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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with dh's selfish behaviour

38 replies

newcastle34 · 16/02/2013 21:15

Before we married dh was always doing thoughful things like flowers on my birthday and buying surprise presents for xmas etc. Since we married he does still get me good presents but they are always things I have to ask for. No real thought goes into it. Only does cards for valentines, anniversaries and mothers day. Yet this week he spent over £100 on himself. Another mothers day weekend he went out to football despite me being poorly and than came home with a football shirt for himself. ( i was at home looking after dc)
Mothers day just gone was even worse. We were out for lunch with inlaws. It was really bittersweet because lost my mum a year before and we were announcing me being pregnant. During the meal dh was going on about spending several hundred pounds on himself. MIL didn't bat an eyelid. I than joked that children still needed to get me a mothers day gift and she basically told me that as we were having another baby i would have to forget about that. Yet perfectly ok for dh to spend several hundred pounds on himself.
Just recently he has twice gone shopping. We both like a certain soft drink but different varieties. Each time he came home with double the amount of the one he likes. Yet I am at home all day and breastfeeding. Plus dd only drinks the one I like.
Tonight was another example. We decided to have a takaway. he suggested certain items which are his favourites but I do like. I than suggested another dish i like and he said we have enough food. He than rings and orders and adds on another dish only he likes!
Know it is petty but it just drives me mad. AIBU

OP posts:
applesandbears · 16/02/2013 21:18

He is a selfish arse! I would sit him down and read him your post!

MrsTomHardy · 16/02/2013 21:20

Yes I agree.....he's selfish

yaimee · 16/02/2013 21:23

Just start treating yourself to things if you want them. Obviously your dh doesn't have a problem doing this.
is you dh kind and considerate in other ways, with his behaviour or words?
Try to focus on that a bit more.
It is unreasonable of him to ignore special days though, just have a word and explain that they are important to you, hopefully this will help. If not, make sure you stop marking his special days, possibly petty but will probably work.
Ignore mil, she's probably just bitter about her own experiences of this!

Imaginethat · 16/02/2013 21:23

I think if you feel unhappy then that in itself is valid. You two need to talk, really talk. I did notice though that it seems to be all about money, that the more money spent, the more cherished you feel.

yaimee · 16/02/2013 21:24

and you ring in the take away next time and order what ever you like!

Fairenuff · 16/02/2013 21:28

Yes you need to be pro-active.

So what if he's spending money on himself, he's not saying you can't too.

When he gets the shopping, order double what you really want if that will make it seem fairer Confused

FatPenguin · 16/02/2013 21:32

YANBU. Why should you forget about mothers day? It only costs a couple of quid for a card and flowers.or he could help DC's make a card for you.

ClippedPhoenix · 16/02/2013 21:32

Grrrrrr. So he's got you where he wants you and he's just shown he's a male chauvenist pig.

It's ok to say that fairenuff but when you have to start thinking about doing stuff like that as in tit for tat its not a good road to go down.

aldiwhore · 16/02/2013 21:33

yaimee I agree. If he can treat, then you can treat too... if he doesn't like that, then he needs to be less selfish.

Fortunately DH and I are both very 'selfish' in that we buy our own gifts (and then give them to the other to wrap!) and as we can't afford the exact amount we'd both want, we both do with less. (If that makes sense)

Your DH is being thoughtless, maybe unbalanced, maybe he assumes you will get what you want too... the issue becomes a problem if you don't have the same access to funds as he does and therefore have to rely on him... that is a problem.

As far as Mother's Day is concerned, I've always found this a day of conflicting ideas... DH's mum died 9 years ago and we would trudge to the crem with flowers every year, even though neither of us find any comfort at these places we did it out of duty and for my FIL... Rather than throw a hissy fit at the lack of point of logic of this trudge, I just accept that it's just one of those things... I know I am loved as a mother. (I adored my MIL by the way, I just HATE cemetaries... I remember my loved ones in other ways).

Fairenuff · 16/02/2013 21:47

It's only tit for tat if it's a problem. If they can afford it and he likes to treat himself, no reason why she shouldn't too.

If he isn't happy with that then, yes, they need to talk.

ClippedPhoenix · 16/02/2013 21:51

I did notice though that it seems to be all about money, that the more money spent, the more cherished you feel

Blimey what on earth was that about.

I really don't get why so many people accept bad behaviour and try to turn it around.

The partner is being an inconsiderate arsehole.

Shellywelly1973 · 16/02/2013 21:54

You know that old saying, 'Whats good for goose,is good for the gander '?

I would make it very clear to your dp before Mothers Day, you expect some extra TLC.

He does sound very selfish & inconsiderate. You need to speak up & tell him. Maybe he dosn't even realise?

Spoil yourself now & again,it sounds like he treats himself regulary, so you should do the same!

yaimee · 16/02/2013 21:55

Agree with fairenuff it isn't tit for tat to allow yourself a treat, and to feel comfortable doing it because you know dh is doing it too, its common sense IMHO.
If dh doesn't like it, that's when it becomes a problem.
That assumes that you have equal access to the money though, if not you have a serious problem that needs addressing asap.

ClippedPhoenix · 16/02/2013 21:59

Why do things have to be "whats good for the goose"

Why do you have to replicate selfish behaviour

Surely if you're in a relationship, what makes it tick is to "consider" the other person? Would you do the same to a friend that you valued?

Unbelievable.

ClippedPhoenix · 16/02/2013 22:05

People who don't realise they're selfish will never realise in my book. It's and ingrained thing and it won't change it's part of their make up.

yaimee · 16/02/2013 22:07

I'm not sure that treating yourself is replicating selfish behaviour clipped just taking your happiness into your own hands rather than being reliant on another person for it.
OP didn't mention anything about dps behaviour generally, he could be an excellent dp in many other ways.
There are many ways of demonstrating love and consideration, the ops dp might not place much importance on marking occasions and so not understand the importance of these occasions to the op. That's why she needs to discuss it with him.

ClippedPhoenix · 16/02/2013 22:11

I see it in a totally different light here yaimee. Surely if you value a person then you do things equally (as in a true partnership). Taking your happiness into your own hands is surely someone that isn't in a couple situation.

I personally wouldn't want to be with someone that didn't consider me as much as himself and vice versa, surely this is the essence of a healthy relationship.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/02/2013 22:11

Have you tried, after something like the drink incident, sitting him down and telling him, 'that made me feel really sad'. That would work on DH, who was brought up with a DM whose worst weapon was slight disappointment.

The take-away thing, oddly, would have annoyed me the most. He knows what you like, it isn't just not understanding, he chose to be selfish.

HecateWhoopass · 16/02/2013 22:14

Tell him.

Give him all the examples you've given here and more.

Ask him to explain why it seems he feels he's worth more than you.

And no, I don't mean more in terms of money. It's the thought. The consideration. The idea that he gets what he wants and not you. That screams 'I matter more'

When you should matter equally.

FarBetterNow · 16/02/2013 22:17

Is there enough spare household money for him to have a football shirt on a whim?
Next time he does the shopping could you give him a precise list of items that you particularly would like eg the soft drinks?
The trouble with Mother's Day is you can end up neglected as he is making a fuss of his mother, rather than the mother of his children.
I used to spend Mother's Day cooking for my Mum and Dad and my PIL!

Fairenuff · 16/02/2013 22:18

Surely if you value a person then you do things equally (as in a true partnership). Taking your happiness into your own hands is surely someone that isn't in a couple situation

It's a big ask, to make another person responsible for your happiness before you try to do something about it yourself.

I think if, with further information, OP's dh does turn out to be a selfish arse, we will all be in agreement. But in the meantime, there are things she can do to help herself.

yaimee · 16/02/2013 22:23

I would hate to be entirely reliant on my dp for my happiness, or anyone else for that matter.
I don't expect dp to provide for every single one of my emotional needs, and I hope he doesn't expect this of me either.
For me, a partnership involves respect, communication and equality, but I don't think that these expectations mean that you shouldn't also be autonomous and want to do things for yourself too.
I have a partnership as well as myself, not instead of.

ClippedPhoenix · 16/02/2013 22:24

How anyone can say that his behaviour isn't selfish is beyond me.

Ok then the OP could have "insisted" on having what she wanted, but is that the answer.

Empower yourself! Ok yeah right, that's not what being in a loving relationship is all about is it.

Oh, he might be a very considerate person in other areas.... I don't think so really as the OP has just told us what he's like.

Small things say big statements.

Monty27 · 16/02/2013 22:25

You're very patient OP Angry

yaimee · 16/02/2013 22:27

Again agree with faire op needs to communicate her hurt to dp and make a judgement on his behaviour after that. Until then she should buy herself some shoes and perhaps a few gins!