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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite sister's boyfriend to our wedding?

41 replies

LittlePicnic · 18/02/2013 20:20

We're getting married next year. I am not sure whether to invite my older sister's boyfriend. We (my siblings and I) are mixed race. He has circulated material that I find racially offensive; as did all others in our family, including DP, but not her. she doesn't seem to understand why his views have offended us? Do I invite him to keep her happy and keep the peace or do what would make DP and I happy (and certainly upset her). She is a bridesmaid.

OP posts:
Teeb · 18/02/2013 20:22

How long have they been together?

AmberLeaf · 18/02/2013 20:23

Your wedding so its up to up to you. Obviously not inviting him will upset her.

What was the material, what was your sisters response to it?

BOF · 18/02/2013 20:26

I think I'd probably keep the peace and invite him. Big family occasions tend to feature having to put up with faintly racist distant relatives, so as long as you don't really have to speak to him or seat him near people he is likely to offend, I'd have him there just to keep your sister happy.

hermioneweasley · 18/02/2013 20:26

At the time did you tell him you found it offensive?

deleted203 · 18/02/2013 20:26

Is your sister mixed race, too? It seems a very odd thing to circulate racially offensive material if you are actually dating someone who is mixed race!

FWIW I think if you don't want him at your wedding you would be well within your rights to say to your sister that you are not prepared to have him there as his racist views are not welcomed by anyone else in the family, including yourself and DP.

Adversecamber · 18/02/2013 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babiesinslingsgetcoveredinfood · 18/02/2013 20:27

So your sister is mixed race & her boyfriend posted potentially racist material on FB?

What was it, roughly? How long have they been together? Do you normally get on? Could you/would you address it with him?

Don't know if you Abu yet

usualsuspect · 18/02/2013 20:29

I think you have to invite him or risk upsetting your sister. Would she come without him,?

Original poster
LittlePicnic · 18/02/2013 20:31

Yes, my sister is mixed race but I think she sometimes says racist things herself and only when I call her up on it does she even realise. For a while he refused to attend any of our family events so I didn't tell him what I thought of the material. It was on a cd she gave to me and another sister. My DP listened to it twice because at first he could not believe what he was hearing Hmm.

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 18/02/2013 20:32

Maybe you need to discuss this offence with him? He may well be a fully signed up member of the EDL who actually IS a racist twat and therefore of course you won't want him anywhere near you let alone at your wedding.

Or maybe he's simply a thoughtless jerk to shares too much on Facebook without actually getting his brain into gear... I know a few usually alright people who've shared things in anger or without thinking that are not necessarily racist bastards. Mostly when I point out what they are sharing is racist propaganda they are embarrassed (good)...

I suppose it's up to you as to whether you give him a chance or not, and whether doing it for the sake of your sister is a worthy reason... that is totally your call.

AmberLeaf · 18/02/2013 20:32

What was it then?

BOF · 18/02/2013 20:32

What was the CD? Klanned?

HollyBerryBush · 18/02/2013 20:32

One thing about adult life is accepting friends and family choose partners we may not like or approve of. If you want to isolate your sister, then exclude him?

What was the material? Like to a political group? poor choice of joke? A common sterotype?

Original poster
LittlePicnic · 18/02/2013 20:32

They have been together about 18 months. Sadly she won't be single, so she would only end things with him if she met someone new.

OP posts:
deleted203 · 18/02/2013 20:33

It was a song? FWIW I dislike quite a lot of rap lyrics but I wouldn't ban someone from my wedding for listening to this type of music. Or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

aldiwhore · 18/02/2013 20:34

Ah sorry, guilty of facebook assumption!!!

What kind of CD was it? I remember a Kevin Bloody Wilson CD going the rounds. it was VERY funny but actually I could see why someone else would think it deeply offensive, it was very close to the bone.

ceramicunicorn · 18/02/2013 20:34

What was the material on a CD? Was it a song that was offensive and he maybe didn't listen to the lyrics?

AmberLeaf · 18/02/2013 20:34

Is her boyfriend black or white as you havent said.

Original poster
LittlePicnic · 18/02/2013 20:34

The message was basically not to befriend people of the same race as my DP and our mother.Hmm I don't want to isolate or exclude her, but I really don't want him there.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittlePicnic · 18/02/2013 20:36

He made the cd. He is black. His personal comments like a VoiceOver with songs in the background.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 18/02/2013 20:36

What was the material.

Very hard to give an opinion without knowing what it was.

HollyBerryBush · 18/02/2013 20:36

Race or nationality? or religion even?

TigerseyeMum · 18/02/2013 20:38

Can you talk to your sister about your dilemma? Rather than make decision then present it as a fait accompli.

Explain what upset you and others, and how that might affect whether you invite him. If you want her to be there then make sure you tell her. She sounds like she has trouble being on her own, would she come alone? Could she bring someone else?

Could she come alone then meet someone nicer who happens to be sitting at her table....

greenplastictrees · 18/02/2013 20:38

Guessing he's a long term fixture in your sisters life in which case I think education may be the best, perhaps via your sister. If you don't and chose not to invite him you are likely to isolate your sister. It's a tough one though.

AmberLeaf · 18/02/2013 20:38

If you dont want him there then dont invite him, but you know it will upset your sister so your call really.