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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my DS should maybe have given this kid a good shove back? WWYD?

40 replies

CoffeeChocolateWine · 15/02/2013 16:45

We were at a soft play cafe this afternoon and there was this boy - probably about 4 or 5 - who was a real trouble-maker.

My DS is 4 and yes I am biased but he's a lovely boy...makes friends wherever he goes, is very kind and compassionate, but also attracts attention from not very nice kids too. So this boy decided to start following my DS everywhere and would just go right up to his face and scream for no reason. My DS tried ignoring him and just played somewhere else, but he started following him again and screaming and then started pushing him. And you guessed it, his mum was nowhere to be seen.

I saw my DS about to push him back which I didn't like, so I called him over and just told him that that boy wasn't very nice, he shouldn't be hitting or pushing you, but I don't want to see you pushing back as it's not the way to resolve things. I told him, as I always do, to tell the boy "don't push me, I don't like it and leave me alone" and then to go and and play somewhere else. This used to work fairly well when he was younger, but today I watched as this little shit boy came up to DS, screamed in his face and then pushed him for no reason. My darling DS looked so shocked but just stood there and said "don't push me, leave me alone"...he didn't even finish saying it before the boy was screaming and pushing him again.

I felt awful and that I had given him the wrong advice and that what he actually should have done was given him a good shove back cos to be quite honest, he deserved it. I do believe tha pushing in defence is ok...I want my DS to grow up being able to stand up for himself, but I hadn't anticipated telling him that this is ok aged 4. I kind of thought he'd at least be in the second or third year at school!

The kid's mum was still nowhere to be seen so in the end I took my DS out of there and sat him down for lunch. But I've been thinking about it since. I just really think my DS should have pushed him back and taught him a lesson...I mean 1 shove, not encouraging my son to get into a fight. Is that wrong? AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
WileyRoadRunner · 15/02/2013 16:57

Could you not approach staff and ask them to track down the mother as the boys behaviour was inappropriate and needed immediate intervention/supervision?

SocialButterfly · 15/02/2013 17:05

I would have told the boy off but then I'm always telling random children off if their parents aren't around.

MorphandChas · 15/02/2013 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 15/02/2013 17:11

If a woman came up to you and screamed in your face and shoved you wwyd?

I would shove her out of my way and walk away. And I am not a violent person at all. But I do believe in self defence.

So in that situation I would have told him to shove the boy out of the way and shout "no" or something. Children should be able to defend themselves.

poozlepants · 15/02/2013 17:14

No he shouldn't have shoved the other kid because 1 shove could turn nasty very quickly and then the invisible Mum would suddenly be there screaming in your face about your terror of a child as her child bawls and sobs and says he was being picked on.
This scenario has only happened to me once and I inserted myself into the middle of it and asked the girl if there was a problem. Then I hovered so she didn't dare carry on. She wasn't half so brave when there was a grown up there. Before we left she was trying it on with another child so I told the manageress on the way out.

Cat98 · 15/02/2013 17:15

No because then they will both get in trouble (bitter experience here!)

BarbarianMum · 15/02/2013 17:16

I think it would have been far better for you to have intervened and told the boy firmly to leave your son alone.

Some children just do not have it in them to retaliate physically. Ds1 (7) is like this - its not a problem (although I did used to worry about it) because he can stand up for himself verbally and if that's not working will find an adult to intervene. In general though his laid-back good nature means he attracts very little trouble.

If he had pushed back then I wouldn't have blamed him but it wouldn't necessarily have solved the problem. What if the boy had then punched him? Would your ds then hit back?

Honestly, I think you can only give them a variety of approaches to handle difficult situations and then let them work out what suits them best. It doesn't sound like physical retaliation is your child's thing (I wouldn't have had to tell ds2 to push back and that is another problem).

AbyCat · 15/02/2013 17:19

I think you did the right thing, but it is horrible when you see kids bullying your DC like that. Where was the other boy's parent/carer? I would have either had a word with them myself or asked the staff there to do it.

We had this at a soft play place the other week, and at least 3 other parents had to ask this one mother to get off her phone & deal with her child who was pushing, kicking & biting the other kids. Pushing him back wouldn't have worked, it would have just enraged the boy further I think.

WorraLiberty · 15/02/2013 17:25

Some kids just don't know how to play.

They get over excited in these places and that can often turn to aggressive behaviour.

The chances are if your DS gave him a push, the little boy would have been delighted and seen it as a game.

I don't know what the answer is really, I used to go over and have a firm, polite word with the child - whilst giving an icy glare.

That used to do the trick nicely Grin

Chottie · 15/02/2013 17:39

I would have spoken to the child straightaway. But I'm like that :)

The pushing issue is a difficult one. On DS's first day at school, I overheard DD telling him 'if anyone pushes you, push them back, but always look and make sure the teacher isn't looking first' Shock

WilsonFrickett · 15/02/2013 17:43

You should have dealt with it tbh, either by speaking to the child's carer or by telling him off yourself.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 15/02/2013 17:44

I would have told one of mine to push him back.
It's his mother's fault, but the fact there was no sign of her, to me, indicates she either knows damn well what her little darling is like and "hides" or she doesn't give a shit what he does, as long as she gets her peace. Either way, she's not much use.

WitchOfEndor · 15/02/2013 17:48

I would have told the other boy off and made it clear that he was to stay away from DS. I don't mind a bit of rough and tumble, but you have to draw a line somewhere.

BigAudioDynamite · 15/02/2013 17:50

why on earth didnt you tell the little boy to stop shoving and screaming?? Confused

AmberSocks · 15/02/2013 17:50

when my kids tried school one day my son came back and told me one boy had pushed him over,i asked if he told the dinner lady he said she didnt see,he told me this a few times and i had heard some stories about him doing it to other kids,so i told my son if he hits,kicks,or pushes you again,do it back,as hard as you can and he wont bother you again.
Needless to say it did happen again,my son did hit him back,and he did not do it again.

mercibucket · 15/02/2013 17:57

Time for you to step in, I'd have said, or got the staff to do it. It's hard for some kids to do. Model the behaviour :)

mercibucket · 15/02/2013 17:57

Time for you to step in, I'd have said, or got the staff to do it. It's hard for some kids to do. Model the behaviour :)

SashaSashays · 15/02/2013 17:57

Soft Play is basically kiddie fight club.

If your DS had asked him politely not to do it then I would have told him to push him back, harder.

If the little shit angel still kept attacking my DC I would have intervened and told him off. If the mother has a problem with that she can come and find you and explain exactly why she felt it was acceptable to abandon her little monster then suddenly take issue with his experience.

MrsMushroom · 15/02/2013 17:58

I tell mine to push back. Sorry...I know it's not accepted but some kids are little animals and it's the only language they understand. I'm not having mine being shoved because they're pacifists.

LynetteScavo · 15/02/2013 18:06

I think you dealt with it perfectly.

Yes, I understand wanting to tell your DS to push back but I don't think it's the way to go.

I always tell me DC to walk away.

I will still be telling them this when they are going into town drinking when they are 18. Walk away, and choose your words wisely.

Having said all that, when DS1 first went to high school, he did need to shove back a few times to let certain boys know he was't there to be pushed around. Once he'd sorted that out, and they all knew where they stood, there's been no pushing/hitting since.

Helltotheno · 15/02/2013 18:07

YANBU. All bets are off when it comes to self defence.

LynetteScavo · 15/02/2013 18:07

My DC...I'm not some old fish wife!

LynetteScavo · 15/02/2013 18:08

"All bets are off when it comes to self defense."

I think you'll find UK law disagrees.

Original poster
CoffeeChocolateWine · 15/02/2013 18:13

Why didn't I intervene? Didn't mention in original post that I had screaming baby DD in arms, was struggling to get shoes off to get into "no-shoes" play area so at that particular moment it was easier to get DS to come to me (which he did gladly!) and we talked about it over lunch.

Yes, at a slightly easier moment I would and should have intervened...I have done this before without hesitation. "WHERE IS YOUR MOTHER?" is one of my most commonly used phrases at these places.

But in hindsight I agree the next best thing would have been to get staff involved in absence of mother.

OP posts:
Svrider · 15/02/2013 18:15

I'm always amazed at the amount of "rough and tumble" ,(pushing and shoving and screaming and grabbing) that the teachers turn a blind eye to at school
They also tell quite small children off for "telling tales"
You must ensure ds can defend and stick up for himself
He'll be a target otherwise

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