Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to be fed up with dh's selfish behaviour

38 replies

newcastle34 · 16/02/2013 21:15

Before we married dh was always doing thoughful things like flowers on my birthday and buying surprise presents for xmas etc. Since we married he does still get me good presents but they are always things I have to ask for. No real thought goes into it. Only does cards for valentines, anniversaries and mothers day. Yet this week he spent over £100 on himself. Another mothers day weekend he went out to football despite me being poorly and than came home with a football shirt for himself. ( i was at home looking after dc)
Mothers day just gone was even worse. We were out for lunch with inlaws. It was really bittersweet because lost my mum a year before and we were announcing me being pregnant. During the meal dh was going on about spending several hundred pounds on himself. MIL didn't bat an eyelid. I than joked that children still needed to get me a mothers day gift and she basically told me that as we were having another baby i would have to forget about that. Yet perfectly ok for dh to spend several hundred pounds on himself.
Just recently he has twice gone shopping. We both like a certain soft drink but different varieties. Each time he came home with double the amount of the one he likes. Yet I am at home all day and breastfeeding. Plus dd only drinks the one I like.
Tonight was another example. We decided to have a takaway. he suggested certain items which are his favourites but I do like. I than suggested another dish i like and he said we have enough food. He than rings and orders and adds on another dish only he likes!
Know it is petty but it just drives me mad. AIBU

OP posts:

yaimee · 16/02/2013 22:30

I would say that the op taking her happiness into her own hands is empowerment clipped no one is saying she shouldn't talk to her dp too!

ClippedPhoenix · 16/02/2013 22:41

No, you were implicating that she should do the same as him, which is wrong. Talking to a selfish person doesn't get you anywhere, they will sort of go ok have one of my rollo's if you must. Selfish is as selfish does.

yaimee · 16/02/2013 22:46

Nope, spending money on herself isn't wrong. It isn't tit for tat, it's just common sense to feel comfortable and able to do this.
What do you think the answer is clipped? Are you suggesting she leaves him?

ClippedPhoenix · 16/02/2013 22:52

Im not suggesting anything yaimee. I'm only saying that his behaviour is unacceptable, if she chooses to live with it then it's up to her. She puts up and shuts up i guess. He is obviously king of the castle.

I actually don't have any answers and never profess to either. I just call it as i see it.

DeepRedBetty · 16/02/2013 23:00

OP have you actually said anything yet or are you relying on him being a bit psychic? Not trying to be passive aggressive here, it's just I wasted about five years trying to train DP with polite meh noises before realising the poor dear thing was too dense to understand unless I spelt it out in words of not more than two syllables... two Degrees but big fat zero in emotional intelligence.

ClippedPhoenix · 16/02/2013 23:07

Is that not being patronising though deepred? knowing he was dense? are you a loving couple? or is that letting him get away with being a male chauvenistic pig? and sort of accepting the fact by having to say as many derrogatory things about him as he says about you?

ClippedPhoenix · 16/02/2013 23:12

People are not dense, the way i see it is that women have to pass it off as that and excuse such diobolical shit behavour.

Selfish is selfish and this person whatever gender is selfish.

ClippedPhoenix · 16/02/2013 23:18

Poor him, bless him, he doesn't understand? Umm oh yes he does.

have you sat him down and "explained" - what is that all about?

For shit sake, stop making excuses for shit behaviour due to the other person being a man. If you don't it will never stop.

Original poster

newcastle34 · 16/02/2013 23:26

I have challenged him but he just gets defensive. Eg when i mentioned drinks i just got but I drink pints. Plus he clearly ignored it as it has happened twice.

OP posts:

ClippedPhoenix · 16/02/2013 23:37

I don't really understand what you have just posted to be honest OP.

yaimee · 17/02/2013 00:26

Op, don't allow his defensiveness to end the discussion. Make it clear that next time he goes to the shops you would like the same amount of pop that he's getting for himself. In terms of marking occasions let him know that it is important to you and that, whatever his reasons have been for not doing so until now, from now on you would like a card and nice gift as this would mean a lot to you. Of he continues to behave in the same way after this, then the issue needs addressing.much more seriously.

Fairenuff · 17/02/2013 09:14

newcastle did you just want a rant, or do you want things to change?

HecateWhoopass · 17/02/2013 09:37

Being defensive is a common form of attack. It's a good way to shut down discussion.

You have to carry on, even when they are being defensive. Challenge them on the defensiveness. Make your point. Ask such things as why are you being defensive? what is it that you think that I am saying to you?

It can be difficult, but so many people back away from a conversation when the other person becomes defensive and you honestly don't have to.

Of course, if being defensive and 'hurt' doesn't get a conversation that they don't want to have stopped, the next tactic is often attack and derailment. Changing the subject to some perceived failing of yours. It's important at that point to not allow yourself to go off topic. You can say that you will come back to that after X has been fully addressed.

Flip

1 2