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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be pissed off that I can't make the most of flexible working?

42 replies

iwantflexibility · 19/02/2013 15:53

This is long, and I've name changed. I need someone to look at this and tell me there is a way.

I currently work 3 days a week from home, 9am-5pm. DD is 14 months old and spends 2 days in nursery and 1 day with grandparents. Soon I'll be expected to do 4 day, then probably 5 days by the end of the year.

My client base is Asia-Pac and pre-maternity leave I worked 6am-2pm. I'm 99.9% sure I could suggest doing this again and my boss would support it. This would be great in terms of spending time with DD in the afternoons whilst still earning a full time salary and to be honest, was the only thing that was getting me through the idea of working full time. My thinking was that DD would do 3 mornings in nursery then 2 mornings with grandparents.

However, I'm not sure it'll be feasible :(. The only way I can do it is if DH can get DD up and dressed in the mornings and take care of the childcare runs. He's freelance and tends to work in one place for a few weeks before going somewhere else for a few weeks, so it's a bit sporadic. He needs to leave anywhere from 5:30am-7:30am (using our one and only car). Nursery opens at 8am and is a 20 minute walk each way. Also, a morning session at nursery is 8am-1pm (though they said they could just charge an hourly rate thereafter). Grandparent days shouldn't be a problem as they can have her (and maybe even pick her up) whenever and they are closer anyway.

We could get a cheap second car or a bike with baby seat for me to do the drop-offs a bit quicker....

I could, on the days DH would be here until 7.30am, just block out 45-60 mins on my calendar for those 3 nursery mornings? So it wouldn't be every day but some days it would earlier/longer than that.

DD is really happy at her nursery, so seems unfair to think about moving her to one that does an earlier start (and in fact the only one I'd consider doesn't do half days until 2yo).

She usually wakes at about 7.15am, but what about the days she wakes at 6.45am and I've got a call scheduled in at 7am and DH has gone early?

DD naps at lunchtime now, meaning if I paid extra for her to stay at nursery after 1pm it would only really be for her to sleep... So my thinking was she'd nap in the buggy on the way home from nursery until about 2.30pm giving me time to tidy up loose ends at work. Then we can go to the park/zoo/pool/library and hang out...

But there are also times when I need to go into London. Sod's law that it'll be on a day when she's only at nursery until 1pm and then I'll have to call in another favour with the grandparents to collect her and look after her until I get home. And no chance of me expensing the cost of nursery to come into work outside of my "working hours"!

DH going in to work late isn't really an option. We'd stand to lose anywhere between £200-600pm if he's an hour or 2 late...

At the moment, her official nursery hours are 8am-6pm but we usually do something more like 8.15am-5pm. And in that time I can get my food shop ordered, delivered, washing done, dinner sorted for that night, pick up stuff from the shops on the way to and from nursery/grandparents without it really infringing on my work day.

So am I pissing in the wind here? Would I be making life difficult/stressful for myself and feel guilty to work if I'm doing childcare runs most days that take as long as a lunch break, and then nip off early to pick her up too? My work is flexible and as long as the work gets done, no one seems too too bothered about hours.

Do I just need to suck it up and accept that 9am-5pm is easier/simpler? Even if it means seeing DD for only a couple of hours either side of childcare runs? My heart might break (my mum has had her today and I feel really envious of them getting out and about... I should be the one taking her to those places).

OP posts:
MrsKeithRichards · 19/02/2013 16:01

Is there any scope to do hours between 8pm and into the late night? I know time difference wise it'll be total out of hours where your clients are but admin stuff?

BreadForMyBREADGUN · 19/02/2013 16:09

Any way you can find a childminder that could do an early start and drop at nursery, and the day she's at GPs could you do a later start and finish?

coraltoes · 19/02/2013 16:10

I work your aspac hours. Full time. But DH does morning duties, and I collect from nursery at 3,30pm. Still pay full day but don't mind. Unless you have a good structure to enable this it will only introduce stress to your setup...

Twattergy · 19/02/2013 16:10

Sounds like too many complications involved in working the early morning shift. A lot of opportunities for it all to go tits up. 9 to 5 sounds more practical. And the reality is, if you want to work then, yes, someone else will have the fun/hassle/joy/pain of being with your child instead of you, and your time with them will be limited.

mollymole · 19/02/2013 16:12

Can you afford a live in au pair to do the morning runs/occassional full days etc. She would still have plenty of time for study. this would take a lot of stress away for you.

BreadForMyBREADGUN · 19/02/2013 16:12

Don't forget that in a few short years this will have to fit around school as well

iwantflexibility · 19/02/2013 16:12

Yes that is a possibility and I forgot to add in my OP that I'd be contactable by blackberry in the afternoons anyway. DD is usually soundo by 7pm so I could do an hour then maybe if I needed to.

I'm just wondering whether the whole thing will be a complete rush and my working day will feel a bit of a faff, just for 2-3 hours in the afternoon????

We're half thinking about hoping for DC2 to arrive next summer, so this may only be for a year or so anyway. God knows how I'll work it when I've got 2, will I be less pfb and happier to be apart from them by then?

OP posts:
13Iggis · 19/02/2013 16:13

I would pay for the extra hour at nursery for a start - you need a bit of 'slack' in the system. Remember naps will change, and can even be adjusted a bit to suit you Smile
It does sound complicated - will you dh do everything he can to support the arrangement? (He does seem to be getting off lightly in terms of altering his working practices.) Could dd ever sleep over at gps, so you would be free in the morning? Maybe you could pay someone (eg a student) to take dd to the nursery from your home, so you could keep working.

iwantflexibility · 19/02/2013 16:16

I'm not sure a childminder will help as I'll still need to get DD to them.

An au pair isn't practical, we're in a 2 bed flat. not sure where I'd put that bike with baby seat now I think of it

School runs should be ok as there are plenty of breakfast clubs and I would then deffo split my day into the evening and wouldn't mind this if I'm not starting at 6am.

OP posts:
BreadForMyBREADGUN · 19/02/2013 16:19

I do these hours btw - the only reason it works is that DP does drop off for 9am as he's working from home, and it means I get back early enough for school pick up. Its definitely worth doing if you can manage it. Can your DP be a but flexible, or are his hours fixed with certain jobs.

iwantflexibility · 19/02/2013 16:22

The extra hour at nursery is the easiest part I think. It's the mornings that are difficult. And I don't want to be fobbing DD off with cbeebies whilst I work before she's palmed off to all and sundry for the day.

I agree that DH gets off quite lightly and we've had numerous rows about this very point actually, but the nature of his work means early mornings are par for the course and he often works 1hr+ drive away. If he could find local work then I'm sure it would be fine for him to start at 8.15am. But local work in his field is few and far between. In fact, he's at the most local place now and has to leave at 7.30am to get there for 8am. If only nursery did a 7.30am start he could drop her en route. Though that still doesn't solve it on days he's working elsewhere.

OP posts:
Dozer · 19/02/2013 16:25

maybe your DH could make more compromises, eg taking public transport or renting a car when working away. Otherwise 9-5 seems the least stressful option, 6am starts are tough on everyone unless you have live-in, which isn't an option for you, and it might be expecting too much of grandparents to pick up on their days.

Or could you work slightly less than FT, eg 9-3 some of the days? Often because of tax a 10-20% cut in hours doesn't mean the same cut in salary.

iwantflexibility · 19/02/2013 16:25

Ok. So those hours are precious and I think are worth it too. As DD gets older we can do painting and reading and baking and stuff.

If she's out til 5-5.30pm every day, it'll be home, dinner, bath and bed :( :(

OP posts:
iwantflexibility · 19/02/2013 16:28

DH would use the train/his bike for this local place, but can't take his bike on the train during rush hour (needs to be on a train before 6.40) Angry. The furthest place he works is a £25 return on the train to get there by public transport and he usually starts there at 7am.

God, being a working mummy is so hard eh? I used to think women could have it all if they made it happen, and now that feels like I was being a bit naive. Still determined to try and find a way though...

OP posts:
Dozer · 19/02/2013 16:29

"I don't want to be fobbing DD off with cbeebies whilst I work before she's palmed off to all and sundry for the day"

Um, that is a bit harsh on people who work FT and childcare providers too!

And anyway, surely the point about that is that most DC that age would constantly interrupt parents' work, ceebeebies or no, and employers don't look kindly on people "working from home" while doing childcare.

iwantflexibility · 19/02/2013 16:31

Cutting my hours isn't really an option - I'm the one with the steady and slightly income. DH is self-employed, so sporadic and yes very annoying when he's off during a day when we're paying for nursery. Plus we're saving for a house so need all the cash we can get you would've thought a £100k deposit and decent salaries would cut it but not round these parts apparently but that's for another thread

OP posts:
BreadForMyBREADGUN · 19/02/2013 16:31

Are shorter hours not an option at all - 9-4pm perhaps

BreadForMyBREADGUN · 19/02/2013 16:31

Ah, xposts.

But if you cut your hours by say 15% you'll probably save some of the difference in childcare?

iwantflexibility · 19/02/2013 16:33

That's what I meant Dozer... That I would need to use the telly to babysit/entertain DD whilst I was working in that interim period between DH leaving for the day and me and her leaving to go to nursery/grandparents. And also that I feel guilty sending her off out for the day whilst I work from home...

Sorry, didn't mean it like you thought...

OP posts:
Dozer · 19/02/2013 16:34

The sad fact is that being there for the DC in the afternoons isn't often compatible with FT wages!

On the plus side if you can work from home no time is wasted commuting.

Are you the higher earner?If so, then is it affordable for your DH to decline work further away and / or start later? That is how it often works when the men are the higher earners, the lower earner has to make the compromises work-wise.

iwantflexibility · 19/02/2013 16:34

But working until 4pm won't give me much more time to spend with DD really, by the time I've picked her up, it'll be time to get home for dinner.

OP posts:
Iggly · 19/02/2013 16:36

How do you know you'll be expected to work 5 days? Can you put in a permanent request for 4 days?

I have two dc now and don't like working 4 days - its harder this time around than when I came back after my first.

So hold your horses until dc2 arrives.

Dozer · 19/02/2013 16:39

If your DH is there sometimes, when not working, perhaps DD won't be in FT childcare all the time, and you could see her, but with him in charge kind of thing?

iwantflexibility · 19/02/2013 16:44

I'm using annual leave to go part time at the moment since coming back after mat leave. I've still got tons of days, so will use those to take off 1 day per week (so working 4 days) and then will need to go back to 5 days once they've run out (and will still have a new year's worth to use for proper holidays).

We considered DH doing 4 days a week but him dropping down equates to a loss of about £600-800pm. Happy for DD to stay home on the days he's off on nursery days.

yes, I want my cake and to eat it. I want to keep up a career, I want to earn FT wages, I want to see DD. I have a flexible employer and it's SOOOO frustrating that DH's lack of possible flexibility is preventing all this.

time to start nagging him again to set up properly on his own

OP posts:
Dozer · 19/02/2013 16:49

It is v v difficult to "have it all", you have analysed it all and unless your Dh changes his stance will need to choose between FT wages and seeing less of your Dd than you want, or more time but less cash.

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