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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is this perfectly normal/ acceptable??

50 replies

threesypeesy · 18/02/2013 09:21

a few weeks ago i swapped dh mobiles and while i was setting it up with my email, i clocked his email open... i dont know why i snooped i never do but i found emails from facebook that he had been messaging a girl on private chat. i could only see what she said and i was thanks for listening last night ment alot and your right i deserve better!

i kept quiet but was seethiing i find it inappropriate to say the least

roll on yesterday and he started a niggly argument and out it all poured by me that i had seen it.. for a secpnd he denoed then said what do you expext you leave me to go to bed at 11pm every night we have 3 dcs im tired and dd3 has only slept through for past 6 weeks.

so now were not talking but its as if hes treating me as beeing in the wrong to make it worse i screamed it all infront of dds wich i am ashamed of. hardly slept a wink

aibu or is he?

OP posts:
frustratedworkingmum · 18/02/2013 09:24

you know his is out of line, the question is, how far has it gone? Who is this girl and how did he "meet" her? He is on the defensive - id be snooping like a mad thing

Shutupanddrive · 18/02/2013 09:24

He is being U!! And don't let him convince you otherwise. Who is the girl? Do you know her?

frustratedworkingmum · 18/02/2013 09:24

"he deserves better"? really? He deserves a kick in the balls and a new home in a bedsit, thts what he deserves

HecateWhoopass · 18/02/2013 09:26

people with a guilty conscience often go on the attack and seek to make the other person the bad guy.

It's worth remembering that so that you don't allow him to pull that one on you!

lottiegarbanzo · 18/02/2013 09:27

'Leave him to go to bed at 11' - what time does he want to go to bed? What does he think is normal?

Sounds like trying to make up excuses for something he knows is wring, that he was doing purely because he wanted to.

LeaveTheBastid · 18/02/2013 09:27

The fact that you even have to ask if YABU is really sad. Hes confiding in another woman, things that he should be confiding in you - his bloody wife! Do not let him flip this onto you. You aren't the one messaging other men telling them all about your marriage issues in the hope of getting a sympathy shag no doubt

lottiegarbanzo · 18/02/2013 09:30

No, he had said the woman deserved better. OP only saw her side of the conversation. He could just have been 'listening' but still felt guilty.

Original poster
threesypeesy · 18/02/2013 09:30

dont know how they met he just said ive knowen her ages and shes having relationship problems... then stated he never moaned about us only gave her advice so ive nothing to worry about. i know for a fact he hasnt met up with her we do bump into her in town but i dnt know her and they exchange and hiya. im just raging

OP posts:
Original poster
threesypeesy · 18/02/2013 09:31

not our issues apart from thos weve had none its her issues

OP posts:
BambieO · 18/02/2013 09:33

Not defending as I think it's totally unacceptable but you don't know that he has been confiding in her or telling her he is unhappy. He could just be 'talking and listening to her'. I would demand access to all emails immediately before he has chance to delete any and take it from there

fluffyraggies · 18/02/2013 09:35

Can you ask to see his side of the convo. OP?

It could be that it was an innocent talk. If this is the case you can go forward and talk about the 'what do you expect' thing. Is he saying he's lonely? Or what?

BambieO · 18/02/2013 09:37

To be honest the more I think about it the more I would be raging... BUT it would be extremely bad double standards in my book. I have lots of male work friends and we exchange banter and messages just catching up seeing what's going on in each others lives etc. They know I'm happily married I know they are in happy relationships, it's all purely platonic from both sides. DH knows them but not well, they are my friends not his, it could all be completely innocent.

The defensiveness is the only catch, I would happily acknowledge if I had spoken to one of them or relay funny parts of our conversations to DH so it does seem a tiny bit odd. Perhaps he may have thought you would be angry that's why he is hiding it?

mmmuffins · 18/02/2013 09:39

To be honest initially the conversation sounds fairly innocent - him giving an old friend a relationship advice/ a chance to moan.

His reaction to you finding out does make it seem like he has something to be guilty about though; completely unnecessary to deny it, and then be angry with you.

Original poster
threesypeesy · 18/02/2013 09:40

no hes saying we have no problems hes a good man great dad etc

but im shocked that even one sided he would be there for another woman emotionally!! and be secretive with it! that why i was questionong me bu. she seems to lile every blopdy status he puts on facebook and im fed up seeing her blopdy name. he thinks im acting jelous.

OP posts:
SomethingProfound · 18/02/2013 09:41

OP, just for clarification as the way I read you I OP is that he has clearly been saying to the girl that she deserves better. As you said you could only see what SHE wrote so I assume it was her that said "thanks for listening, your right I do deserve better"?

Assuming I'm correct, it sounds to me like your DH has been a shoulder to lean on for this girl, whether his intentions were honourable or not I can't tell.

But it sounds to me like he is talking to her out if boredom, and being a bit of a shoulder to lean on.

I don't see why you have such an issue with that, FWIW I think your being a little OTT.

LeaveTheBastid · 18/02/2013 09:41

Sorry OP, misread the part about you only seeing her side of the conversation.

It could all be innocent, but the red flag for me would be him blaming you for whatever has has said to this woman. "We'll, what do you expect it's your fault for leaving me to go to bed at 11pm" Hmm your fault for what? Him giving a dear old friend valuable relationship advice? I don't think so somehow.

Original poster
threesypeesy · 18/02/2013 09:43

somethingprofound thats exactly right and i guess i question the reaction and the fact he knows this is something id find inappropreate for him to do.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 18/02/2013 09:45

Yes the turning it round and blaming you says he has something to feel guilty about. It it was totally and utterly innocent I can't see why he would have done that.

CatsRule · 18/02/2013 09:49

If it was innocent he wouldn't have been defensive with you blaming you for dc sleeping or not and you going ro bed at 11! He also would tell you about it or show you both sides if it was innocent.

Don't fall into the trap of taking the blame for his wrong doing...life can be tough at times and we don't always pay attention to (or indeed get attention from) our loved ones as we should but he is an adult and should understand that and not go emotionally or physically to anyone else. This is not your fault. But you do need to set the rules and stop it now and make it clear to him that it is not acceptable.

pictish · 18/02/2013 09:50

Mmmm...I'm a bit yeah but no but yeah but no about this.

Maybe there's something dodgy about it, but as far as I can tell he has offered some words of comfort to someone online and that's all.
As an adult, he can talk to who he likes, surely? There's nothing incriminating there at all.

SomethingProfound · 18/02/2013 09:53

Has he always been aware that this is something you would fine unacceptable? If so you have every right to be upset, as by talking to her he has deliberately done something he knows you find to be inappropriate.

If he wasn't aware then it's not really fair to go off on him as he didn't realise this was such an issue you for you.

But the real issue here is why do you have such strong feelings about your DP simply being a shoulder to lean on (taking it all at face value)? Do you trust him? Or is him being emotionally supportive of someone else simply too intimate for you to feel comfortable with?

How would you react if it were a male friend?

pictish · 18/02/2013 09:55

Has he always been aware that this is something you would fine unacceptable? If so you have every right to be upset, as by talking to her he has deliberately done something he knows you find to be inappropriate.

Nope. Don't agree. No one gets to tell their partner who they can and cannot talk to!

SomethingProfound · 18/02/2013 09:55

Sorry for poor typing iPhone and lack of sleep are a bad combo.

fluffyraggies · 18/02/2013 09:56

Strictly on the subject of his late night conversation and how he reacted when you confronted him:

When you say he denyed it - what did you accuse him of exactly?

To explain: I have a tendency to get pulled into 'giving a shoulder to cry on', 'lending an ear' type conversations with all sorts of people. I don't do FB, but if i did i can easily picture me getting into a scenario like the one with your DP and this girl. Genders reversed.

If my DH suddenly blurted out, during an argument, that he's seen my half of a conversation like that and said 'i see you've been flirting/getting pally with that bloke ...' bla bla, getting angry, then i might deny it at first - then be defensive. But it wouldn't make me guilty of anything dodgy.

The whole situation would however indicate that we probably need to work on our relationship a bit. re: going to bed at different times and feeling the need to chat to other people late at night. IYSWIM OP?

HoratiaWinwood · 18/02/2013 09:57

In general I'd be proud that someone trusted my DH to advise on his or her relationship - it could say a lot for our marriage in fact.

But if he is getting defensive and blaming you Hmm for it, then that is weird and YANBU.

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