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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH is being a bit pathetic?

31 replies

CailinDana · 17/02/2013 08:05

I am 39 weeks pregnant. DH has taken some annual leave and combined with his paternity leave he is now off for a month to help look after DS(2) and to be here for the new baby (obviously). On the one hand given that I'm huge and tired I'm glad to have his help. But, and I don't know if I'm being a bit unfair here, I feel like he makes such a meal out of the things I do every day that it just pisses me off and I wonder by the end of the week if I'll just want to strangle him!

Just to say, he is fab with DS and plays with him a lot which is great. But the idea of playing with DS and getting housework done seems to be a massive task to him. He has basically taken over I suppose 80% of what I do day to day and it seems to be stressing him out majorly. Yesterday we went shopping in the morning, then I put DS down for a nap when we came back and he sank into the computer chair as though the world was ending. Did nothing while DS was asleep, which is fine, I often do that. Then DS got up and he said he'd "better do the hoovering" (which I'd had to remind him about 3 times, I would just bloody do it only I'm having horrendous BHs and have pelvic and cervix pain and I just can't manage it) like it was the most onerous task imaginable. Did that, then played with DS for while before bed, at which point he flopped on the couch like he hadn't an ounce of energy left.

I've been doing all that stuff and a lot more while heavily pregnant, and I've been fine! AIBU to think "man the fuck up and just get on with it you whinging pansy!" He's a fit and healthy (relatively) young man, surely running a house with one (very cooperative) toddler shouldn't be so exhausting??

OP posts:
TheFallenNinja · 17/02/2013 08:09

Tell him how pants he is and send him back to work. I'm sure he'll thank you for pointing out his shortcomings.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 17/02/2013 08:09

I think it is if you aren't used to it, plus men tend not to be good multi-taskers and find it tiring to do so. Is it really important to you for him to do much housework? Can't it slide a little? I know you are probably really exhausted and would like for him to step up but I think perhaps you could let it go a little.

Original poster
CailinDana · 17/02/2013 08:10

Thing is Ninja, I'm tempted to tell him to just go back to work tomorrow. I honestly feel I'd just be better off getting on with things on my own and he'd be less stressed at work!

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Original poster
CailinDana · 17/02/2013 08:12

Selfconfessed - I'm not a stickler for housework at all. The hoovering needed to be done because the carpet was actually crunchy - you could barely see the rug for crumbs. It's needed doing for days but it took multiple reminders for it to actually happen. I'm still cleaning the bathroom, wiping down the kitchen, washing DS's clothes, basically anything that doesn't involve any heavy lifting, so it's not like he has a lot on his plate!

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JustCallMeFish · 17/02/2013 08:15

Yabu

It's "woman the fuck up and get on with it"Wink

All the best for babySmile

And he's probably enjoying not working. He'll (hopefully) pull his socks up when baby arrives.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 17/02/2013 08:17

It probably feels like it to him if he doesn't ever do all that stuff, kind of like starting a new job and feeling like you can't get everything done and then finding a week or two in that you can do it just fine.

Original poster
CailinDana · 17/02/2013 08:19

He will be fab with the baby JustCall - I know that. I was bowled over how brilliant he was with DS - shared every night, endless patience, learned all the skills (despite never coming within 50 feet of a baby previously) at top speed. He is excellent with children - DS absolutely adores him. And I do appreciate that, I really do. I don't mind doing housework at all and I suppose the problem is that my physical inability to do some jobs is really frustrating me. When DH seems to find it all so hard I'm a bit Hmm - how does he think I manage? Makes me feel like a superhuman that I've managed so far!

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NotADragonOfSoup · 17/02/2013 08:23

How easy did you find it when you started out with housework/parenting? I assume you didn't just breeze into it and find it a piece of cake.

It's not a case of him having to "man up" it's a case of you letting him get on with it. Seriously, relax, leave him to it and stop with the comparisons to yourself. It's not helping anyone - least of all you!

Original poster
CailinDana · 17/02/2013 08:24

True, true NotA. I'm so incredibly grumpy at the moment, which is definitely not helping things! Fucking BHs constantly.

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NotADragonOfSoup · 17/02/2013 08:28

You're 39 weeks pregnant - of course you're grumpy :)

I juggle multiple things now without thinking, but it certainly wasn't like that when I had my first child and was plunged into housework and parenting at the same time.

On the plus side - after this your DH will surely have greater respect for what you do. None of that "I don't know what you do all day!" nonsense :)

TheNebulousBoojum · 17/02/2013 08:31

Just don't start doing things yourself because it would be easier.
My DS is 18, and there are several household things he makes a meal of doing, or asks me a lot of questions about. I tend to say that it all gets easier with practise, so he needs to do these things more often.

AliceWChild · 17/02/2013 08:35

It's a miracle men manage to hold down important jobs isn't it? And that they dominate the higher up and better paid positions. And hold the political power. Yet they struggle to do a bit of housework. Funny how that's worked out.

OP of course YANBU. Unless of course there's some physical limitations your husband has you haven't mentioned.

Original poster
CailinDana · 17/02/2013 08:36

No fear of that Nebulous - I really have to hold back because if I do do anything physical the BHs get really painful. Which would be fine if they'd bloody well develop into contractions but they don't, they just keep coming and coming and coming (been having them for about a week and a half now) and I'm exhausted from them. I want this baby out!

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lightrain · 17/02/2013 08:37

My DH is a SAHD. He is brilliant with DS but makes a huge meal out of any house work, cooking, etc. (which we agreed when he took the SAH role were part and parcel of being a SAH parent). He finds it almost impossible with DS there. So this means that I remind him multiple times that he needs to clean, then it either doesn't get done so I do it myself, or he does choice tasks and lets the rest slide.

I feel incredible resentment about this, it's the only thing we argue about. But after 3 years, he genuinely still feels that it's impossible to clean at the same time as looking after DS.

I guess that the point in me telling you this is that my expectations were the same as yours, but DH just seems unable to do what I do when I'm looking after DS. He's not taking the piss by the way, and is very capable in all aspects of life otherwise. I fully fail to understand it, but he can't clean at the same time as looking after a child. I've got to a place where I just accept it now, otherwise my blood would boil over on far too frequent a basis.

Original poster
CailinDana · 17/02/2013 08:38

Nope Alice, perfectly healthy. And full of energy when it comes to his job. I know it's petty but it does piss me off that he seems to be able to manage 50 million things at work, and run here and there for meetings but as soon as he gets home he's worn out. I do wonder how much of it is just unwillingness and how much is genuine tiredness.

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Original poster
CailinDana · 17/02/2013 08:43

See that's what I'm talking about lightrain. DH seems to think it's one or the other - housework or childcare. If I took that approach the house would be even more of a filthy shit tip - because there are days when DS doesn't nap. So I would do zero cleaning of any kind. Not that would bother DH of course, he's a mucky pup and would live in a pigsty quite happily.

I do sympathise with the whole "getting used to a new job" thing but to be fair DS is 2, he's not a new baby, so the whole thing of being a parent and doing other things isn't new at all. He knows how to deal with DS, and DS is generally very well behaved. I manage very easily to get things done (including my paid job) while DS is around. So I don't think it's too much to expect DH to get a fraction of what I do done.

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AliceWChild · 17/02/2013 08:45

That isn't the least bit petty Cailin, not the least bit.

HandbagCrab · 17/02/2013 08:46

How exciting that you are having bh! :)

Dh is the same, he did a day with ds on Friday as I worked an extra day and they were out most of the day but the house was still a mess. Bearing in mind the cleaner comes on Thursday, I feel it takes a superhuman effort to make so much mess! I obsessively clean up after ourselves in the kitchen and keep on top of the washing after the early stressful days of mat leave when we would get through loads of bottles or clothes and ds would be screaming as I tried to wash and sterilise things quickly. Dh was at work so he never really felt this constant level of background stress about quite small cleaning activities and when he was at home there was two of us so one could stay with ds and one could zoom round cleaning bottles etc.

As I work part time I take it as a bit of validation when I see dh wrung out after a day with ds too :)

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 17/02/2013 08:48

I do sympathise OP - I think perhaps it's the old adage of men not being able to multi-task! :) When DH has DD, he will "just" watch her etc. Nothing else gets done. When I'm with her I also wash up, clean up, hoover, tidy etc. ANd I do find it annoying that I can do all that stuff whilst looking after her and he doesn't. I'm not sure what the solution is.

Also, not to throw a spanner in the works, but wouldn't your DH's time off be better taken when your new baby is here?

BinksToEnlightenment · 17/02/2013 08:51

I do see it from your point of view, but I think anyone would struggle to do a new job at first. You've got yourself into a good routine with it and he hasn't.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/02/2013 08:55

YANBU

DH and I are both unwell atm. I had a lie in yesterday morning, and while I did he looked after the DSs - came down and the house was like a bombsite. Kids not dressed, although they had been fed but the table hadn't been wiped etc etc.
In the afternoon DH went to bed for a nap, and while he napped I built dens with the DSs, tidied the whole of downstairs, hoovered, read them a story, changed DS2's nappy, unloaded the dishwasher, wiped down the kitchen and sorted a load of washing.

He isn't useless, today he will cook the roast dinner and we will plough through the laundry mountain together - but childcare and tasks all at once are seemingly too much.

WidowWadman · 17/02/2013 08:58

"It's a miracle men manage to hold down important jobs isn't it? And that they dominate the higher up and better paid positions. And hold the political power. Yet they struggle to do a bit of housework. Funny how that's worked out."

I'm a woman and find being at home doing household and children more stressful (and mindnumbing) than doing my job. Being a woman doesn't make you automatically good at being a housewife/SAHM. And men aren't bad at it, because they're men, it's pretty sexist and insulting (and perpetuating the very situation you seem to protest against).

BinksToEnlightenment · 17/02/2013 09:04

I agree with that Widow.

Mmmnoodlesoup · 17/02/2013 09:04

Oh god, this reminds me of my DP.

Does a pile of washing up and acts like I should be forever grateful. Get the fuck over it!

Just keep reminding him you do these things everyday, while pregnant and in pain. The numpty.

Good luck, Cailin! :)

Original poster
CailinDana · 17/02/2013 09:10

I agree Widow, it has nothing to do with him being a man.

Thanks Mmmm! In fairness to DH he doesn't expect any gratitude, but he does make such a task out of the whole thing it just gets on my tits. These are things I do without even thinking - I cleaned the whole bathroom yesterday in about 10 mins flat while 9 months pregnant, just because I was up there and happened to see it needed doing. I mentioned the hoovering on Thursday and he only got around to it yesterday, and even then he "scheduled" it in - he said "I'll get DS up from his nap and then will you keep an eye on him while I do the hoovering?" Just get the hoover out and do it FFS!!

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