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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is this perfectly normal/ acceptable??

50 replies

threesypeesy · 18/02/2013 09:21

a few weeks ago i swapped dh mobiles and while i was setting it up with my email, i clocked his email open... i dont know why i snooped i never do but i found emails from facebook that he had been messaging a girl on private chat. i could only see what she said and i was thanks for listening last night ment alot and your right i deserve better!

i kept quiet but was seethiing i find it inappropriate to say the least

roll on yesterday and he started a niggly argument and out it all poured by me that i had seen it.. for a secpnd he denoed then said what do you expext you leave me to go to bed at 11pm every night we have 3 dcs im tired and dd3 has only slept through for past 6 weeks.

so now were not talking but its as if hes treating me as beeing in the wrong to make it worse i screamed it all infront of dds wich i am ashamed of. hardly slept a wink

aibu or is he?

OP posts:

Original poster

threesypeesy · 18/02/2013 10:00

he knows id find this innapropriate, he can talk to anyone he wishes but the sneeky seacretness of it all is a nono.

i dont know why im so mad tbh if he has mentioned in passing that it had occured i would have been ok with it.

i would never do this as its to intimate imo

i really cant place why i am so off about this?

OP posts:

AnnieLobeseder · 18/02/2013 10:01

If he has a female friend and is helping her through something, fair enough. But then he'd have no reason to be defensive and certainly no reason to try to blame you for the fact that he's chatting to her. 11pm is a perfectly reasonable, if a little late, time for an adult to go to bed.

Trying to pin anything negative on you is a big red flag for me, sorry.

pictish · 18/02/2013 10:02

Why is it too intimate?
He may well have offered some general words of comfort to someone who was complaining about their other half. What's wrong with that?

Original poster

threesypeesy · 18/02/2013 10:06

yes we do have an amazing marrage we get a lot of compliments on is as a couple.

the turning it roumd to be my fault is wierd and whats bugging me. i am not sure why i feel its too intimate for me to be ok with it just is.

when i told him i was just saying what i had seen no accusations and made it clear why i was upset. hes still not talking to me

im npw half and half that im in the right to be angry and may have over reacted... bloody facebool

OP posts:

SocialClimber · 18/02/2013 10:08

So we have to tell our partners about every conversation we have? Don't be ridiculous. He has not been sneeky or secretive, he's just had a conversation.

The bit I don't agree with is the aftermath. And in my book, 11pm is bloody late, what time would he deem acceptable to go to bed?!

SomethingProfound · 18/02/2013 10:09

Yes Pictish your right and I didn't mean to imply that it is ok to dictate who a partner can or can't talk to, what I meant was that if he was aware that him being an emotional support to someone else was inappropriate for the OP she had every right to be upset as it would be disregarding her feelings by being a support to the woman on FB.

As from what I had gathered from previous posts, that it wasn't about the correspondence per say but the level of emotional support being provided.

Poor wording sorry.

SocialClimber · 18/02/2013 10:10

And come on, if my husband gave me grief for having a conversation with someone (male or female) I'd be defensive too.

fluffyraggies · 18/02/2013 10:10

The thing is OP if you had asked him about it in passing - he might have told you about it in a n 'in passing' sort of way. ie: been allot less defensive about it.

People here are setting allot of store on the way he reacted to being asked about it. But there are lots of ways of asking a person about something, and those ways will elicit a different response, y'know?

What did you say to him?

By the way - don't be too hard on yourself, i can imagine i wouldn't have handled it too well either. I can well imagine the words 'floosy' and 'old tart' slipping out at some point in the 'converstation' with him (unhelpful)

pictish · 18/02/2013 10:11

but im shocked that even one sided he would be there for another woman emotionally!!

Why are you shocked? It's one person showing some kindness to another!

fluffyraggies · 18/02/2013 10:12

x post OP.

Talk to him some more. Explain how you feel/felt at the time.

It sounds like you have a good relationship.

StuntGirl · 18/02/2013 10:12

He gave a friend relationship advice. Why are so het up over it?

Original poster

threesypeesy · 18/02/2013 10:15

yes the talking isnt the problem its the reaction and blaming me 11pm im done in and need sleep im a creature of habit im afraid. i possibly went a bit mad after he got on deffensive was was reasonably calm before that i did say worse than floozy im afraid.

hes a lovely man and im sure gave really nice advice but we always really open and before he would have just said oh poor such and such is having problems so i said to them....

but to blame me for going to bed leaving him bpred is unfair

OP posts:

pictish · 18/02/2013 10:15

I can just imagine my reaction if my husband got all angsty and upset over me offering some general words of comfort to a blokey friend online (not that he would) - and it would be along the lines of 'fuck off and mind your own business" tbh.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 18/02/2013 10:16

I agree with Pictish.

My husband will always listen if someone has a problem, male or female. I like that about him.

Original poster

threesypeesy · 18/02/2013 10:20

everones opinions are great taking them all on bored i will feel bad if i over reacted but im so angry with him!

OP posts:

fluffyraggies · 18/02/2013 10:22

It sounds to me as if his 'what do you expect/going to bed at 11' comment was a stab at you with it's roots in a simple but festering niggle about differing body clocks.

Sometimes tiny things can get blown up out of proportion in an otherwise lovely relationship, and it's such a shame and so hurtful when it does. I think this is one of those times.

My advice would be to take a deep breath and apologise for over reacting (even though alot of us may have felt the same) to get the ball rolling on a chat with him about this. You can explain that you're struggling with the idea of him chatting late at night with a woman, and see what he says, and he can tell why he feels so angsty about the 11pm bedtime thing.

pictish · 18/02/2013 10:27

Good advice fluffy.

I think the 11pm complaint is to do with him feeling out of sync with the OP. I think he's saying he likes to stay up later, and gets company online, when he does.
I don't interpret his words to mean "you go to bed early so I'm justified in having an online affair". I reckon he's just telling it as it is for him. She goes to bed, he gets bored.

NopeStillNothing · 18/02/2013 10:34

Erm, I must be on a different planet here. I really can't see anything wrong with what he has 'done'
Yes the reaction from him seems a bit strange but tbh if my DH went mad about me Pming a male friend I'd be pretty pissed off too.
I think there are other issues at play here but essentially Yabu to go mad about the messages.

Bejeena · 18/02/2013 10:43

I also can't see anything wrong with what he has done. It sounds to me like this woman is a friend on his, maybe someone he knew before you met and it sounds like this woman is having trouble in her relationship and your hubby just chatted to her about it. It sounds totally innocent to me!

The reason he probably didn't tell you is because he really didn't think you would give two hoots as am assuming you don't know the woman and if it was reversed and you were telling him about a conversation you had with a male friend who had relationship issues he would not be interested at all. So for him it was a non issue.

I am sorry I don't get the 11pm bed thing. He doesn't like it that you go to bed at 11pm? I don't think that is the case, he expressed it wrong and you interpreted it wrong. It sounds to me like because you were in bed already he was killing time on facebook and got chatting to this girl. What he meant was if you had still been up he probably would have been spending his time with you and not chatting with this girl.

I am sure that is all it is. Most men are simple creatures that have no intentions of cheating. Sadly most women are not so simple and have control issues.

ChairmanWow · 18/02/2013 10:54

Sounds like the bed at 11 thing was said out annoyance for him snooping in his emails then giving him a hard time for being nice to someone. I'd have been pretty furious too. I mean it doesn't sound like they've exactly had steamy, flirtatious chat. Give him some credit for being a nice guy!

pictish · 18/02/2013 10:56

i did say worse than floozy im afraid

to make it worse i screamed it all infront of dds

What a carry on!! No wonder he's pissed off!

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 18/02/2013 11:03

YABU you don't want him to 'be there emotionally' for another woman? So he isn't allowed female friends? Or private, innocent conversations?

You overreacted and lashed out, he overreacted and lashed out back.

ATJabberwocky · 18/02/2013 11:36

Sorry but YABU.

Just because he was talking to someone you didn't know doesn't mean anything more serious than leading an ear, besides from the context it sounds exactly like a conversation between two friends.

lottiegarbanzo · 18/02/2013 12:22

What I want to know is why, with three dcs, you're tired out and he isn't.

Original poster

threesypeesy · 18/02/2013 18:52

well after talking to dh in a calmer tone today.... he said i over reacted and have nothing to worry about if im insecure or dont trust him thats my problem

i still made it clear as to why i am unhappy with the whole "private chat"

but like alot of you lovely people that took time to comment your point of view i think i may have over reacted and the problem may be in my head!

OP posts:

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