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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite sister's boyfriend to our wedding?

41 replies

LittlePicnic · 18/02/2013 20:20

We're getting married next year. I am not sure whether to invite my older sister's boyfriend. We (my siblings and I) are mixed race. He has circulated material that I find racially offensive; as did all others in our family, including DP, but not her. she doesn't seem to understand why his views have offended us? Do I invite him to keep her happy and keep the peace or do what would make DP and I happy (and certainly upset her). She is a bridesmaid.

OP posts:
greenplastictrees · 18/02/2013 20:39

By the way I don't envy you having to make this decision! It's awful. :(

babiesinslingsgetcoveredinfood · 18/02/2013 20:42

Hmmm, with the info of what you've said, perhaps YANBU

But, maybe if given the chance to hang out with people of a different race (I'm presuming white in this case, but I guess maybe not?) he might realise they're ok?

aldiwhore · 18/02/2013 20:45

Right, so these are his own views (as he made the CD) yet he's dating someone that goes counter to those views, and has circulated this view to you and your other siblings, in the full knowledge that you are the target of that criticism?

He sounds like a knob. I would speak to your sister, perhaps let her shoulder some responsibility for his behaviour if he is to be invited. Can she guaruntee he won't cause upset on the day?

Certainly turn him down if he offers to provide the entertainment!!

I think you need the whole family on board with this one, your DP especially.

HecateWhoopass · 18/02/2013 20:46

So if I'm reading it right - he doesn't like white people?

And he is with a mixed race person? [boggle] Presumably he understands how that happens? Hmm

But he refused to socialise with your white (I assume) mother and your (white again?) partner?

I wouldn't have him at the wedding and I'd not be shy about why.

I don't like racists and they shouldn't be tolerated.

Titchyboomboom · 18/02/2013 20:47

My dad hated my ex and only invited her to the ceremony, not the reception, or the meal!!! It put me in an awful position as I was a bridesmaid and was so upset. In the end she came to the reception too but still not the meal. I can now see she was bad for me but awful at the time

HollyBerryBush · 18/02/2013 20:51

We dont know the Op is mixed race white.

Im assuming anglo asian and the black BF is putting up anti islamic posts but pointing at the Ops home culture, ie pakistani?

I might be way off though

Original poster
LittlePicnic · 18/02/2013 20:53

Hecate- he initially wouldn't socialise with any of us, black, white or mixed. I don't think it was because of race, but being non- committal to her. Later dumped her (left a note on her coffee table)!! She took him back a couple of months later. Now we don't invite him to family gatherings, because of his views.

OP posts:
slambang · 18/02/2013 20:54

What a difficult one.
I think I would tell your sister and her BF very frankly in a sit-down with a cup of teac chat that you would invite him but you are not sure if you can because of his openly expressing racist views towards members of your family.

Then leave it to him to resolve for you. Either he will be horrified that he has upset people, apologise and want to reassure you that he didn't mean it. Or he is an ignorant tosser and will stand by his comments, in which case you'll have a clear answer that you can't invite him - and perhaps your sister's eyes will be opened a bit too.

Original poster
LittlePicnic · 18/02/2013 20:54

Me and siblings are mixed- white and black.

OP posts:
BOF · 18/02/2013 20:55

Well, just don't invite him to this one then. I doubt anyone will be surprised. It's difficult to make sense of what the issues are really because of all the drip-feeding, sorry.

Original poster
LittlePicnic · 18/02/2013 20:55

I don't think sister would refuse to attend if he wasn't invited, but so far just been mulling it over and not said anything to her.

OP posts:
HecateWhoopass · 18/02/2013 20:56

Well, clearly he's got some sort of problem, hasn't he?

to be very honest, I wouldn't give a shit what his problem is. I just wouldn't make it mine by suffering him at my wedding. What if he ruined it by behaving badly? That's a day you can't get back!

How does he treat your sister? I'm guessing not very well. Sad

lurkedtoolong · 18/02/2013 21:01

I think you have to sit your sister down and ask her why she's with this guy. She is being incredibly insulting to your mum (do you share the same mum?) by being with a man who distributes racist materials calling for people not to mix with people of your mum and your DP's race. I think you have to ask your sister why she would want to be with this man who insults her family in this way and say you feel that you can't invite him to the wedding when he clearly has such racist feelings about your entire family.

YANBU at to not want this man at your wedding and if your sister doesn't like it then she really has to look at the kind of people she chooses to mix with.

Adversecamber · 18/02/2013 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nenevomito · 18/02/2013 22:07

Speak to your sister about it, but be prepared for her saying she won't come either. It's your wedding so your call who you invite.

Family can be a PITA.

Cassarick · 18/02/2013 22:28

You said you are getting married NEXT year. I would just let it all ride out and see whether she's still with him when the invites go out. Maybe they will have split up and you won't have the dilemma at all.

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