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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a thankyou for this?

28 replies

bedmonster · 20/02/2013 09:17

A while back, DP and I gave our friend some money to go towards her DDs school trip. At the time, she (the mum) thanked us and went home to give her DD who is also DPs God daugter, the money to take to school to pay off the trip.

Now, months later, I have seen the DD a handful of times and she hasn't ever mentioned it. She knows that we paid some money off, her DBro mentioned it at a get together at Xmas. I would certainly never mention it, but AIBU to think a 16 year old would have the manners to say thankyou?

(I would just like to add, I love this family very much, would never bring it up and am just a bit miffed that she hasn't said thanks - and I don't think they should be bowing in gratefulness at our feet forever!!)

OP posts:

Isityouorme · 20/02/2013 09:18

Does she know you gave the mum some money?

FlatsInDagenham · 20/02/2013 09:19

Yanbu but teenagers are extremely self absorbed. She probably thinks because her mum thanked you she doesn't have to. I'd forget it if I were you - at least she got to go on the trip, which was your main intention.

HollyBerryBush · 20/02/2013 09:19

You gave the mother the money and she said thank you.

Perhaps the 16yo is embarrassed her mum is 'poor'?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 20/02/2013 09:20

You didnt give her the money. You gave it to her mum. She thanked you.

YABU.

Littleturkish · 20/02/2013 09:20

You don't know how she felt about receiving the charity.

Catchingmockingbirds · 20/02/2013 09:21

Presumably you gave the money because the mother couldn't afford it? She may feel embarrassed and doesn't want to mention it, when I was that age I was very embarrassed about our family not having a lot of money. Her mum has said thanks though, on her behalf too surely?

fluffyraggies · 20/02/2013 09:22

So it's your DHs God daughter whom you see regularly.

A thank you would have been nice, yes. What are the family like for thanking generally? Do they formally thank for presents for eg.?

I had a thread about 'thanking' at xmas. People have very different ideas about the need to thank or not. The prompt should come from the parent i think.

fluffyraggies · 20/02/2013 09:24

Xposted allot.
I agree she may feel a bit squirmy about it actually, as it was money, not a present as such.

valiumredhead · 20/02/2013 09:24

You have had a thank you already, why do you need to hear it twice? The dd might not know you gave her mum money.

mrsjay · 20/02/2013 09:26

well I guess she is a bit funny about it cos you paid for it and her mum did say thank you didn't she and she was grateful have you asked if she enjoyed it if she did TBh that would be thanks enough for me.

CaptainMartinCrieff · 20/02/2013 09:29

YANBU but at the same time she's a teenager and they often don't think. She may be embarrassed. Her mum thanked you, it would have been nice if her DD had also thanks you but I wouldn't lose sleep over it.

Original poster

bedmonster · 20/02/2013 09:29

She knew that we had given her the money. And her DBro mentioned it at a xmas party.

Yep Dagenham the main intention was that she got to go on the trip and she is going which is what it's about. I wouldn't ever mention it to her, she is a lovely girl (mostly as teenagers go!).

Holly maybe. But maybe she isn't poor. Genuinely not sure, which was why I wondered if it was U.

Wannabe thanks.

Little you think the daughter might have been embarrassed or the mum?

Catching but the mum (our friend) had told the daughter she could go on the trip. If you sign the forms and make payments it is implying that she could afford it.

Thanks for everybodys responses, i'm really not 'foaming at the mouth furious' about this, was just wondering if IWBU to think a thankyou would have been nice

OP posts:

mrsjay · 20/02/2013 09:32

sometimes teenagers are bit in the moment so if you had given her the money then she would have thanked you IYSWIM so the trip has been and gone , I am sure she is grateful you said she is a nice kid, when they get to that age they dont forget manners they just sometimes forget and dont realise

simonthedog · 20/02/2013 09:34

As a teenager I think I would have been too socially awkward to be able to bring it up in conversation. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't have been grateful.

mrsjay · 20/02/2013 09:34

I think that is what i meant simon

Original poster

bedmonster · 20/02/2013 09:35

Fluffie the family are a bit hit and miss with contact in general but we love them all the same!

Valium as stated a couple of times, I just think it's good manners if someone has contributed to something be it my DD bringing me a drink or a neighbour that has picked up my kid from school if I needed a favour. I would just say thankyou.

And just to reiterate, the DD knew we had paid money for the trip.

MrsJay she hasn't been on the trip yet, I was reminded of the money when I bumped into my friend while she was on her way to one of the trip meetings last night.

Captain exactly this I think. For whatever reason she hasn't and that's fine. Absolutely no sleep lost, thanks everyone for your responses.

OP posts:

mrsjay · 20/02/2013 09:37

MrsJay she hasn't been on the trip yet, I was reminded of the money when I bumped into my friend while she was on her way to one of the trip meetings last night.

oh hasn't she, I really think you need to put it down to her being 16 honestly nothing more. you gave it to her mum to pay for her I bet she just feels awkward about it

HollyBerryBush · 20/02/2013 09:39

I cant get my head round this!

Your DH gave the money. Was it a general gift for his GodD, or was it because the mother couldnt afford the trip?

Catchingmockingbirds · 20/02/2013 09:43

I'm confused now by your response OP, I thought you gave the mum money for the trip to help out as the mother didn't have the money to pay for it herself? Or was it a gift?

Original poster

bedmonster · 20/02/2013 09:53

Oops, sorry, I don't think I at any point said it was because she couldn't afford to pay for the trip did I? correct me if i'm wrong, didn't mean to say that if I did.

Holly my DP didn't give her the money, it came from us.

We contributed towards the trip. Friend came round before Christmas and it came up that her DD had a trip. We had done the same for her DS last year and had said that we would do the same for her DD.

OP posts:

PureQuintessence · 20/02/2013 09:55

How patronizing of you, to wade in and contribute to other childrens school trips like you are some scrooge mac duck benefactor, and then going around expecting eternal gratitude?

meh

Hesterton · 20/02/2013 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MagzFarqharson · 20/02/2013 09:59

^what mrs jay said^ - and in a couple of years, when she's a little more mature, she'll prob say 'oh thanks for helping out with that trip to xxx, I had such a lovely time!' and you'll feel bad about being a bit precious now?

twofingerstoGideon · 20/02/2013 10:06

YANBU. It is good manners, of course. However, as the mother of a 16 YO, I know how difficult it is to get them to say thank you even when they are really, genuinely grateful. My DD finds direct contact with adults (even close friends) 'embarrassing' and difficult. Even though she is gobby and mouthy in most other circumstances, she shrivels into this speechless, uncommunicative little thing in certain circumstances.
My DD had a whole holiday paid for last year by an old family friend. I thanked them profusely and felt ashamed when my constant reminders to her to do the same were ignored. Months later, at Christmas, she made them a huge photographic collage of her holiday without any prompting.
(Seven months after the gift was given!)

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 20/02/2013 10:07

So the mother didn't need you to help out - you offered the money as a gift to the girl?

I'd say the mother thanking you for the help you gave to to her is appropriate. If you were giving the girl spending money directly to her that's different.

And what Quint said.

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