'If I wasn't pregnant, Killing myself would be very tempting'

[Cunninglinguist03]

I have posted about this before but I have never felt this devastated and upset, I really need your help.

Fiancé left me 11 weeks ago, Leaving me with my DS and pregnant. It was completely unexpected and the baby was planned and very much wanted.

My feelings have got progressively worse and they are getting worse everyday, I am heartbroken and devastated. I can't sleep at night, I can't spend a day without breaking down crying and I can't get him out of my head.

This may seem too OTT but I can honestly say that I am a wreck and just want him back.

I have had to move in with my parents, I have no income, I lost my car because I sold mine to pay for a move whilst we were together and I am scared of what the future holds as my life has been turned upside down.

I beg you for advice, I know that I am never going to get over him and I don't want anyone else but him.

I love my DS and this baby but my heart has been shattered.

I just want him back :( Please help me.

I know this is nothing like your situation but when my first boyfriend left me over the phone I was devastated, the whole world seemed grey. I remember looking at the clock, noticing it was 3pm and wondering how I was going to get through the rest of the day, let alone the next day or the rest of my life, time seemed like an endless empty, pointless space.

Within a few months I met my lovely, kind, loving, caring DH.

I have often looked back and thanked my lucky stars.

all these people who are telling you that things will improve and that you will get over him are absolutely right.

my goodness, you are in a sad state right now, anyone would be upset, wondering what the future holds etc etc. you're grieving a lost relationship, and longing for security for yourself and your children, and missing someone you have loved. but that's for now, not for ever.

you've got a safe place to be. you and your children are with your parents. that's ok.

this stage will pass and things will improve.

OP, if it would help, you might want to think about starting your own thread in Relationships. You would get lots of support and advice and it would be a safe place for you to vent and also share your positive times.

I am sorry your parents aren't being more helpful. I'm sure they care and hate watching you going through this, but they probably don't know what to say. Hence the not-very-helpful, "Get over it".

You WILL get over him.
My exDP left me. My DS was 3 yo and I was 5 mouths pregnant with our child and he just walked out and cut me off.
DD is now 4 and he has never seen her, he doesn't want to.
It was so difficult at first but once I held DD in my arms that first time, I realised what was important and cried no more tears for him and have no feelings for him.
Things will get better.
U are lucky living with your parents, don't knock it. I wish I had parents to support me.

I recall, one early morning, haunting beneath my then boyfriend's flat to check if he was coming home. A police car came past and they put their heads out and said 'What are you doing?' I explained and they said 'Oh gawd, Whatever'..... or words to that effect. And left.

I thought I would die for him. They knew better. As I know better now. Life may seem bad right now but trust me, it will be a heck of a sight better in a few weeks.

Oh my love, I'm so sorry

I remember you posting before, but under a different name?

Please listen to us when we tell you it will get better, we can't tell you when, but it will. Please keep going, do it for your babies. One day you'll look back and think "the bastard done me a favour" one day you will be so happy again, I promise.

All you ladies that this has happened to, you are amazing, the strength you have to get through it and raise your babies leaves me speechless. You are seriously strong & inspirational.

My life feels like its over, I am just going to live with my parents with 2 children for the rest of my life without him and I can't take that anymore.

You won't be living with your parents for the rest of your life and you will get over this callous man who has walked away from you. But right now, all that seems impossible and I can understand why. You are in shock and a state of disbelief. I suspect your parents simply don't know how to deal with the situation you are in hence their realistic, but not at all helpful, advice to"Get Over It". If that was so easy to do, you wouldn't feel so desperate.

Please get some sort of outside help. Go to your GP for starters.

Im so sorry, Truly. x

There is so much love and support here it's making ME cry!! Op, I sooo wish mumsnet was around when it happened to me, I'd have gotten over it a lot faster. Can't you literally physically feel the hugs on here? cos I can.

And yy well done to all who've survived the b that SOME (but not all)men can be.

OP weve all soooo been there done that got the scars.

I know from experience when anything bad happens we feel we're the only ones it happens to, and that saying 'theres always someone worse off than you'? well sometimes WE are the one thats worse off, SOMEONE's got to be.

Hate it when someone says that when you're going thru a crisis. well meaning but totally inappropriate.

OP the 1st step is being on here and us all sharing all our stories and advice and support. well done for being brave to do that, and thank you for sharing and trusting in the power of MN. it really does always help. :)

(being super soppy there but so what)

Echoing what others are saying. I'm so sorry he's left you at such a vulnerable time. Your hormones will be all over the place with the pregnancy anyway and to have this man shit on you from a great height must be devastating. However, please do go and see your GP. You need to talk to someone and if the Samaritans haven't helped then keep trying with a new route. Your parents seem to be able to offer you practical support in the form of a roof over your head but if you aren't getting the emotional support you need from them then please do seek it out from elsewhere. It's great that you've turned to MN but please do listen to our advice and get help in RL. You need someone in real life to support you through this terrible time. It might not seem like you'll ever see the light at the end of the tunnel and yes it is a long way off but the first step towards the end of the tunnel is reaching out and talking to someone like a counsellor. Big hugs x

OP, the same happened to me - my exF left me 16 weeks into a planned pregnancy to live with the OW. Seven years later I'm bringing up DS alone but it's ok, you know. And 100% better than being with a lying, cheating shit who thinks nothing about abandoning a pg woman.

It seems impossible now but take it day by day and you'll get there. Please see your GP - they can help.

Op,
Firstly how your feeling is totally normal. Yorkshire pregnant, have a young child,your relationship is over,your not in your own home & you didn't choose any of this.

In order for you to recover from your dp leaving you, you need to go through this part of the process.

Its like grief, each part of the process has a purpose.

Don't think about tomorrow, next week or next month-concentrate on now.

Please speak to your MW or GP. They can help you.

If you have friends or family to talk to, talk. You said in an earlier post your parents change the subject, maybe they are struggling seeing you so devastated.

Start of by allowing yourself to feel so awful. But set small things each day,a walk in the park, a phone call to a friend & some practical targets such as benefit & housing advice.

A few years ago i had my the perfect suicide planned...someone wise & caring gave me this advice-it literally saved my life. My life at the time was awful&something happened that changed it beyond recognition.

You look after yourself, your dc&that baby your growing. You will get past this.
Take care.

Sorry your not Yorkshire! Im on my phone.

What you have to remember is that you will not feel like this forever. How you feel now is not how you are going to feel for the rest of your life.

It is OK to be devastated and upset. Don't deny those emotions, acknowledge them but don't wallow in them. Take deep breaths. Keep busy. Do practical things. Know that the only way from here is UP.

Just as everyone else has said, you will get over this and there will be a day when you don't want him anymore and you honestly can't remember what it felt like to pine for him.

Have you posted about the break-up before? I recall some threads with a similar background.

You may have to start being harsh with yourself. I'm not saying "get a grip", because it's not that simple, but be stern with yourself. Get up tomorrow morning and before you shower, look yourself in the mirror and say something along the lines of "I am a strong, independent woman. I deserve much more than that man could ever give me". Keep saying it to yourself every day until it isn't an effort to believe it anymore.

When my ex and I split up (I left him because he was cheating), I was pregnant with my second son and throughout the whole pregnancy I thought my life was falling apart. I cried and screamed some nights because I couldn't believe how much things had changed from what I had planned the rest of my life out to be. That's the hardest part of a break-up: readjusting your expectations for the rest of your life and reacquainting yourself with that uncertainty about who you'll be with, where you'll live, how many children and grandchildren you'll have, etc.

Sit down with someone - a counsellor or a really patient friend - and tried to break down exactly what it is that's devastating you do much. You say that you really do want this person back - but why? He's treated you horribly! Why would you want someone like that in your life? Keep asking yourself why, every time you try to answer that question, ask it again. You'll soon find that you don't actually want him, you want the security of knowing that your life was all planned and settled.

Gosh, what an essay, sorry! Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

So very sorry that this has happened OP. Can you phone your community midwife first thing on Monday morning and make an appointment to see her? She will be a great support (ime) and will be able to help you access other help.

Your parents probably don't know what to say/do to help, unfortunately. Hope you can have a lovely cuddle with your DS and that things look up soon.

I have an appointment with my MW on Monday.

I do want him back because I love him more than anything :( I need him to function.

I see no point other than being pregnant and DS to be here anymore, I really don't. I hate it.

:(

You say your parents change the subject.
Have you got anyone else in rl to talk to about this, a friend perhaps?

Oh my darling I rarely post but your pain is so raw I couldn't read and run. I know the bleak empty landscape you see in front of you as I've felt it too when my ex p left when my ds was 11 months old. He left a note and posted the keys and was never seen again. It's a bereavement, a huge loss and you can't see a way forward that makes any sense or any point but you will. My ds is 19 now (also have 2 DD) and life is great for us all but reading your post took me back 18 yrs and I remembered how devastating it feels. My parents too asked me not to call them if I was just going to be depressing. Take each day at a time and be gentle with yourself, this is not your fault but his inadequacies.

as well as the midwife, you need to see the gp and ask for an urgent referral for counselling, or perhaps through mother and child services wherever you are booked in to give birth. you really do need help and people who can listen. your ds and your baby need you so much.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please be kind to yourself, and take one day at a time. You've had a huge shock. Life can be such a bitch

You need to tell yourself that your ex is a fucking shit and the person you loved is dead (or that they never existed in the first place- who you loved was not the person ex has turned out to actually be). Therefore it is a complete waste of time and energy chasing this stranger and wishing him back.

Fuck him. You are worth more. You will go on to have a great life without him and he will doubtless be dismayed to see that you are far better off and happier without him. Hang on in there kid, you've hit the bottom and its onwards and upwards from here xx

So sorry you are going through this hideous pain.
My ex dumped me when I told him I was pregnant (he was having an affair it turns out)
Long story short, but I'm finally coming out the other side now, I was devastated, thought I'd never get over him, but I had counselling and talked and talked to my wonderful friends (who had endless patience!)
But the best thing is that you have a child and another on the way. My baby became my focus - I knew I had to be strong for him.
You WILL cope, you WILL get through this, and you WILL build a wonderful new life for yourself and your children.
As others have said, please get counselling, my counsellor suggested I write things down - get the hurt and anger out on paper. Once I started I didn't stop! Wrote pages and pages! Felt like crap, then very slowly, and with time, I started to feel stronger.
You are so vulnerable at the moment, please talk to friends, your MW, GP, anyone.
But as many other posters have also said, you will get through this, it doesn't feel like it now, but you will, promise.

Give yourself time. You don't need to get over him, move on, sort your life out tonight. You need to grieve for the end of your relationship, the person you thought he was (the one you are on love with). Find someone you can pour all that out to a counsellor, friend, whoever.

But know that other people have been in your position and got through it. Keep posting, there is always someone around. Take care.

cunning

Hi. I just wanted to add my voice of support to those saying you will get through it and you will be ok, however it feels now.

This has happened to me twice now. (I certainly know how to pick them!)

The first time I was very much in your position (he had an affair and I was 8 months pregnant) and my mother wouldn't let me live with her so I ended up in hostel of sorts for unmarried mothers and babies (and no, this wasn't the 1960s either!). I had nothing. I got a HA flat, went to university and met my (now stbx) husband, got married, had another child and trained to be a teacher. I've forgotten a lot of what it was like and how I felt. I wrote a lot of it down at the time in an 'open letter'. I found it the other day and was shocked to re-read just how desperate I was/felt.

This time round, I wasn't pregnant, but it was 2 weeks after my dad died. My husband had been my only source of support for nearly 14 years. Last year I lost both of my parents and then him. I was devastated. As a very lengthy thread on here at the time was testament to!

He left in November last year and only 3 months later I feel like a different person.

Others are right. You need time to grieve for the relationship, to grieve for the life/future you thought you had and then it will be time for you to move on and embrace your future.

I agree, you need to speak with someone you can trust and feel comfortable with, write down an overview of the situation with them, identify the main things you need to sort out and come up with an action plan.

I feel hugely confident at the moment, purely because I've taken control of my life and the person I am. Just being a bit proactive and seeing some results, however small, will give you the confidence to go on and the belief that you can do it.

Because you can. xxx