basics for her. That way it gives her a month to job hunt if she wants to keep her phone/spending money/whatever.

Thanks for your continuing thoughts. I'm reading them all carefully and really appreciate all the sound advice on college/uni/career.

She is very talented at fine art, and I feel mean for saying this - but her natural talent has in fact meant that she isn't having to work too hard yet. She is doing more theoretical work this year but is coping fine so far. When she enjoys something or wants to do it she'll move heaven and earth, and do it well. When she doesn't want to do something it's like moving a mountain.

With the BF/money/lazy days thing - it's so hard isn't it? I am afraid of pushing her further towards him, by the withdrawal of more funds and getting tough i mean. I feel like i'm walking a delicate balance here - aren't we all! - and i don't want to push too hard. There are spare rooms at his house, his older brothers have long since moved out and got married .... i have no idea if his parents would would agree to her going to live there. This is all just fretting in my head.

curry - when she was approaching 17 my DH and i decided (after allot of angst) that we should give her the option of having the contraceptive implant, which she accepted. We had to face the fact that she was spending whole days alone in a house with an older, steady boy friend and things were bound to happen. It was a difficult call, because i didn't want to be 'giving the green light', or pushing her into anything, but i sure as hell didn't want anything left to chance either. sigh. I did my best to explain this to her. It's a minefield.

AF - funnily enough DD has been invited on holiday by BFs family this year - to Greece :) His family are paying for the flight and board - very kindly. The issue of clothes and spending money are now looming. As you say - no sign of the urge to earn it for herself. I imagine BF will take her shopping and kit her out

fluffy, you sound like a very pragmatic and sensible mum

in the middle of last year (around GCSE time...absolute nightmare) I said to DH "she will be gone be xmas" (meaning she will decide it would be much easier and less hassle to go live at her boyfriend's house)

they apppear to have a much freer and easier attitude towards studying and earning your own keep there, and think the sun shines out her arse

I think it does too...but give her an inch, she takes a country mile

oops, should have said she wasn't "gone by xmas" and I misjudged her, because she is working very hard at college now and doesn't appear to want to move out at all

Me with Purplewithred on this one ! cos she nailed it ! > no analysis/bullshit ,no flimflam,!