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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that OH won't accept new baby gifts from my parents?

43 replies

BraveLilBear · 15/02/2013 16:28

I'm 33, and four and a half months pregnant with my first child and my parents' first grandchild. Not surprisingly, they have both expressed a desire to help out with buying some of the real estate inc pushchair and moses basket required for new baby.

They are divorced and both single, both take in very good salaries in professional jobs so they can afford to help.

My OH however is refusing to let them. He doesn't want them to be able to blackmail us in doing all of the visiting with the newborn (they live 2 and a half hours drive away and very rarely come up to us).

They have also kicked off about other issues, like me deciding to give baby OH's last name even though we're not yet married.

OH says he doesn't want them buying anything substantial so he doesn't feel in their debt. I say that we should let them contribute as long as we get a say in what they buy (ie they don't choose something hideously impractical etc). The other issue is we really don't have a lot of money flying around so all assistance would be gratefully received.

I'm not moneygrabbing and would never ask anyone to contribute anything - (OH's family are working class and therefore unlikely to offer financial help like this, but I know we'll be able to rely on them for emotional and moral support without judgement, which will be very much appreciated!) - but they have both offered, and I feel it would not be unreasonable to accept.

Many thanks for reading thus far... So AIBU to accept such help? AIBU unreasonable to be annoyed at OH for throwing his toys out of the proverbial at the prospect?

OP posts:

Annunziata · 15/02/2013 16:33

Hmm. I think if it was purely the pram/cot he is BU, but, in addition to them kicking off about the other issues they're coming on too strongly.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/02/2013 16:35

Um, it sounds like you both have issues with each other's family tbh.

My parents bought us our pram when we had DS1, but there was no question of them using it as any kind of leverage. Only you know whether your OH fears have any basis in reality.

BackforGood · 15/02/2013 16:37

To answer the straightforward question about your parents wanting to buy gifts to help you out with their first Grandchild, then I would accept them anyway, however, your OP goes on to talk about them "kicking off about other issues" and using words like "blackmail". This isn't my experience of most parents, so I'm presuming that your OH has some good reasoning to be hesitant, based on past experience of the relationship ???

SanityClause · 15/02/2013 16:39

Put yourself in DP's shoes.

It sounds like your parents are being quite domineering, and trying to influence your decisions as parents. I imagine he is quite concerned that your parents will use the fact that they paid for the larger items as leverage when trying to get their own way with your DC. Do you think they will?

Frankly, I'd rather have your IL than his!

nurseneedshelp · 15/02/2013 16:40

I thought it was quite normal for the grandparents to but something like a pram/cot?
My parents did it and everyone I know does it?!

Doha · 15/02/2013 16:41

I am buying DD's pram for her baby in May--her DP's parents are buying the cot. There are no strings attached to the gift. We are buying because we want to and are excited about our 1st GC.

Footface · 15/02/2013 16:43

To be fair, if dp parents kicked off over the baby's names that we had chosen I don't think I'd want any gifts of them either.

DuelingFanjo · 15/02/2013 16:44

Are they likely to use it as blackmail?

Bunbaker · 15/02/2013 16:46

It sounds to me that your partner has a bit of a chip on his shoulder because your parents can afford to buy some of the bigger items.

Tell him to smile and say thank you.

On the other hand you need to lay down the law about your decisions about names and visiting etc.

Before we had DD OH and I did most of the travelling when we wanted to see our families. After DD was born we just said "right it's your turn now, we've done our bit" and it was fine.

CloudsAndTrees · 15/02/2013 16:46

Do your parents have reasons to dislike your OH? Is there a reason why they don't want the baby to have his name?

It sounds like your OH isn't very fond of them.

Impossible to tell if YABU or not based on what you have said.

Original poster

BraveLilBear · 15/02/2013 16:49

Ha - I love my in-laws, I honestly do. They are accepting, non-judgemental and supportive in any way they can be. I think this may partly be the area we (and they) live in - in a northern city, whereas my folks are in a middle-class part of the country down south.

I absolutely see his point and do accept it to a degree - but they have calmed down in the past few weeks and seem to be coming round to the idea (of being genuinely supportive) a bit more. We even decided to tell them when we started TTC because we knew they'd need to get their head round it (depite my age and the fact I'm very settled albeit nonmarried).

Point is, I don't believe they'll be that manipulative after Baby is here. I've tried to reassure OH of this but he's of a 'leopards don't change spots' mindset.

Another issue is it's now becoming embarrassing - they keep asking about when we want to look at stuff and I have to keep fobbing them off. I can't exactly say 'OH thinks you'll be holding us to ransom if we let you buy stuff' can I?

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 15/02/2013 16:50

I don't understand your working class comment.

But apart from that, do you think there will be strings attached to the presents?

Bunbaker · 15/02/2013 16:54

From what you have written in your second post I think your husband is being silly. Being to proud to accept an expensive gift in this case is rather pointless.

DuelingFanjo · 15/02/2013 16:57

why does your OH think they will use it to manipulate you/him?
Do they have form?

This sounds like a reverse AIBU, sorry if it's not.

Original poster

BraveLilBear · 15/02/2013 17:01

Doha that's so lovely - congrats on your first GC!

All of our friends have had stuff bought for them by grandparents, too.

We had planned to buy things second hand where possible and spruce up with new soft furnishings etc, but both of (my) parents were horrified by this, which may be part-motivation on their part to contribute.

My OH has never liked my mum - she is a very strong character and often says judgemental things about other people, leading him to feel insecure. She has also made comments that he's 'quiet' and doesn't get involved much with my family. It's true, he holds back, because he feels like she judges him for being different. He's also not used to a close family environment - my family even extended family is very close - he is not close at all to his family barring one or two members he sees fairly regularly. Unlike my DSis's men, he refuses to suck up to anyone. He pulls his weight, but won't kowtow to make a good impression - his attitude is WYSIWYG.

He earns less than I do but works incredibly hard and is making significant headway in his career at the moment. He also has a pre-teen son from a previous relationship and has proven himself a good father despite difficult circumstances.

The name issue was bizarre - my parents 'assumed' that baby would have my last name due to massive inconvenience to me if baby had his name even though we plan to marry in the next couple of years. Apparently, they thought it was 'the norm' for baby to have mum's name. It never crossed my mind to give it my name!

OP posts:

Original poster

BraveLilBear · 15/02/2013 17:05

Working class comment purely to illustrate difference in incomes (and possibly attitudes) and therefore total lack of expectation from either set of grandparents on my behalf.

I suspect my parents are adopting something of a snobbish attitude in much of this.

DuellingFanjo forgive me I have no idea what a reverse AIBU is?

I am honestly trying to work out how to react to all this in a fair way - am very open to independent judgement, although I appreciate there are lots of variables at play.

OP posts:

noblegiraffe · 15/02/2013 17:07

I think I would be reluctant to give my baby a surname that was completely different to mine too, so I can see their hesitation there. What if the vague plans to get married were firmed up a bit?

LittleEdie · 15/02/2013 17:10

In my experience being working class does not preclude the buying of expensive gifts.

usualsuspect · 15/02/2013 17:14

Thats what confused me. LittleEdie

Being working class doesn't mean you don't buy gifts, nor does it mean you are skint.

StuntGirl · 15/02/2013 17:16

Do working class people not help out their families then?

DuelingFanjo · 15/02/2013 17:18

If you are such a close knit family why don't they make the effort to come and see you? Could it be that in your DP's eyes they are a family which has expectations of their offspring, one of those being that the offspring all gather around them rather than them making the effort to come to you? Perhaps your DP has seen something in their behaviour which makes him uncomfortable, perhaps he just wants to be able to start a family with you and not have the weight of their expectations on your unit.

Original poster

BraveLilBear · 15/02/2013 17:18

Totally not casting aspersions on working class gift-buying potential LittleEdie - OH's parents haven't offered to help in that way so it's not a factor in this situation (yet). It's also not their first grandchild - they already have one through OH so situation is a little different for them.

Also, they are most likely to be the ones helping us out practically as they live very nearby - something my parents are unable to do.

NobleGiraffe a ring on my finger may assist, but I have been engaged more than once before (ahem) and OH is against long engagements. We discussed children and marriage a very long time ago and initially said 'marriage first' but then we realised that at my age, we don't have time to save up for a wedding - we have huge families, who it would be impossible not to invite - and as we didn't know how long it would take to get pregnant at our age, we decided to have kids first.

OP posts:

FairyJen · 15/02/2013 17:20

My parents bought everything for our dc and I mean everything! It was gratefully received my mil tho crochet a beautiful blanket for ds as that's what he was able to contribute and that probably means more than the cot etc iyswim

Let your family help in whatever capacity they can. Also I'm not married to dp not that our families believe us and both dc have his surname. Causes no issues at all

Original poster

BraveLilBear · 15/02/2013 17:24

We get a lot of help from OH's family, just not in a financial way. Eg they helped with old furniture when we moved in together etc. They have had money issues in the recent past but they may well want to chip in and help - and to be honest it's still very early days - the issue right now is OH vs my parents.

Duelling they come up occasionally but both work full time and I have other sisters who live near them who they obviously see more of. Mum has to travel a lot for work and dad does a lot for his wider family including his mother and uncle. We also have DSS staying every other weekend which limits options on bedroom space at times.

OP posts:

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 15/02/2013 17:25

Do you parents want you to go on a pram-buying spree with them? Does your dp have to go? What will that be like, with regard to judgemental comments/criticism/manipulation?

Have you discussed with your dp, how you will deal with it if your parents do try blackmail you after the birth? I.e. what your joint response to "we bought you all that expensive stuff so you have to bring baby to us when we say"? Because, frankly, they can only blackmail you if you let them. You may be able to reassure your dp if you can convince him that you will not let your parents pressure you in that way, even if you accept the pram.

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