to be pissed off that I can't make the most of flexible working?

[iwantflexibility]

This is long, and I've name changed. I need someone to look at this and tell me there is a way.

I currently work 3 days a week from home, 9am-5pm. DD is 14 months old and spends 2 days in nursery and 1 day with grandparents. Soon I'll be expected to do 4 day, then probably 5 days by the end of the year.

My client base is Asia-Pac and pre-maternity leave I worked 6am-2pm. I'm 99.9% sure I could suggest doing this again and my boss would support it. This would be great in terms of spending time with DD in the afternoons whilst still earning a full time salary and to be honest, was the only thing that was getting me through the idea of working full time. My thinking was that DD would do 3 mornings in nursery then 2 mornings with grandparents.

However, I'm not sure it'll be feasible :(. The only way I can do it is if DH can get DD up and dressed in the mornings and take care of the childcare runs. He's freelance and tends to work in one place for a few weeks before going somewhere else for a few weeks, so it's a bit sporadic. He needs to leave anywhere from 5:30am-7:30am (using our one and only car). Nursery opens at 8am and is a 20 minute walk each way. Also, a morning session at nursery is 8am-1pm (though they said they could just charge an hourly rate thereafter). Grandparent days shouldn't be a problem as they can have her (and maybe even pick her up) whenever and they are closer anyway.

We could get a cheap second car or a bike with baby seat for me to do the drop-offs a bit quicker....

I could, on the days DH would be here until 7.30am, just block out 45-60 mins on my calendar for those 3 nursery mornings? So it wouldn't be every day but some days it would earlier/longer than that.

DD is really happy at her nursery, so seems unfair to think about moving her to one that does an earlier start (and in fact the only one I'd consider doesn't do half days until 2yo).

She usually wakes at about 7.15am, but what about the days she wakes at 6.45am and I've got a call scheduled in at 7am and DH has gone early?

DD naps at lunchtime now, meaning if I paid extra for her to stay at nursery after 1pm it would only really be for her to sleep... So my thinking was she'd nap in the buggy on the way home from nursery until about 2.30pm giving me time to tidy up loose ends at work. Then we can go to the park/zoo/pool/library and hang out...

But there are also times when I need to go into London. Sod's law that it'll be on a day when she's only at nursery until 1pm and then I'll have to call in another favour with the grandparents to collect her and look after her until I get home. And no chance of me expensing the cost of nursery to come into work outside of my "working hours"!

DH going in to work late isn't really an option. We'd stand to lose anywhere between £200-600pm if he's an hour or 2 late...

At the moment, her official nursery hours are 8am-6pm but we usually do something more like 8.15am-5pm. And in that time I can get my food shop ordered, delivered, washing done, dinner sorted for that night, pick up stuff from the shops on the way to and from nursery/grandparents without it really infringing on my work day.

So am I pissing in the wind here? Would I be making life difficult/stressful for myself and feel guilty to work if I'm doing childcare runs most days that take as long as a lunch break, and then nip off early to pick her up too? My work is flexible and as long as the work gets done, no one seems too too bothered about hours.

Do I just need to suck it up and accept that 9am-5pm is easier/simpler? Even if it means seeing DD for only a couple of hours either side of childcare runs? My heart might break (my mum has had her today and I feel really envious of them getting out and about... I should be the one taking her to those places).

I haven't all, as you put it...but that's cos DH has stepped up to the mark...it is a 2 man job

Yes I want my cake and want to eat it all too.

But working full time means you are away from your children sadly. That's life.

Why don't you cut down your hours (sorry if I missed that bit).

Could you do the 2 days that the grandparents have them from 6-2 (maybe grandparents could have her overnight one night before they have her or could they pick her up from yours when she wakes up)? Then work the other 3 days 9-5 (or if you can back from nursery earlier 8.15-4.15)? Or work an hour every night (7-8pm) or 2 hours for 2 nights (7-9pm) to cut some nursery time in the afternoon.

Unfortunately, you're trying to long term plan, which is really very difficult when you've a young child. Their needs change as they grow, and what might fit in perfectly now, possibly won't in two months' time. If I could have all in one go all the time I spend waiting for colleagues, children, DH, grandparents, I'd be very time-rich. Alas, life's not like that. Lower your expectations, otherwise you'll be totally stressed out be perceived wasted time. If your DH happens to be home on a day you've paid for nursery, he should either make good use of the time at home, or look upon it as extra time with DD.

You admit you're wanting to have it all. I'm afraid some compromises are needed. I think a large majority of mums returning to work feel the same way. You'll feel guilty whatever you decide to do. Just don't beat yourself up about it.

It's very hard to fit in time with a young child when you work full time.

A couple of things you haven't mentioned but I'd consider

1. You will be knackered if you try to fit in a full time job AND time with your child particularly if you're working into the evening. Plus (not wishing to be all doom and gloom) what happens if your child turns into a nightmare sleeper? Can you sustain this level of activity?

2. I'd check how flexible nursery actually can be. They are unlikely to turn down someone who wants (and will pay for) the whole afternoon in favour of you paying for an hour or 2. So you might end up paying for the whole day (which potentially isn't a problem I guess?)

I'd personally thinking about working 8-4 (perhaps starting slightly earlier if it fits into your DH's schedule or grandparents can take her earlier, so you can start slightly later on the days they can't). DD will have had her nap (and potentially had the tea that nurseries seem to serve about 3.30) and be amenable for a trip down the park or just some silly games at home. You won't be doing huge trips out, but I think that's a pipe dream on top of a full time working day.

What YorkPud said.

Or, is there someone who works at the nursery that could come to yours at 7am and take DC to nursery when their shift started? There were a few girls at DC nursery that would do this 'babysitting' (I.e. you are not employing them as nanny so the nursery don't want ££ off you) and bring DC into nursery at their usual time.

I don't think you can work a 40 hour week and spend all of the your daughters waking hours with her. However, if your employer is of the persuasion that it is more important that the work gets done that that you work set hours and you are prepared to be inventive, then you can find a way to make at least some of it work for you.

Work with your husband, can he allow you to work a bit at weekends if you need to catch up? On the days he is off, can he catch up on the household tasks and also perhaps spend some time with your DD. Perhaps you can also split the tasks you are currently managing to get done 'without infringing on your work day'. These tasks will be infringing on your day!

I wouldn't rely on trying to work during nap time or worry about paying nursery for her to sleep as it will be worth not having to break your day and spend her nap time looking at the monitor waiting for her to wake up.

You might be able to find one of the nursery workers who could start at 6:30, get her up and take her to nursery and if they have lots of part time staff, someone may be able to drop her home. There may also be a nanny locally who looks after school aged children (or who has school aged children, we had one for a while, worked well) who could do the pick up for you.

Work out how best to use your parents too, the overnight suggestion can work, or perhaps they could pick her up every day?

Don't leave yourself constantly looking at the clock or checking your blackberry either. Allow yourself enough time to do your job and when you step away, step away! Having a small child is tiring so the 6-2 shift might be harder than it was before.

If you can afford it, pay for more childcare than you need so you can cover your days in London and extra work in crunch times.

Think latterly and engage your husband in a constructive conversation, it is not all down to you but don't blame your DH if he doesn't feel the same way (tough that one!!) or his job situation does not allow the same flexibility.

You should also factor in your entitlement to unpaid parental leave. Max of 4 weeks a year (but max of 13 weeks until your child is 10) you could use for proper holidays while you take annual leave one day a week. You might want to save these until school holidays but you get another 13 weeks for DC2 anyway.

Can you work split shifts? 9-1pm, then 7pm-11pm

Going back to your thread title, you aren't really wanting to do flexible working are you in the way most people understand it, as in you don't want to make a request for temporary part-time hours or a compressed week or whatever?
You can't really expect to continue to receive a full-time salary, your dh continuing as before, pay part-time childcare, and spend lots of time with your dcs.
I'm afraid more time with children equates to one (or both) of you reducing hours and salary.
I also agree with posters saying you will be worn out trying to do a full-time job and then look after your dd for a big chunk of the day.

Your 6am-2pm plan sounds stressful. 9-5pm sounds better but 5 days will be very hard on you too. I know it's so hard making these decisions, you are trying to do the best for your DD and also trying to save for the house but cut yourself some slack, you have to keep yourself sane and healthy too. I think someone else said it already but is there any way you can stick to 3 or 4 days?

Your DD might soon change her sleeping pattern and drop her nap, or want to sleep in longer in the mornings,or not sleep so well at night,so it all keeps changing. And it all changes again once they start school!

6-2 sounds perfectly do able and then you'll be able to spend afternoons with DD. I'd do it. I would do as someone else suggested and see if you can find one/two of the nursery girls who would come to yours for an hour or so to give DD breakfast, play with her & take her to nursery when DH isn't at home. You could even get them to come the days your parents have DD so that it's not such an early start for them.

OR

See how flexible work can be. My friend works flexible full time hours and they are happy that she gets the job done, they don't mind when she does it. She has a few time slots a week where they know they can schedule in calls/meetings etc - it works really well for her/them.

Of course you want to maximise both income and time with DD & you are lucky that you have the flexibility that some don't - make the most of it.

Where there's a will, there's a way :)

Just to say that, for a three week period last year, I picked DD (then 2.6) up from nursery every day at 4pm and loved it. She was having bathtime around 6pm then and 2 hours seemed to be the perfect time to fill, especially as she'd already had tea at nursery just before I picked her up so needed no more than a sandwich which I could take with us if we went out or make very quickly if we were at home. It was long enough for a trip to the park or a walk to the local shop or baking but also a short enough period for me to play with her and fill it quite easily with a mix of stories, play dough, jigsaws etc and not too much imaginative play which I find incredibly dull.

8-4 would be the most practical option and still give you a couple of hours a day with DD before tea time etc. You would also see her in the mornings before work.

6-2 sounds extremely complicated and not really feasible in your situation.

Off to bed in a mo as knackered from waking up lots in the night thinking about all this....

8-4 wouldn't help as I can't drop DD off at nursery before 8am so by the time I'd have done that I'd be late for work already!

Nursery do hot lunch at 12ish then snack at 3pm then tea at 5ish. They have said they are happy with whatever arrangements I want really. Interesting about asking one of the staff to take DD there... I'll check that out.

I need to talk to DH more but I think I'm going to see if we can give 6-2 a whirl when I go up to 4 days and see how we get on. Realistically it only means getting up 45 mins earlier than I do now so as long as I'm more disciplined about going to bed at a decent time it should be ok.

DH should also be able to drop DD off at grandparents if he's at the close work. If not then either I'll use my mythical bike / cheap runaround / walk or the grandparents can collect... There are 3 sets of GPs and they rotate the days they have her so it shouldn't be too often they need to traipse out early....

Think I need to give it a go at least and if it doesn't work out I can go back to 9-5.

I'll keep you posted!

I will probably get shot down in flames but your post has made my head hurt just thinking about it.
i think you are being unrealistic if you expect to earn a full time salary, pay part time child care and spend every afternoon with you dc. Also why is this just your problem? Why is you dh not coming up with solutions. He's the most flexible being self employed so if you're going to do the early hours then he needs to facilitate this for you- also it is a massive burden to put on your parents EVERY week.

As a SAHM I feel that brining up you dc is in itself a full time job, not something that should be made to fit in around your other full time job- you'll end up so knackered that I wonder whether your afternoons together will actually be quality time.

One of you needs to compromise.

Your plan looks like an awful lot of juggling, and it is going to be night on impossible if you have only one car and DH always gets first dibs on it. It'll be horrendously stressful if DH plans change and you end up stuck.

I think you'd be better off looking to see whether you could condense your days, so that you do 4 x 10 hour days- drop DD at nursery for exactly 8am, get back for 8.20 am, take 20 mins for lunch, leave at 5.40pm to pick her up. Obviously on days when GP take DD you've got more flexibility, but if you did 4 days to fit in with nursery hours you're not going to be stuck if GP can't take her. You'd then get 1 clear day during the week to do things with DD.