To be annoyed that OH won't accept new baby gifts from my parents?

[BraveLilBear]

I'm 33, and four and a half months pregnant with my first child and my parents' first grandchild. Not surprisingly, they have both expressed a desire to help out with buying some of the real estate inc pushchair and moses basket required for new baby.

They are divorced and both single, both take in very good salaries in professional jobs so they can afford to help.

My OH however is refusing to let them. He doesn't want them to be able to blackmail us in doing all of the visiting with the newborn (they live 2 and a half hours drive away and very rarely come up to us).

They have also kicked off about other issues, like me deciding to give baby OH's last name even though we're not yet married.

OH says he doesn't want them buying anything substantial so he doesn't feel in their debt. I say that we should let them contribute as long as we get a say in what they buy (ie they don't choose something hideously impractical etc). The other issue is we really don't have a lot of money flying around so all assistance would be gratefully received.

I'm not moneygrabbing and would never ask anyone to contribute anything - (OH's family are working class and therefore unlikely to offer financial help like this, but I know we'll be able to rely on them for emotional and moral support without judgement, which will be very much appreciated!) - but they have both offered, and I feel it would not be unreasonable to accept.

Many thanks for reading thus far... So AIBU to accept such help? AIBU unreasonable to be annoyed at OH for throwing his toys out of the proverbial at the prospect?

The gift isn't for DH or you though is it? The gift would be for your baby. It's quite normal for grandparents to buy a pram or cot. I can't see the problem.

If he is worried about traveling the distance to your parents with a new born, you could always invite them over to yours and jokingly say you don't fancy 5 hours in a car with a screaming new born. You could even meet half way at a push?

Honestly I think you're foolish to say no to anything anyone offers you when you have a new baby. Even if finances are good, having a baby is expensive. If people are offering to buy you things / asking if there is anything in particular you need as a gift, then you should jump on it. Gratefully, and graciously, but you should say yes.

I can't see his logical behind them using it as emotional blackmail, that makes no sense.

ExPs parents asked if there was anything we needed right at the end of my pregnancy, when the only thing we hadn't sorted was the cot. Was about the only brand new thing DS had for the first year!! I was really grateful for it, but exMIL (who I still get on wonderfully with) was more pleased to be able to contribute something towards what is likely to be her only GC.

Find a pram you like and email details. Accept it as a gift for you/baby? You/baby will probably be getting most use anyway and you are their daughter.

We have been given tons - new and second hand from relatives and friends and neighbors. Thats the way it often is with kids stuff. I never say no as having children is so very expensive. You will find that you will pass things on to others in turn. It feels quite nice to give too.

Thanks everyone - Bertha I'm sure it would be easier if OH and parents and me all went shopping together, might even be a rare bonding opportunity.

They are trying to come up more often (or say they are) but at the moment, they expect me to do the legwork. I feel this will change when baby comes - if it doesn't they simply won't be able to see their grandchild as much as we will not be physically capable of driving all that way on little sleep.

I am prepared to lay the law down with them. As a sleep-deprived new-mum I would not struggle to do this at all.

I would like to say something beforehand but feel that any looking the gift horse in the mouth questioning will be received in very bad taste and they would be very upset that we thought they might manipulate us...

Yfronts friends are already offering us a variety of baby clothes/mat clothes - it's really lovely tbh. I would really like to do that for others in the future, too.

Out of interest Op why the need to mention that your in laws are 'working class' middle class and upper class also have money troubles.

I think he is being ridiculous and if it was my DH I would tell him so.

I would ask him if he really felt I was that weak and feeble I couldn't even tell my own parents whether or not I could come down and see them if I wasn't feeling up to it? (Or whatever he is imagining)

How would parents and OH react if you asked for say, Mothercare vouchers so you can choose one and buy it yourselves but your parents get to do the buying?

FWIW, my mum bought us our pram, it was never anything other than a present. She lives down south we live up north, same sort of situation to you I imagine.

Except my DH sounds more laid back!

Considering your DP feelings about your parents I wouldn't take them all shopping together for a pram.
Me and my own DH almost kill each other shopping,and what are the chances you will all like the same thing.If your DM personality is a strong as you say it sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Pick your pram with your DP and let parents know would be the way I would do it.

treas as a way of illustrating difference between my parents and his without detailing too much - my parents are (unfortunately) snobbish and I think this is part of the problem.

I see myself as working class even though I work in a professional job and come from a middle-ish class background. I also see it as an attitudinal thing - in my experience, working class people are much less judgemental and live-and-let-live - middle and upper classes I've found to be more judgemental about choices they disapprove of.

I thought this was fairly widespread but may of course only be my perception. I love my parents but hate their at-times very judgemental attitudes.

The in-laws also have a lot less money coming in than my parents do and work in traditionally blue-collar jobs. I was not trying to cast my own judgements, just trying to sum up the facts in as much shorthand as possible so people had as much detail as possible to let me know whether or not I'm being harsh on OH for being annoyed and frustrated by this!

For god's sake, of course you're not working class!

You contradict yourself, too. You say your family is very close and your partner's not used to that, but that his family will all rally round and be a tremendous help.

I don't blame your parents for wanting your child to have your name if they think your husband is reluctant to marry you. I still don't see why you didn't marry before you had a child if that was important to you; surely you didn't think you'd have enough money for a wedding after the birth if you didn't before?

Does it matter what bloody class anyone is, in all this.

Jeez.

You are confusing middle class with snobby!

I agree with your DP, if gifts are likely to come with strings attached they are not worth having. The hassle and aggrivation just are not worth it.

YABU

So have they tried to blackmail you before? Why the 'leopards don't change their spots' comment?

As others have said, its normal for GP to buy gifts for their GC. Unless they are trying to tell you which pram you must have, for example.

Is this a Catherine Cookson novel?!

Let your parents buy stuff for their 1st gc.
Give pfb your DP's surname.
Stay put at home and let others visit you. Meet halfway when you feel up to it.

Enjoy your pregnancy OP

I don't see any problem regarding the pushchair and bassinet. Those are the type of things grandparents/family members buy for their grandchildren. I think your dp is being weird thinking that would give them any say in who visits who. It sounds like he has a chip on his shoulder.

As far as the name, I would want the baby to have your name or both names. It is coming out of your body, why would it have his name? I really don't agree with a child having the fathers name only if the parents are not married. I'd advice using both names.
Your dh sounds like he has an inferiority complex regarding your family, maybe he feels embarrassed that they may think he can't provide for the baby? I am pretty sure you could be billionaires and your parents would still want to buy those things...it is what grandparents do.

Thank you all, you have raised a smile in a crazy sea of chaos/Catherine Cookson novel.

Agree class has nowt to do with it, my mistake for getting befuddled. Think I will try and get parents and OH to talk to each other which may allay fears on both sides, at the moment it would probably be unreasonable to expect him to make a leap of faith!

There is a lot of history at play here, which does make it complicated. His family aren't emotionally close and don't express emotions, but will and do help each other when times are tough.

My family are closer emotionally, but can be over dramatic. The last thing I want is to set them all off over an issue like this... Will try and be more understanding!

OH sounds a bit controlling tbh. He doesn't agree with long engagements? Why does he even have a view on that? He doesn't want your parents buying stuff because leopards don't change their spots. I don't really know what he's getting at but perhaps you do.

Without fully understanding the situation, it seems a shame for him to be dicatating the terms of their engagement with their first grandchild when it's not something that you have agreed together as a couple. You seem to be being accepting and happy about the ways his family will be involved and unless they are very odd, he should do the same for your family.