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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uncomfortable about my mum disciplining my DC

29 replies

IcouldstillbeJoseph · 17/02/2013 18:00

Before we start I've not long had another baby so be gentle with the flames Wink

My mum popped by earlier and she is now starting to tell my 3DS(just 2) off for trivial things - which I don't have a problem with but when I'm in the same room, then surely it should be down to me. For example, DS is having a bit of trouble with his molars coming through and is chewing a lot of things. He was sat casually chewing on a Thomas engine - I was about to ask him to take it out of his mouth when my mum said "stop putting things in your mouth - I've told you plenty of times"

I know that sounds like nothing now I've written it down but it's happening all the time and it's starting to piss me off. I'm BU aren't I?!

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 17/02/2013 18:02

Yes, I do think YABU. Personally I am a believer in the 'it take a village' school of parenting. I would have no problem with my mum doing what yours did.

TidyDancer · 17/02/2013 18:02

-take- takes

TidyDancer · 17/02/2013 18:03

Grrr take takes is what I mean!

porridgewithalmondmilk · 17/02/2013 18:04

I don't think anyone ever said the village should constantly discipline and nag and criticise when the parents are around Hmm

CarlingBlackMabel · 17/02/2013 18:04

YANBU.

I do think it's important for children to have independent relationships with the adults they encounter, and if your Mum loooks after him, she needs to be able to deal with him direct. But constantly telling him not to do things, epsecially when he may well feel a bit insecure or displaced, is insensitive.

Say to her that DS is chewing because of his teeth and that you are super-concerned atm not to make him feel he is the 'bad' child who does things wrong while the baby gets all the good attention, so could she try and praise good behaviour, affirm positive things and leave off nagging at him.

bigbuttons · 17/02/2013 18:05

YABU, presumably if she didn't take enough interest you'd be complaining about that too? Be grateful that she's around and grow a thicker skin.

TidyDancer · 17/02/2013 18:05

I don't recall the OP saying that's what was happening. Hmm

TidyDancer · 17/02/2013 18:05

That was to porridge.

TidyDancer · 17/02/2013 18:07

It doesn't sound like the OP is worried about the effect on her DS, she didn't refer to this. She sounds worried that her parental authority is challenged.

I still think she is being unreasonable, although its not the crime of the century.

porridgewithalmondmilk · 17/02/2013 18:08

Fair enough Tidy but to be honest it sounded like that to me - the OP says "it's happening all the time."

The "village" saying I personally take more to mean that a community look out for the welfare and safety of a child, that they don't turn the other way if they see bullying, that they help a child who is lost or distressed or similar. Discipline however is so personal. OK if a child is behaving in a way that is dangerous, or anti social, but putting something in his mouth? That's the sort of issue I would leave to a child's parents Grin

HollyBerryBush · 17/02/2013 18:10

Wouldnt have bothered me - but we were singing from the same hymn sheet.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 17/02/2013 18:11

YANBU it is normal to feel sensitive about your other children when you have a new baby, and that reported comment, while minor in the grand scheme of things, does sound nit picky and naggy.

I would feel irritated too - if it is happening constantly have a gentle word with your mum as Carling suggests, if it was a one off let it go... but from your last comment it isn't a one off and needs addressing. If you try to grin and bare it you may find yourself resenting your mum out of all proportion and it will get harder to have a casual off hand conversation about it if it is getting under your skin. To me "it takes a village" is about people looking out for kids, teaching them their specific skills etc. not about people jumping in and telling off a small child for very, very minor things in front of a parent!

JollyRedGiant · 17/02/2013 18:16

If it is something I was going to say anyway I have no problem with my mum saying it

However, I wouldn't be making an issue of chewing things and I would be upset if my mum gave DS into trouble for something I allow.

DontmindifIdo · 17/02/2013 18:23

YANBU - I thought it was a given if a parent of hte DC in the room, they are in charge of this stuff. Could you say to your mum that if you are there you'd rather you did hte telling off and she can focus on just being fun?

rodandtheemu · 17/02/2013 18:24

YANBU they are your kids, sort of know what your feeling as well. My own dm and ex Pil would never have dreamed of chastising my eldest two, they were angels of course! (and if they did it would only ever be in jokey way)but their great gran on there dads side could be quite cutting till one day i said '' oh dont listen to nanna nasty'' and swept up my Dc at the time. Wrong for me? proberly yes - but she didnt do it again. Grin

If you feel uncomfortable tell them to shut it! unleash the tigress in you lol.

rodandtheemu · 17/02/2013 18:25

dontmind i wish i would have said that! lol would have have saved years of bossom hoiking when i entered the room!

FlouncingMintyy · 17/02/2013 18:26

Yanbu. You need to say something to her.

Still18atheart · 17/02/2013 18:31

YANBU!

Annunziata · 17/02/2013 18:33

I think YABU, especially from the example you've given. It's good for DC to know that granny and granddad will discipline them too.

Shellywelly1973 · 17/02/2013 18:40

YANBU. I would say something.
My mother is awful when it comes to discipline. She believes she is an expert in controlling & making young children behave! She smacks & shouts at children, her own gc or any children that come into the house.

My dn is 3 &dn is only 17 months & my mum undermines my sister all the time whilst they are visiting. My mum has actually said dn has ASD! My ds has ASD is as Im sure u will appreciate i was furious on dn behalf.

I don't visit my mum any more due to her behaviour-kids are fine, its my mum thats the the problem!!!

HildaOgden · 17/02/2013 18:42

In this instance,I think she was looking out for his safety.Whichever adult saw it first (child putting dangerous object in mouth) should say it,in my opinion.Doesn't matter who.

IneedAsockamnesty · 17/02/2013 18:44

Yanbu.

It is not acceptable to discipline other people's children unless they are in your care or the behaviour is serious and the parent is not doing so.

Apparentlychilled · 17/02/2013 18:44

OP- I'm with you on this one (and I'm not newly post- natal, so no hormones or lack of sleep to blame). If my mum or anyone else is minding my DC, yes, of course, it's up to them to discipline the DC, but if I'm there, it's my job as their DM.

This happened last week. My mum came to stay (a very rare occurrence, so DD was a bit hyper and excited). We have a difficult relationship at the best of times. On several occasions, she started to discipline DD (who is 4) when I was already doing it, or for things that are OK by me. I just (fairly) gently said that I thought it was confusing for DD to have 2 people reprimanding her. If she'd got there first, I think I'd just interrupt her by saying to my DC "what did I say before etc" and then say the thing about one person disciplining, or else tell her you want to tie it into previous conversations with DC.

Good luck. If your relationship w your DM is anything like mine, I know these things aren't easy.

IneedAsockamnesty · 17/02/2013 18:45

Since when was a child's Thomas toy a dangerous object?

Annunziata · 17/02/2013 18:46

They're prime choking size sockreturningpixie